For lo these many centuries, snowflakes have swirled like magic, lightly a-drifting atop the pines as children’s carols echo throughest the air. ’Tis the holidays, my friends, and, by law, only one drink can be drunk: EGGNOG. A beloved wint’ry concoction of milk, eggs, sugar, and saturated fat, eggnog is kind of like mayonnaise, in that it will make you sick to your stomach if you think about it for more than two seconds, but you’re still probably going to have some anyways? So, because I love you, I went and tried a bunch of them to see which one is the best. This was followed by me throwing up in my bathtub.
New Seasons Eggnog ($3.29, New Seasons)
Locally made by Portland’s Alpenrose Dairy, New Seasons promises their eggnog’s “proprietary blend of spices” and “rich, creamy goodness” make it “the quintessential Pacific Northwest holiday drink” and “a perfect toast to our misty skies, Douglas Firs, and tasty local fare.” Okay, New Seasons. Settle down. It’s milk with eggs and sugar in it. But of all the eggnogs I tried, this was the one that tasted closest to my fond childhood memories of the stuff—sweet but not cloying, rich but not oozy, and balanced with just the right touch of nutmeg. Look, after writing this piece, I would rather kill myself than drink eggnog ever again, but if, for some horrific reason, I had to? This is the kind I would drink! Maybe they’re right to be all proprietary about their spices.
Silk Nog ($3.29, New Seasons)
We can all agree that eating foods that aren’t the rotting, disease-filled byproducts of exploited animals is a healthier, more ethical, and more sustainable way to live. We can also all agree that whenever a vegan tries to replicate a traditionally non-vegan dish using only plant-based ingredients, the results are almost always fucking disgusting. So hey, good news: Not only does Silk’s soy-based nog contain no dairy, no eggs, and no artificial colors or flavors, but it isn’t disgusting! There is also some bad news, which is that Silk Nog is basically just thick water.
Lactaid Lactose-Free Eggnog ($4.49, New Seasons)
For some, enjoying a Christmas Day cup of eggnog with friends is the prelude to enjoying a Boxing Day with projectile diarrhea. Lactaid’s here to save the season with a lactose-free eggnog that offers “all the holiday cheer and none of the discomfort.” The result is weirdly... tangy? Is... is eggnog supposed to be... tangy?
Southern Comfort Traditional Eggnog ($4.99, New Seasons)
Despite the “Southern Comfort” branding, this eggnog makes it clear on its carton that it’s non-alcoholic—though it also includes a helpful recipe on the side: “Mix 1 quart egg nog with 1 cup Southern Comfort. Pour in glass and garnish with a cinnamon stick.” It doesn’t say how many guests you can serve with this recipe, probably because the good folks at Southern Comfort know that if you’re drinking Southern Comfort, you’re drinking alone. With a disconcerting orangish hue and the turgid viscosity of motor oil, this eggnog was not good at all and you should not drink it under any circumstances. Also, it coats the inside of your throat for what feels like days. Just like when you drink motor oil!
Nog from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (24th century, the Denorios belt of the Bajoran system)
Haha, gotcha! This isn’t an “eggnog” at all—it’s Nog, Deep Space 9’s loveable Ferengi! Hey, remember that time Nog tried to arrest General Martok when those Klingons were loitering on the Promenade? It was funny because Klingons are big and Ferengi are small—especially Nog! Good ol’ Nog. Ha! I really got you good!
Evan Williams Original Southern Egg Nog ($9.95, 11th Avenue Liquor)
Unlike those namby-pamby wuss-babies at Southern Comfort, Evan Williams doesn’t give a fuuuuuuuuck when it comes to combining booze and eggnog—IN THE BOTTLE, for YOUR CONVENIENCE! Thanks, Evan! This 30-proof bad boy only partially contains eggnog; the rest is a haphazard clusterfuck of Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey, blended whiskey, rum, and brandy. Merry fucking Christmas! Evan’s getting you waaaaaasted! And maybe giving you alcohol poisoniiiiiiinnnng! At only $10 a bottle, $120 lets you nog-chug a bottle on each of the 12 Days of Christmas.
The Eggnog Milkshake at Mike’s Drive-In (Mike’s Drive-In, Milwaukie)
Mike’s is a charming old-school drive-in in Milwaukie, and every fall and winter, they offer eggnog milkshakes... OR SO THEY CLAIM. After I braved the perilous journey to Milwaukie, the lady at Mike’s told me their egg nog milkshake machine was “broken” and instead offered me a pumpkin one—as if that would help me at all with this very stupid piece that I deeply regret agreeing to write. “THANKS FOR NOTHING, MIKE!” I shouted as I stumbled away into the mysterious Milwaukie night, swigging from my bottle of Evan Williams.