Most of these dudes will be dead before the year is out.
Most of these dudes will be dead before the year is out. Courtesy of ABC

Hello Bach-fam! Can I call you that? No? Well after watching The Bachelor with me last season my wife has decided to go hang at her friend’s house to watch The Bachelorette with her instead, so you’re all I have and I’m gonna call you that. Bach-fam. Anyway, here we go:

The Bachelorette is here. JoJo, son of Ben is now on her own quest for love, and Lo! We shall gather ev’ry week to bear witness to her trials. If you don’t remember, JoJo is a 25-year-old real estate developer from Texas. She was one of the final two contestants from the last season of The Bachelor but left with her heart completely crushed. Crushed like it was a bag of beef jerky on the drive home from the grocery store.

This time, it’s her turn to do the crushing, and she will be crushing 25 out of 26 men before finding the man of her dreams, presumably. But before we meet them all, we have to learn more about JoJo. Hit the jump if that doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world, or even if it does.

They start off with a reminder that JoJo came out of the limo to meet Ben in a unicorn mask last season. Then proceed to recap her whirlwind romance with Ben before showing the aforementioned heartbreak. Seriously. Whirlwind:

Since then JoJo has been doing some soul searching, which apparently involves walking alone on the beach in a bikini. She looks good. If I’d experienced those depths of sadness I’d take solace in many many foods. But many foods is also how I respond to happy times.

We move on as Jojo pulls up to the Bachelor Mansion for the first time since she was on The Bachelor. She’s there to hang with some of the Bene Gesserits (Bachelorettes) of seasons past. They talk about kissing on the first night, and how to let the guys down easy and other advice. None of it is how to do a fishtail braid, so this segment basically worthless to me. I just want to learn!

After that it’s time to meet the cavalcade of men who are pining for JoJo’s attentions. Here are some of the more interesting guys:

Grant, 28, firefighter from SF. He’s got a chin that could knock the moon out of orbit if he tried to look up at it too quickly.

Jordan, former pro quarterback, little brother of Aaron Rodgers. His semi successful career cost him a relationship once, so now he knows where his priorities should be.

Alex, 25, marine. Has a twin brother who thankfully won’t be on the show at the same time. It’s like two Captain America’s. Two very short Captain Americas.

Evan, a Erectile Dysfunction specialist. Says his job is a “hard” and “draining” business. Get it? Like dicks.

Ali, 27, Bartender. Parents moved to the US after the Iranian Revolution. Siblings are doctors, Ali is a bartender. Now he’s on The Bachelorette. Ali is a disappointment to his family.

Luke, cattle farmer from Texas, and a war veteran. A platoon leader in Afghanistan. I feel like he would have been a stuntman in the golden age of old Hollywood.

Limousine Time:
JoJo is STUNNING in a low-cut sparkling gold dress. She looks like one of the ladies who bring the Oscar to the famous people who win Oscars. Now we have some guys meeting JoJo one-by-one as they exit the ceremonial limousine:

Jordan Rodgers is first up. Some guy named Garret is next. Both of them are stupid hunks. James, a boxing club owner, tells JoJo that he didn’t come for a rose, he came for a relationship. Fuck you James. Robbie, a former swimmer brings JoJo a bottle of wine and they open it and bum-jug it. Red flag, Robbie is an alcoholic. Will comes out and immediately drops his cue cards, but it’s all an act to do a poorly delivered reading the cards out of order joke. Pass. Chad is a hunk who does an aggressive hug into a double hand-hold move, quickly establishing some physical intimacy and domestic abuse vibes.

Daniel is up next, he’s a Canadian, and does a “Damn Daniel” joke. Referencing this age old (by internet standards) meme:

James T, singer songwriter from TX, comes out with his guitar and sings her a song. Pretty sweet actually. Jonathan, comes out in a kilt and explains that he’s half Chinese, half Scottish and says “Lucky for me I’m Scottish below the waist.” Does that mean his dick is oppressed by the English?

Now we go inside to see the men interact. Daniel (Damn, Canada) is put off by Jonathan’s kilt gimmick. Claims that you should keep it cool and not do anything like take your shirt off on the first night. Seems like he’s drunk already. (Plus he totally strips down to his underwear later in the episode.)

Back at the Limo: “Saint Nick”, a guy in a Santa costume climbs out. He goes inside and hands out gifts from his sack. Some guys see the humor, others think it obnoxious. I guess he’s an actual contestant? He doesn’t remove the fake beard. Bold move.

All I want for Christmas is 15 minutes of fame.
All I want for Christmas is 15 minutes of fame. Courtesy of ABC

Things start to speed along and we start getting guys thrown at us faster than I can type: A guy named Sal gifts JoJo some blue stress balls for her to squeeze. It’s a metaphor, you wouldn’t get it. Coley, a real estate broker, wants to take JoJo “off the market.” Women aren’t property. Brandon is a poor son of a bitch who has the given occupation of “hipster.” One guy, Wells, comes out with vocal harmony group All-4-One, remember the song “I Swear”? Well you do now. Dude named Christian rolls up on a motorcycle. Typical hunk.

Just when it seems like too much, a final prince comes riding up on a unicorn! Look, I know unicorns aren’t real, but this box wine I’m drinking is making a believer out of me. Let me and Luke have this.

Finally JoJo goes inside to address the fellas. Alex, the twin Marine, is the first guy to pull her aside. The other guys make fun of how short he is because genetics determine the worth of a person. Alex goes right into doing pushups while JoJo sits on his back. Feats of strength always win hearts. Why we stopped jousting I’ll never know, seems like a better alternative to Tinder.

Do you think youll want kids someday?
"Do you think you'll want kids someday?"

All the guys are super nervous, which is obviously a turnoff for JoJo. She’s looking for an instant connection. Luckily Jordan Rodgers (the footballman) is here to deliver. She asks him about himself. He does a great job of telling her all about who he is without name dropping that his brother is one of the best quarterbacks playing the game right now (so Google tells me). They eventually end up kissing. JoJo didn’t think she’d do that on the first night.

Chris Harrison comes in with the first impression rose. Some of the dudes start to vocalize their worry over getting enough time with JoJo—except of course CHAD, who is named CHAD. You guys know how I feel about Chads. And this Chad is living up to the shittiness of his name by mocking the other guys for “playing the sensitive card.” Like having emotions is a bad thing. OH SHIT, TIME FOR A MICRO-RANT:

Look, dudes. It’s okay to have feelings. Our gender is basically an illusion that started with killing animals and has barely progressed since then. We can do better. Things scare you sometimes, and sitting to pee is comfortable—get over it.

Anyway, Chad sits down with JoJo and comes across to her as vulnerable. But we know that’s a fucking act. He’s a salesman. Everything about him is a facade. He sees JoJo as nothing but prey. Look at Chad's fucking face:

This is the definition of a fuckface.
This is the definition of a fuckface.

Daniel spends his time awkwardly explaining his outdated “Damn Daniel” joke. Slowly it becomes obvious that Daniel is drunk and weird. He quickly decides it’s time to start stripping, and inevitably decides to jump into the pool. Another guy says “Damn Daniel.” That meme is super dead now.

Aaaand that’s the turning point. Some of the guys are wasted and are making things weird. Others are keeping their cool though. Ali plays the piano beautifully for instance. James, the guitarist, seems like a real sweetheart and JoJo seems to dig him. Luke, the farmer/veteran, seems nice too, gifting JoJo some cowboy boots.

JoJo picks up the first impression rose and gives it to Jordan (footballman). A lesser man would make a touchdown joke. I am a lesser man. Touchdown! Chad is, of course, threatened by Jordan winning the rose.

Finally the ROSE CEREMONY: My first thought is that the roses seem really small, but then I realize they’re boutonnieres. The guys are all really nervous going into the ceremony… but before the culling gets started... A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS!

A guy shows up in the limo… and it’s a guy. A former Bachelor! I don’t recognize him, and I refuse recognize him. His name is Jake and I guess he’s a close family friend of JoJo’s…

Basically this whole thing is a smokescreen to trick us into thinking that he showed up to be a contestant and make the guys sweat. But I guess he’s just here to give advice (even though he’s never had success being on this show so what the fuck does he know?) The guys sigh in relief after they find out that he’s not a threat to them.

Anyway! Back to the rose ceremony, here’s who JoJo keeps:
Luke, Wells, James T, Grant, Derrick, Christian, Chad (ugh), Chase, Alex, Robbie, Brandon, James F, Ali, Saint Nick, WIll, James S, Vinny, Evan, FINAL ROSE: goes to...

Daniel? Wait. For real? I guess you need a wild card in the mix. Producer pick y’all. The most recognizable guy to not get a rose is Jonathan, the kilt wearing Chinese-Scot.

So there you have it. This premiere is over, and little to no drama happened. I think we can tell that Chad is going to be trouble, and Daniel is going to be a mess. Holy shit. I can't believe I'm doing this all again. Join me in suffering next week? Can't wait to see you there.

Preview of the season: Kissing, cliff jumping, outdoor showering, dancing, bad-boy attraction. Jordan is an off-brand prom king, Robbie is a liar, Chad is a violent monster. Tears, travel, heartbreak, and the greatest of all life’s treasures: Love.