Scott Hoy is a personal injury lawyer with a personal message for all you auto drivers out there: Stop having auto accidents. JUST STOP IT. He doesn’t know if it’s because of video games or what—but for the love of god, stop blaming people in the back seat! (Confused? I’m pretty sure personal injury lawyer Scott Hoy is confused, too. But the point is, STOP WRECKING CARS, K?)

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)