NOTHING TO SEE HERE! Dimitrios Kambouris and Emma McIntyre / getty images

Happy Holidays to everyone, especially to those who get mad when people say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas!” Your gift from me is this column, which will now include this fun fact: Historically, Christmas has mostly been a time for getting drunk and rowdy. The evolution of Christmas being a wholesome day geared toward children is more of a modern twist. (Thanks for nothing, Dickens!) So if a family member tries to insist on having a very “traditional” Christmas, then that is, historically speaking, an invitation to crush a beer can on their forehead. And if they get mad, tell ’em it’s in the Bible. Now let’s do like our Christmas ancestors, and get down and dirty—with gossip!

The Oscars are Dead? Long Live the Oscars?

Eric Ray Davidson / Trunk Archive, robyn van swank

Sadly, no, the annual Hollywood funhouse of self-congratulation will go on, even though comedian Kevin Hart won’t be hosting, as was the plan for approximately 20 seconds before Hart refused to apologize for homophobic “jokes” from his past. Oh no. Stop. Come back. (Sarcasm!) Even though there are plenty of comedians who have not threatened violence against homosexuals, the Academy’s solution to this kerfuffle is: no host! They are pulling this car right over. If we can’t be nice to Kevin, we don’t get anyone. Oh no. Stop. Come back. And the award for excellence in popular film awards ceremonies goes to... NOT the Academy.

Random famous guy Nick Cannon doesn’t have a lot going on right now, so he folded himself into this drama by sharing old tweets where heterosexual comics like Sarah Silverman and Amy Schumer used the word “fag.” THEN, homosexual comic Billy Eichner got involved too, and pointed out the obvious, which is “let’s not use that word,” but also, a celebrated ally like Silverman saying “fag” is much different than Hart threatening to beat his child for being gay. Then Nick Cannon didn’t say anything else. Most people could learn something from what Nick Cannon is doing now, which is being quiet.

Portman/Simpson CATFIGHT!

Not really, but that’s what the gossip world was screaming for a breathless 14 hours, when Natalie Portman and Jessica Simpson were allegedly feuding. But they weren’t. It was a misunderstanding. And because the pair are rational beings and because, whether you want to believe it or not, women are not biologically structured to want to fight each other, the two quickly clarified their remarks and moved on. The whole thing started when a Portman quote about a younger Jessica Simpson being both a virgin and a woman who wore a bikini was confusing, and then Jessica was like, “Girl, plenty of virgins wear bikinis, it’s society that’s fucked,” and Natalie was like, “Girl, I feel this, that quote was taken out of context to create a feud I don’t feel,” and Jessica was like, “We’re cool.” (Did I mention I was paraphrasing?) I love that these two women were quick to call out gossip blogs for being sensationalist shit-stirrers only slightly more than I love actually being a sensationalist shit-stirrer.

This Week In “Same, Dude!”

People Magazine reported that Chrissy Teigen’s father, a white man named Ron, got a tattoo of Chrissy’s face on his bicep to honor the starlet on her 33rd birthday. I also love Chrissy Teigen and now I want a tattoo of her face, too. So: SAME, DUDE! And then, according to ET Online, The Office alum and Mr. Emily Blunt, John Krasinski, sobbed so hard with joy during a screening of his wife’s new film Mary Poppins Returns that he had to stand in the back of the room. I haven’t seen it yet, but presumably: SAME, DUDE!

Old Guy Dead

The federal government shut down for a day because single-term president George H.W. Bush shocked nobody by dying at the age of 94. Election Day is not a federal holiday, but some old guy dies and suddenly we have no postal system and I have to wait an extra day to get my Crate and Barrel catalogs?! I am faking outrage; none of this was a big deal to me in any way. My life was minimally impacted by George H.W. Bush or by his funeral. But I’m lucky in that way—I’m not one of the thousands of gay men who died when Bush refused to pay attention to the AIDS crisis.

I’m Not Dead, No Thanks to the Tram

I’ve never ridden the OHSU tram due to some poor life choices on my part which now seem like very excellent life choices: KATU reported that a big hunk of the tram fell off, and bonked a woman on the noggin—but thankfully she was not seriously injured. The piece fell because a carabiner failed, and since the whole aerial tram pulley system is very carabiner-dependent, I’ll smugly continue to not ride the tram. And I’ll go ahead and pat myself on the back for not trying to become a doctor or a scientist, too!

A Very Stable GENIUS

Donald Trump attempted to pwn Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer with the surprising presence of cameras at a recent White House meeting, but instead of handing them their asses, he instead received the asses that Chuck and Nancy gave to him. Mike Pence handled the meeting by sitting with his eyes closed, the way my child does when she sees something scary. As writer Max Weiss (@maxthegirl) said on Twitter: “Don’t bring a Pence to a Pelosi fight.” The icing on the covfefe cake was when Trump followed up this embarrassing display by misspelling “smoking” as “smocking” on Twitter not once, which could have been a typo, but TWICE, because he’s stupid. How dumb is he? He is SO DUMB that, according to Variety, Christian Bale met Trump while filming the Batman movie The Dark Knight Rises several years ago, and Trump talked to Bale as if he truly was a billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. Bale went along with it because it was funny, but acknowledges it’s less funny in hindsight because that moron is our president (despite losing the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes). LOL.

The Last Word

We’re at the end of this column, and the end of the year! It was... certainly a passage of time, that’s for sure. But we did it together. Maybe 2019 will be better. Maybe it won’t. I can’t predict the future (except with trams). But it’s happening, so gear up. I hope that this holiday season, the “Merry Christmas” crowd will exhaust themselves by boycotting some fast food franchise’s disposable cups, and that in their distraction, we can peacefully crush beer cans on our heads, just as our ancestors—and Jesus—intended. Happy holidays!