[What follows is one of the many articles in the Mercury‘s 2026 Transportation issue. Find a print copy here, subscribe to get a copy mailed to you here, and if you’re feeling generous and want to keep these types of articles coming, support us here.—eds.]
Great news, everyone! The breakout success of my humble astrology column has inspired a film adaptation starring Justin Baldoni and AI actress Tilly Norwood—because she’s a computer, they don’t anticipate any HR issues. A fiery New Moon in Aries on April 17 means mega-monopoly Paramount will oversee the production, to be helmed by one-time-pariah and up-and-coming-again filmmaker Brett Ratner—director of X-Men: The Last Stand (“I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!”) and Melania (“I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!”)—the Trump administration’s very own Leni Riefenstahl. Bari Weiss, chief propagandist at CBS News, is personally programming the publicity campaign into the Pentagon’s AI servers, to be launched in tandem with the next missile strike. Clearly, this is a momentous occasion.
I’m especially ecstatic to announce—in anticipation of the Sun entering bull-headed, horny Taurus on April 19—that I’m harnessing this time of personal career growth to debut an astrology-themed wellness brand-slash-movement built around a gay men’s fiber gummy supplement, Asstro-Cleanse™. And for discerning subscribers over 18, I’m launching my premium content fan site, The Faults in Uranus (save your DMs—it’s tilted on its axis and supposed to look like that), along with a line of star sign companion cock rings exclusive to Temu. It is my mission as a healer-slash-content ambassador to bring both astrological forecasting and Fat Cock Friday (#fcf) posts to your feed weekly. I have dreamt of this moment ever since my own mentor, Ascended Master Shasta Saint Germain, channeling a prehistoric entity named Brandon, divined that I was destined for greatness and could I fork over another $20 grand? But almost as important as that—let’s gaze at what the skies have in store for you, personally.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Happy New Year, Aries—the astrological calendar reset leaves you invigorated, motivated, and lights a fire under your hooves. But sticking the landing after springing into action isn’t your strong suit—so why not try my new 12-month forecasting course? It’s all on Zoom, so when you forget or don’t feel like it, you can just blame the computer. Justin Baldoni is about to do the same thing at Paramount HR, and, best of all, I only accept payment directly from your bank account, so I’ll still get your money’s worth.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
You’ve had a rough time, dear Bull, but as the Sun enters your natal sign, you’ll quickly grab life back by the horns. Let loose! Dream big. Seek community. Change the world. Invest in something bigger than yourself, like my Asstro-Cleanse™ Hole Soul Retreat. And if Ascended Master Shasta Saint Germain asks you to open up during Hole Truth Talk Therapy and you won’t because you’re too stubborn, try our newest proprietary herbal remedy, Inhibit-Ease®. It’s designed to counter even the most difficult behavioral blockages.
STUPID EX LARRY GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Some thought Larry Twotime was a lost cause. That he was duplicitous, conniving, fickle, and farted too soon in the relationship. But thanks to Inhibit-Ease®, the reformed Mr. Twotime is better than ever, proving that even a Gemini can be a hard-working drone contributor to any Hole Soul Retreat. Note: Inhibit-Ease® may cause side effects of varying severity including headache, irritability, low blood sugar, loss of smell, loss of self, and loss of proprioception. Tell your health care provider if you feel you no longer have control over your words and actions.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Oh, sweet little soft-shelled crab: you need to protect yourself. Your shell is the only home you’ve known, but it’s edible with delicious umami flavor, and no one likes you. That’s why Ascended Master Shasta Saint Germain locked you in our Ashland compound’s coat closet for two years. To keep you safe. Not because you tried to contact your family and Dr. Phil from the compound’s 5G-resistant Windows 98 PC—but because no one likes you. Not like we do. Mmmmm, umami.
LEO (July 23-August 22)
Leo, you’re the mane attraction! Your locks are lush with charisma, talent, and “It Factor.” And you did so well leading our Asstro-Cleanse™ All-In Auction Livestream (the amount of colloidal silver you sold in two hours made me far from blue!) that I’m hereby promoting you to Bishop of [REDACTED], our secret brotherhood operating within Asstro-Cleanse™. In your case, it’s a good thing to be vain: something tells me you know your way around a branding iron, don’t you?
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
You’re a nervous little muffin, Virgo, and it’s unsettling our other Hole Soul Seekers. I’m sure your constant stomachaches aren’t helping. What’s got your insides so anxious? You didn’t take Inhibit-Ease® on an empty stomach, did you? Note: When administering any dose of Inhibit-Ease®, drink clear or ice cold liquids. Avoid lying down after eating. Avoid taking Inhibit-Ease® with any fried, greasy, or sweet foods, or with any foods or liquids containing water.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
The Scales are the embodiment of balance and justice—but justice is blind, just like the pepper-sprayed informant who tried infiltrating our Ashland compound under the pretense of pizza delivery. The joke’s on you, Mr. “Delivery Boy,” and on you too, Ms. “District Attorney,” who couldn’t be a more stereotypical do-gooder Libra. You thought you could take down Asstro-Cleanse™ with a Meat Lovers Trojan Horse, but not one of us bears the digestive agency (or access to a telephone line) to eat—let alone order—greasy foods!
SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
As the Megan Fox of the Zodiac (pay no mind to the fact that Megan Fox is a Taurus), everyone wants what you’re selling. And that just happens to be Inhibit-Ease®, lobbying it through Capitol Hill and finally winning us sweet, legitimizing FDA approval. Your ambition left its mark—I’m sure RFK’s brain worms will recruit you to the Department of Health in no time, especially if you employ those signature sultry charms (and remain unvaccinated).
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
Ever the skilled archer, you mark and hit your targets with aplomb and aplenty. And you’re so infectious at what you do that no one will ever suspect you of poisoning that salad bar. What’re a few newfound pathogens (thanks, Virgo, for your sacrifices to rigorous quality testing) compared to changing the world forever? If we can get one or two Asstro-Cleanse™ Assbassadors on City Council, we’ll be unstoppable, just like the Sagittarius spirit.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
You can be a bit of a perfectionist, and a workaholic to boot, but that’s exactly what I’m looking for in a defense attorney. Ever since Ascended Master Manipulator Shasta Saint Germain skipped town to Svalbard with all my money, I’ve been looking for a responsible, goat-eyed, and patient party to help me parse through the Inhibit-Ease® fog as well as the facts: the good ones, the bad ones, and the ones that might get me off with a technicality.
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
You never followed the crowd, so why go along with a “jury” of so-called “peers?” Those aren’t your peers! They went to public school. Some of them are—shiver—water signs. And I’m pretty sure the one with the bag of props is Carrot Top. But if everyone wanted to go and jump off a bridge while convicting an innocent columnist-turned-influencer on multiple counts of fraud, embezzlement, racketeering, forced labor, mind control, biological warfare, and multi-level marketing, would you too? No! Because you’re a free thinker, Juror #3. Have you ever tried herbal supplements?
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
I always thought you were a little weird, Pisces, but you know what? I have to admit it: you’re a good listener, empathic, and I was wrong and need to apologize—this toilet moonshine is delicious. Did you see Justin Baldoni in the next cell?
Anthony Hudson is a Grand Ronde and Siletz artist, writer, and former clown. His first book, Lamp Back: Plays and Other Grievances—collecting nearly a decade of Carla Rossi performances and more—is being published this fall by Northwestern University Press.