This is how normal people think/talk.
This is how normal people think/talk. courtesy of @BacheloretteABC

I hope you bought an air conditioner during the heat wave this weekend, because last night’s episode of The Bachelorette made things even hotter. That’s a lie, the only way I can watch this show is because I have an empty soul—a hole inside of me darker and blacker than any night, a chasm so vast that when I close my eyes the only sound I hear is the howling of the otherworldly frozen wind that drives my golemesque, unfeeling husk. At least that’s what my life coach tells me.

Anyway, get hyped! Catch up on last week’s recap here: Click to shout noiselessly into my gelid void.

Episode Preview: Bi-Planes , Off roading, outdoor showering, yoga, eye gazing, Aggro-Chad, a security guard in the house! Violence! (Almost NONE of this happens except for the Chad stuff.)

Hit the jump to give all the way up on yourself>>>>

The House is trashed from the cocktail party the night before. The lingering trash is a metaphor for Chad sticking around for another week. Chad and Daniel have become full-fledged bros now, talking constantly about weights and nutrition. That’s just swole. I mean swell.

Chris Harrison shows up to tell the guys this week is going to be one group date and two one-on-ones. He drops the first date card: Chase gets the one-on-one. “Let’s get physical” it says. Somewhere Olivia Newton-John is jazzercising in her grave (for the purposes of this joke ONJ is dead).

Chase (the fake snow/mittens guy from last week) meets JoJo at a yoga studio. Hemalayaa Behl is the instructor. She’s actually of Indian descent which is more culturally sensitive than I would give this show credit for. Hemalayaa begins the session by demonstrating some pelvic thrusts while grunting. Followed by a screaming tantrum that she describes as "an anger-gasm” which is something I’ve only ever had while watching the Star Wars prequels.

JoJo and Chase also do some real yoga. But soon are put into a very intimate pose where JoJo mounts Chase, straddling his lap while they face each other. This move is called “yibyab” or something. I don’t mean to belittle it, but I literally can’t make out what they called it no matter how many times I rewind my DVR, which was none times. Anyway, it’s very intense first date maneuver—I’m married and I don’t think I could handle it, mostly because of the orbital hip pain. The closeness is overpowering to the point where they just start making out. JoJo now feels like she’s known Chase for a lot longer than she has. Namaste.

Later that night Chase and JoJo have some time to sit and talk. Bonding over how uncomfortable the yoga experience was, JoJo tells Chase how impressed she was that he went with it. They get into how Chase grew up as a child of divorce and how that has inspired him to look at marriage as a “one and done” situation. JoJo digs that too. She offers Chase the date rose. After that, she surprises him with a private concert by Charles Kelley. I can tell you from personal experience, your mom LOVES Charles Kelley.

Back at the Mansion: Date card two, group date edition. Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and Chad are picked. “Love has no secrets” it reads. Chad says he doesn’t want to go. The guys call him out on that bullshit, tell him to cross his name off then. Chad is a coward and doesn’t.

Jordan cracks a joke about how if there are teams on the date that the team with Chad better hope it’s a bench press competition, not a spelling competition. Chad gets pissed, calls Jordan "a 27-year-old failed football player." Alex calls Chad a piece of shit. Chad glares at him—Alex says “try me.” Chad points to the door and asks if they want to step outside. I’m about to anger-gasm…

...But apparently that doesn’t lead to anything because next we cut to the group date. Get out your Bachelorette Bingo card because Alex says, “Chad’s not here for the right reasons.” Money. Chad says he isn’t going to change who he is because of what they think. Money. On the way to the date the guys plot a way to antagonize Chad into showing his “true colors.” We have a bingo.

For the date JoJo is taking the guys to a show. A lady comes out on stage and starts in on her best Meg Ryan, When Harry Met Sally impression. She has an ORGASM on stage, then goes into some background on how she learned to do that on command (none of which we get to hear). The Dudes are super uncomfortable because female pleasure is a crime in America. Anyway, turns out they’re at a sex storytelling event, and the guys have to tell sex stories of their own! Evan is stoked because he runs a chain of erectile dysfunction clinics, so this is basically the equivalent of Grant and the Firefighter challenge from last week.

Surprise surprise: Chad is too cowardly to lean in on this challenge. He thinks sex is private and that the past is the past. So obviously he’s either killed prostitutes, or played the crying game and lost. That’s not meant to be transphobic, or disparaging of sex workers, but Chad definitely would be—and that’s my point.

All the guys do a great job making the best of a difficult challenge. Daniel tells a story about cutting a piece of a girl’s hair off. Other than that, they kind of gloss over everything until Evan goes up. Evan is looking to call Chad out as part of his performance. Evan talks about the dangers of using steroids. Implying that Chad uses them. Chad is furious. Because of the 'roid rage.

Chad is up last on the showcase and BUMPS into Evan on his way to the stage then rips his shirt. JoJo notices. Chad asks JoJo to join him on the stage. Copping out of the challenge, he says it’s not about the past, it’s about the future… and then tries to KISS her—but she gives him her CHEEK. Rebuked, he ends the show. I used to have nightmares about things like that happening to me in high school, now I don’t dream of anything anymore.

The guys go backstage after the show, stoked on how embarrassing that was for Chad. Chad PUNCHES a door out of rage then grabs Evan by the shirt. Luckily he doesn’t take it further. Even Daniel tells him to chill. Et tu BRO-te?

That night they have their evening group date hangout with JoJo. She spends time with everyone one-on-one. Things seem to be going great, especially with Jordan. Chad sits with the guys and starts spinning his side of the story claiming he didn’t mind the steroids thing, but that Evan bumped into HIM. It’s insane. Evan tries to talk to Chad about what happened and Chad accuses Evan of bullying him. That’s like the pot calling the white porcelain kettle black.

Back at the Mansion: Date card three arrives and it’s for James T. “Let’s kick it old school” it reads. Oh boy, get ready for some guitar.

Back on the Group Date: Chad sits with JoJo and complains that he didn’t want to go on a date with 12 other dudes. JoJo doesn’t seem impressed with that. Chad tells her that Evan tried to bump into him at the show and that Evan is being a bully. He actually says, “He’s trying to bully the bully.” Which is such a weird way to call yourself a victim and admit that you’re a bully.

Evan interrupts Chad’s time to tell JoJo that Chad has two different personalities and that if Chad stays—he’s going to leave. An ultimatum. By the way, the word “ultimatum” sounds like it should mean something awesome, like the feeling you get when you hear someone yell “Pizza Party!” But in reality, it usually just means someone is mad at you.

After that, It’s looking like JoJo going to send him home. She wants Evan to be here, but she’s not ready to make the choice between him and Chad. So she offers him the Date Rose knowing he might not take it! He accepts! In negotiations you have to be willing to back up your threats! Didn’t you learn anything from this week's episode of Game of Thrones, Evan?

JoJo and Evan go back to the group and Chad is STUNNED to see Evan with the rose. He interrupts JoJo’s explanation of why she picked Evan asking, “Is this real?” JoJo shuts him down, tells him that he’s disrespectful.

Chad just can’t believe that she picked Evan over him. The other guys describe him as a ticking time bomb. So now a security guard has been called in to keep an eye on things. Chad is offended by the presence of the security guard. That’s how I feel when I’m at the food court in the mall. I'm not going to cause a scene over some orange chicken! Unless they run out.

James’ 1-on-1: James and JoJo are dressed up in 40’s-50’s style and are going to a ballroom for swing dancing lessons. James doesn’t take to it very well at first, but he’s a good sport. Eventually, they start to get the hang of it. "In the swing of things" if you will. I won’t, but you can. They go outside to find a flash mob of swing dancers, and they’re supposed to join in. James says it was the best first date he’s ever been on. JoJo wants to see if they can break through the friendship they have and move on to something romantic. I miss the late 90’s swing revival.

Back at the Mansion: Chad eats a raw sweet potato while Daniel tries to talk to him about his anger. Explains that by being friends with Chad he looks bad by association. He makes a lot of Hitler, Mussolini, Donald Trump comparisons. What Daniel is saying makes a lot of sense, but not the way he’s saying it.

1-on-1: JoJo says falling in love with Ben last season taught her that she wants to be with a good, selfless, kind guy. James explains that he grew up being an ugly duckling and that he still sees himself that way. JoJo tells him that he’s the total package, offers him the Date Rose. James then busts out his guitar, TOLD YOU, and plays her a song he wrote. She loves it the way your mom loves Charles Kelley. They kiss. Looks like James avoided the friend zone. This time. *shakes fist at the sky*

Back at the Mansion: The guys are getting ready for the Rose Ceremony. Chad lifts weights while the guys worry that somehow he’ll end up with a rose. Chris Harrison shows up to drop the news that there won’t be a cocktail party. INSTEAD there’s going to be an all-day pool party. The guys all get super horny at the thought of JoJo in a bathing suit. I have my fingers crossed for a one-piece.

As Chris leaves, Evan follows him outside to talk about everything that went down with Chad. Chris says he’ll step in, so he pulls Chad aside. Chris brings up the anger and violence, says he isn’t going to send him home but he has to draw a line. Tells him that this is his chance to “settle it” to “think of an approach” that will be “well received.” I’m adding the scare quotes there, but it sure seems like Chris is trying to goad Chad into beating the shit out of Evan.

Chad is furious that Evan went above his head and talked to Chris, and is probably going to kill him. AND that’s the cliffhanger! To be continued. Will Chad kill Evan? Find out next episode, which by the way is on TONIGHT. Four hours of the Bachelorette in one week? Pray to whatever gods you believe in for me.