On Sunday I decided it would be a good idea to start running again. Remember Sunday? When it was 100 degrees? Well, I’m a genius. It was hell. On Monday all the connective tissue in my body took a vote and told me to fuck off forever. On Tuesday I ignored my body’s plea for rest and decided I was going to keep running like I was some kind of Bernie Sanders. It was also hell. Why would I subject myself to something so grueling and unpleasant as exercise twice in one week? I don’t know. I guess I’m just a glutton for punishment.
Anyway, last night was the second of two back to back episodes of The Bachelorette! We finally get to see the awful chaos Chad is going to wreak.
Catch up by reading yesterday’s recap here: Click to jump on the treadmill that never slows or stops.
Lace up your shoes and hit the jump to find out what happened>>>>
We pick up where we left off. With Chris telling Chad to settle it. He seemed like he was going to fight Evan...
But of course, he comes into the room and just tells all the guys that he has “no problem” with any of them and that he’s sure they’re all “nice guys”. If they leave him alone everything will be cool. Evan informs Chad that he owes him a new shirt and an apology. Chad agrees to give him $20. That's not enough for a shirt, CHAD.
JoJo arrives at the Pre-Rose Ceremony pool party. All the dudes are shirtless. My wife says, “Look at those boobies, like they just sit around with their tits out.”
JoJo is enjoying her pool day. Everyone is starting to have fun. Even Chad. She sits with him and asks him about his rude behavior the night before. He says he couldn’t believe she picked Evan because they’re on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Like how’s he supposed to know where to take her for dinner? Does she want Ice cream or steak? Silly Chad, the answer is BOTH. And you're insane.
Chad thinks 97% of the conversations with JoJo are about him. He’s not wrong, and overhears Derek talking to JoJo about why there’s a security guard in the house. Chad isn’t happy about that so he pulls Derek aside, and says, “Whatever guy like me who stole your girlfriend—he wasn’t me.” He tells Derek to stop talking about him. Derek holds his ground, says he’ll tell JoJo about this conversation if she asks. Chad is like a politician trying to control a story at this point. Usually getting ahead of the story is the best answer, but not in the situation where the story is: you’re a total fuckface.
We move on after that to the Rose Ceremony. Chase, Evan, and James T are safe from the dates in last night’s episode. So here’s who JoJo picks: Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F, Vinny, Daniel, Alex, final rose goes to…
Chad. Of course Chad. That means Christian, Ali, and Nick are gone. Which is unfair because 13.8 billion years ago the big bang happened and nothing has been fair since then.
JoJo tells the guys who made it that she wants to leave the drama from last week behind, so they’re going to pack their bags and go on a trip. Here’s the thing, JoJo: You decided to keep the one asshole at the epicenter of that drama. That's like moving the henhouse to a different farm, but keeping the fox inside.
So where does JoJo take the guys? Pennsylvania. Really? Jesus, there must be some crazy good tax credits in that state. A date card arrives: Luke gets a one-on-one. “I like you very mush…” it reads.
The date is Luke and JoJo together on a dog sled ride that ends at a woodfire tub. But in order to use it, Luke has to chop some wood. They strip down and get in. Luke is in amazing shape. My wife says, “Ew he has tits.” Which makes me feel great about marrying her.
Back at the Hotel: The guys speculate about the next date, afraid it will be a two-on-one date. Or worse. A two-on-one with Chad. So that’s probably what will happen. They intercut some shots of Chad sitting alone saying he doesn’t want anyone to mess with him with shots of a bear that are obviously stock footage. It ends with Chad saying “Don’t poke the Chad-bear.”
Side note: I think of the phrase “don’t poke the bear” like the concept of hell. The reason you shouldn’t poke a bear isn’t because you’re afraid of the bear. You shouldn’t poke it because you’re already a decent person who doesn’t needlessly antagonize bears. That being said, Chad isn’t a bear, he’s a manchild, so poke the shit out of that motherfucker.
The next Date Card arrives: Derek James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby. “We could go all the way,” it reads. That means Chad and Alex are left out. They’re obviously going on a two-on-one, setting the stage for the showdown we’ve been waiting for.
Back on the 1-on-1: Luke is a veteran who went to Afghanistan and was a platoon leader. He talks about the weight of that responsibility. A friend of his was killed in action. Luke had to learn how to reconnect to his emotions after that experience. Hearing about all that, JoJo feels way more connected to him and offers him the date rose. Something seems off about Luke. He comes off more like a sleeper assassin programmed by the government.
Regardless of his secret imperative to kill, JoJo has one more surprise for him. They go to a theater where there is a big cheering crowd. They get up on stage and a band comes out. The band is Dan + Shay. Continuing this show’s streak of guest performers that only draw crowds in flyover states. Fuck you, Wyoming!
The Group Date: The guys go to Heinz Field where Ben Roethlisberger is waiting for them (he’s the quarterback for the Steelers (The Steelers are an NFL team (the only reason I know that is because I had a step-dad who liked the Steelers))). It’s going to be a football challenge. Which means this is Jordan’s wheelhouse. Really stacking the deck with all the challenges this year.
JoJo is surprised how intense all the guys are about this challenge. James T gets a cut brow. His head is wrapped up like a mummy, but he plays on. The dudes have to play a real game against each other. The winners get to hang out with JoJo, the losers go back to the hotel.
Jordan gets to play quarterback on both teams meaning he’ll be a winner no matter what. In the end Blue team and White team are tied with a minute left. Blue team picks-off White with 6 seconds left and runs it in to win it. That means Jordan, Evan, James T, Vinny, Robby and Derek are going to hangout with JoJo.
JoJo tells Jordan that he’s hard to read. He senses that he's not opening up with her as quickly as she needs him to. So he tells her that he’s falling for her. And that helps him clinch the date rose. Do you think he’s just telling her what she wants to hear? I doubt it, people don't lie.
Back at the hotel: we get the final date card. It confirms that Chad and Alex are going on a two-on-one in the woods. It somehow turns into a big argument where Chad once again asks if guys want to “go outside” and fight. And once again, there is no fight.
As the date starts Chad and Alex set their luggage out. But before they leave Jordan talks some shit, and Chad hears it. Chad threatens to go out of his way to come find him after the show ends. Jordan isn’t scared though. What follows is a loooong awkward silence. The following are two of the greatest clips of this show so far:
Alex and Chad leave for the date. They take a helicopter to the middle of the woods where JoJo is waiting for them with hiking packs. They make their way to a river where they sit and make awkward conversation. Mercifully JoJo pulls Alex aside to talk first. She prods him about Chad and he lays it all out. JoJo is a bit stunned about it. She sees a different side of Chad now. NOW? Now you see a different side? Everyone has been talking shit about this guy for weeks, and only now you see it? Okay JoJo. Okay.
She takes Chad aside to talk and views it as her chance to really understand who he is. She confronts him about what Alex told her. He gets defensive and tries to play the victim. But she doesn’t buy his act and walks away to think. Chad gets angry and throws his mug into the river. But to be fair you guys, that river deserved it.
JoJo understands the Chad has messed up but thinks it might be because his mom died recently. Even so, that’s not reason enough to give someone a chance. It’s a bad place to start a relationship. You can’t fix people, you can support people, but ultimately they have to fix themselves.
Chad is pissed at Alex now. Comes back whistling like a murderer. Chad says it’s unfortunate that he can’t hurt Alex without getting in trouble. They start a squabble that opens with Chad telling Alex to drink a glass of milk and ends with Alex saying, “Pigs are in the barn.” To which Chad replies, “Pigs are in the castle.” Somewhere in the middle, Chad says, “Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes.” Am I having a stroke?
JoJo comes back and straight out asks Chad if he’s threatened people in the house. He has no choice but to admit that he has. JoJo picks up the date rose and tells him that she doesn't think he’s the person that he says he is, and that she doesn’t want to be with someone who resorts to threats and violence. She gives the rose to Alex. They grab their packs and leave Chad behind in the woods. FINALLY.
Back at the hotel: A production guy grabs Chad’s luggage. The other guys pour shots in celebration. Ding dong the Chad is dead. This is what it looks like:
Still in the woods, Chad claims that Alex lied by telling JoJo that he threatens people. Then he says “Now I gotta go fucking find Alex.” That… that’s literally a threat.
While Alex and JoJo spend some time together kissing and drinking champagne, Chad walks through the dark woods alone. Whistling again. He approaches the hotel, knocking on a sliding glass window. This is some slasher movie, the-bad-guy-is-never-really-dead shit.
The story of Chad is not over. To be continued... In TWO WEEKS.