Only nice people give advice.
Only nice people give advice. courtesy of @BacheloretteABC

Rose! Not the flower. The beverage. Oh, reading the bottle I guess that should be “Rosé.” Have you had it? Probably not. I’m just more well traveled than you I guess. I bought a bottle of it on sale for $6.99 to drink while I watched The Bachelorette last night. Let me just say, it’s delightful. It’s all the best parts of champagne, red wine, and the color pink in one bottle. When I drink it I feel like the most powerful version of myself. Let’s do this.

Catch up on last week's recap: Click to pop the cork on this MF'er.

Episode Preview: Connections. Propeller planes. San Francisco. Chad is a “super douche”. Chad and Alex get into it!

Hit the jump to join the Rosé Ceremony>>>>

JoJo wakes up on the first day hopeful for the future. She shows it by putting on the pinkest shirt in the world. Pinker than my rosé. Pinker than the sun.

Chad doesn’t think any of the guys have dated a woman of JoJo’s caliber before, they’ve never gotten used to being around beautiful women. Even the ugliest guy on here is pretty much a hunk– except for Evan. So I doubt that theory. By the way, women aren't ammunition. They don't have a "caliber."

First date card: Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinnie, Ali, James F, Wells Robby, and maybe one more guy is picked.

After the names are read a huge CRASH is heard from out front. The guys assemble like the Avengers and rush outside. They find a limo on fire. A fire truck pulls up and JoJo hops out in a sexy fireman’s outfit (think one step up from a Halloween costume) and hoses it off. It’s equal parts awkward and awkward, but they have fun with it. JoJo and the group date dudes jump on the fire truck and take off.

Back at the Mansion: Chad packs his suitcase with heavy things, straps it to a weight belt and does pull ups. All the other dudes mock him mercilessly. Wouldn't you?

Group Date: JoJo and the guys show up to a Firefighter challenge—so JoJo can “find out who will take care of her in an emergency situation.” Damn girl, none of these guys can save you from climate change!

The challenges are physical and punishing. The best part is that Grant is a real firefighter, which is crazy unfair. I wish one of these guys was a CPA and another challenge was to see who could get JoJo the most back on her tax return. Anyway, Wells sticks out because he’s kind of a shrimp, he looks like he’s going to pass out so they tell him lie down. JoJo sits with him, which turns out to be an unintentionally brilliant plan on Wells' part. Weakness is strength.

Back at the mansion: James T. is leading the dudes in a song he made up about JoJo. It’s hella corny. Chad points out that they’re obsessed with her, and in reality they don’t know anything about her. Which is insightful considering he’s SUCH a fuck.

Back on the date, Luke, Grant, and… Wells (because he has heart) are picked for the final firefight challenge. They have to run a fireman’s gauntlet to find JoJo at the end. Grant OF COURSE wins. Luke walks away in sadness/frustration. All the dudes sit around in their fireman outfits moping. Wells is just happy to be alive.

That evening the group date gathers around a pool on a hotel roof to have drinks and spend time connecting. Grant is the first up because he won. They talk about his job and how incredibly brave he is. And it’s true. The only way I’d run into a burning building is if I had training, protective equipment, and you paid me to do it. They kiss.

Back at the Mansion, date card two arrives: Derek gets the one-on-one! “Love is full of choices” the card reads.

Group date: JoJo pulls Wells aside next. He’s a good sport about his inability to fight fires. He’s actually a pretty funny guy, a radio DJ in Nashville! I want Wells to win until he invariably turns into a psycho.

Meanwhile, Luke is worried about spending time with JoJo, but for no reason. They go out on a balcony and kiss. His leather jacket reminds me that most leather jackets don’t look cool, they look purchased.

Group Date End: JoJo gives the date rose to Wells! The meek shall inherit the earth!

Next is the One-on-One: JoJo takes Derek on a drive. The date is like a choose your own adventure novel but with no wizards, and you can’t hold your place in the book in case you die. Choice 1: Sea or Sky. They choose sky. It leads them to two airplanes. Choice 2: North or South. They pick North. The plane takes them to San Francisco, not The Wall to join the Night’s Watch. Choice 3: Golden Gate or Lombard St. They sit on a crappy beach that looks out on the bridge that always gets destroyed in movies. And they KISS!

Back at the mansion: James is ONCE AGAIN leading all the dudes in a rousing song about JoJo. Chad and Daniel sit there talking shit about them. And this is a thing Chad actually said:

WHAT. I mean, I get that people can only relate to the world through the lens of their personal experiences, but protein powder doesn’t really have legs as far as metaphors go. And Daniel is turning into a hilarious sidekick to Chad, trying to seem cool by association.

Back at the Mansion date card three arrives: Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T, Alex, Chad, are chosen. “Prove your love to me and the nation.”

One-on-one Dinner: Derek and sit together and talk. Derek has NOTICEABLE teeth. They talk about how guarded they both are. JoJo brings up her experience with Ben last season how he said he loved her but didn’t choose her in the end. Derek talks about how he was ready to marry his ex, but she had another guy in her life. Parallels. Teeth. JoJo offers him the date rose. They kiss in front of a fountain. I am out of Rosé and I can feel my powers waning.

Group Date 2: The guys walk up to the ESPN studios. They walk into see JoJo as a guest on SportsNation. Max and Marcellus make a joke about her not winning a ring last season. HAHA LOVE IS A SPORT. Max and Marcellus are the hosts of SportsNation, and this challenge. First the guys have to take a giant rose and do a touchdown dance with it. Then they have to do a baseball bat spin then walk to JoJo and “propose” to her. It’s appropriately light hearted and fun but Chad is obviously insecure. So he mails it in. JoJo calls him out on it, and he calls her “naggy.” Ugh Chad, you’re being such a Chad about this.

Next is fake press interviews. They get grilled about what’s great about JoJo. James T. sings some more, which is developing as an obvious crutch for him. Chad gets questioned last and talks about how all the other guys are “fake” because they’re acting like they’re already in love with JoJo but they don’t really know her. He claims to be looking for a relationship because he’s in the right place emotionally and financially (fuck you). JoJo thinks that he’s keeping it real, and can’t see that he’s just an asshole. Being honest isn’t magic, it doesn’t make you a good person by default. If you’re an "honest" asshole, then you’re just an asshole who can’t keep your mouth shut.

Max and Marcellus give power rankings of the guys on the date. Third is Alex. Second is Chad. First is James T. Alex is especially bummed he placed behind Chad. None of this matters.

Later that evening they gather for drinks. Alex is showing signs of really hating Chad. James and JoJo sit together first because James won. James says, “A smile is the only thing you can see on the outside that comes from the inside.” Oh yeah? What about barf, James? I’m barfing because you’re so corny. Then he reads a poem/note to her, I can’t understand anything he says because of his aggressive Texan accent. But JoJo tears up and they kiss.

During Chad’s one on one time JoJo appreciates that he’s honest and standing his ground, but notices that he’s compensating for something. It comes out that his mother died six months ago. JoJo shows concern, but he brushes it off saying, “You can’t dwell on it.” Which is half true, half completely fucked up. They kiss. And Chad is blown away that he’s having real feelings for her, because until now women have likely been nothing but fuck objects to him, and probably still are.

Date rose: All the guys would be crushed if Chad won it, but James wins it, so no worries! Chad stares hatefully into the middle-distance, obscured by shadows like a villain in an 80’s movie.

Back at the Mansion a day later, it’s time for the Cocktail Hour/Rose Ceremony. Chad waits for JoJo as she arrives. He ambushes her with white wine and conversation. They chat for a bit, and walk into the mansion together. It’s a real power move. The other guys are SHOCKED.

The cocktail hour starts and the dudes talk about what just happened. Alex in particular is fired up. Claims that Chad “has no foundation of respect.” Alex and a couple guys confront him about his move. This is the first in many confrontings of the evening.

Meanwhile JoJo, wearing mittens, is sitting with Chase and he’s arranged for some fake snow to fall on them. It’s his way of making a special moment with her since he didn’t get a date of any kind. I hate snow. There’s nothing special about it. It’s just slow rain that becomes a hazard.

Back at the party Chad is eating a TON of food from the buffet. Just fistfuls of lunch meat. All the guys are remarking on it. It’s the first thing that Chad does that makes me relate to him.

courtesy of @BacheloretteABC

Then Alex gets his time with JoJo interrupted by Chad. Alex, who hates Chad the most. So he rounds up a mob to confront Chad about his actions. Chad laughs off their attempt. He’s not here to make friends, and he wants to fuck with everyone, so he interrupts Evan’s time with JoJo too!

That’s it for Alex. He goes up and calls Chad out for that behavior, and tells him to stop taking time away from the other guys. Chad tells him to fuck off, and threatens to fight him. Alex (who’s an Marine BTW) says he isn’t afraid of him. Chad thinks he is, and that he should be. But no fight happens, because I don't deserve to have anything good happen to me.

ROSE CEREMONY: Chad comes into the ceremony cockily eating more lunch meats (ugh, Chad stop making it hard for me to hate you). Alex thinks JoJo will see what kind of guy Chad is and send him home.

Wells, Derek, and James T are already safe. JoJo gives roses to: Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F, Nick, Vinny, Evan,

The Final Rose goes to…

Fucking Chad. I hate that he got a rose, but I love that he’ll be around for at least one more week. Can’t wait for shit to hit the fan.

Next week: Two Episode event! Two Episodes over two nights Monday and Tuesday. Biplanes. Outdoor showers. More Chad drama. FIGHTS. Blood.