That soccer ball is basically some dudes heart.
That soccer ball is basically some dude's heart.

Oh hey there! I didn’t think you’d be looking to read a recap of The Bachelorette. I thought y’all motherfuckers probably blew your wad on the amazing Game of Thrones season finale. Obviously, there’s a lot of audience crossover. Basically, think of JoJo as Kahleesi, and all the other guys on the show as Daario and Jorah, and the guy who wins is whoever gets to marry the mother of dragons (I'm pulling for Samwell).

Anyway, you can catch up on last week’s recap here: Click to support my fan theory that Chris Harrison is the Night King.

Episode Preview: Argentina! Night swimming! Smooches! JoJo doesn’t know if she can hand out a rose this week.

Hit the jump to see how the real war of the roses plays out>>>>

JoJo feels the romance in the air in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I guess that’s why they call it “The City of Good Air.” They don’t call it that. Do they? Regardless, tell all your friends that’s what Buenos Aires means. It’ll be our fun thing together.

Chris Harrison greets the guys as they arrive and tells them there will be a group date, a 1-on-1, and FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER a second 2-on-1 date. They’re stunned. Wells is worried because he hasn’t had a 1-on-1 yet and think’s he’ll be headed home if he doesn’t get one.

Deflating any tension over that point, the date card comes and Wells gets the 1-on-1. “Bésame. Bésame, muchacho,” it reads. That means "kiss me, kiss me, boy" in English. Wells cops to the fact that he hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. The dudes are stunned again. Two stuns in one day? Ya goddamn right!

JoJo arrives for the date and Luke pointedly (and lightheartedly) asks if she and Wells are going to kiss today. She says, “That’s funny, isn’t it?” obviously feeling awkward.

JoJo and Wells head out on their date, and while they stroll the streets of BA, the guys back at the hotel unpack just how hard it will be for Wells to find the right alchemy of timing and passion and live up to the expectations that JoJo must have. Expectation is the leading cause of disappointment. I never expect anything to happen if I can help it and that makes everything better. Don’t believe me? Next time you order a pizza, don’t expect it to come. When it does you’ll think life is a miracle.

JoJo takes Wells to a performance art show called Fuerza Bruta (Brute Force). They’re getting a private show and it’s pretty cool. It has overhead pool swimmers. And a gunshot treadmill. Typical stuff. They’re asked to try and do some of the things that they saw. Wells tries to find the right moment to kiss her, but it just leads to stuff like this:

But later while sliding around in a suspended pool Wells finds the courage to finally make his move. After a long kiss, JoJo jumps up and proclaims, “That was the moment!” Mom’s spaghetti, motherfuckers.

Wells and JoJo move on to the evening portion of the date. JoJo asks him about his last relationship. He was with someone for a long time but they realized that they were “just best friends living together” so they broke up. JoJo realizes that she doesn’t want that. Living with your best friend is hard because what if they don’t do the dishes? What are you going to do, kill your best friend? No one wants to do that, but no one wants a dirty sink either.

Back at the hotel, Date Card 2 is dropped off: Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex get the group date. “Living la vida boca” the card says. Derek and Chase are the odd men out, meaning they’re going on the dreaded 2-on-1.

Back on the 1-on-1: Wells and JoJo talk about what they want, and what being in love means to them. JoJo realizes that the spark isn’t really there between them. So she decides to not give him the date rose even though she thinks he’s great–-just not that great. Honestly JoJo seems more broken up about it than Wells.

She walks into the Fuerza Bruta show she was supposed to see with Wells. Sending Wells home helped her realize just how hard this really is. She stands in the crowd watching the show alone. Water rains down on everyone. I bet she feels like Ernest in Ernest Goes to Camp.

The next day JoJo meets the guys for the group date in the La Boca District, where there’s a bunch of fun crap going on. Arts and crafts, tangos. Futbol. James is feeling pretty inadequate compared to the others, especially Jordan. The locals challenge the dudes to a penalty kick contest. The winner gets to kiss JoJo. Contrary to his worries, James is the only one to kick a goal shot! Who’s inadequate now? Me, for giving a shit.

That evening JoJo and the guys hang out for drinks. Luke tells JoJo that he’s like, super, like in like with her. He says “like,” like, a lot. After that, they kiss hella sexily. JoJo says she is running out of words to describe the level of passion that is her and Luke. It’s like they’re fucking with just their mouths.

Back at the hotel:
Chase and Derek get the date card that confirms what they and we already know. 2-on-1. “It takes two…” the card reads. I know it means they’re going to Tango, but what if their date was recreating the music video to Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock’s It Takes Two?

Back on the group date:
James and JoJo chat. James tells her that he’s feeling insecure about Jordan being around. He tells her that Jordan benefits from his borderline celebrity and acts entitled, and Jordan is a little different when she’s not around.

So JoJo pulls Jordan aside next. She tells him that it was brought to her attention that Jordan and James had an altercation and he acted in an unbecoming manner. I guess it was an argument over the rules of poker off camera. Jordan smoothes over by explaining that he was simply trying to explain the rules to James. Jordan walks away pissed off at James. When he joins the guys he does some aggressive passive-aggressive wine swirling.

The other guys notice that he’s acting like THE WEIRDEST DRACULA and ask him about it. He confronts James about the situation. James tries to shrug it off, Jordan thinks his actions were pathetic. JoJo gives the date rose to Luke, I presume because of how good the mouth to mouth fucking was.

The next day is the 2-on-1 date: Derek and Chase get ready for battle. My wife says, “Ugh, they both have that flip up in the front haircut. I hate that haircut.” I like to think of it as a hair wall that stops jokes from going over their heads.

They meet JoJo for a tango class. The three of them are going to have to dance together. JoJo points out that the dance is about being torn between two men, and wouldn’t you know it, that’s what she’s ACTUALLY going through. Go figure.

After a day of half-hearted dancing they go on to an evening of drinks and conversation. She pulls Derek aside first and tells him that she’s noticed that since their first 1-on-1 he’s pulled back a bit. Derek realizes that he has nothing to gain, and everything to lose by not being completely emotionally honest with her. So he tells her that she’s the most amazing woman he’s ever met and that he’s falling for her–-HE LOOKS LIKE JIM FROM THE OFFICE. I can’t handle it. Every time I look at his face it freaks me out. They kiss.

JoJo sits with Chase and tells him that after their last time alone she didn’t feel he was reciprocating the feelings that she has for him. He’s stunned, but doesn’t really show her any passion. I think it’s because Chase is a robot programmed for one function: to destroy my love of television. But somehow he’s able to download a patch that lets him express “emotion” and JoJo buys it. They kiss.

Date rose time: JoJo has to pick from these two duds... and she offers it to Chase. Freeing me from my weekly curse of having to watch off-brand John Krasinski. Sidenote: I fully think the real Jim should be in more movies. I miss him.

In the loser van Derek realizes that he’s Derek, and Derek is imperfect (because Derek isn’t Jim). Back inside JoJo and Chase dance to that song from Evita because it’s the only song about Argentina that Americans would recognize. Back in the limo Derek tells Derek not to cry.

Now it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Two guys have already been sent home this week. Luke and Chase are safe. There are four guys without roses and three roses to give.

Jordan tells JoJo that he wants to be in love and engaged by the end of this, and thinks they can get there. JoJo is impressed by his emotional honesty. Alex has a feeling that he’s on the chopping block since he’s never gotten a date rose, or a 1-on-1. JoJo tells him that he shouldn’t feel like he’s behind. James is pushing himself to be confident and fight for her. They share their most passionate kiss yet.

JoJo is more confused after the cocktail hour than she was before. But here we go.

Rose 1: Robby. Rose 2: Jordan. Rose 3: Comes down to Alex or James…

JoJo can’t decide and walks out of the room with it. Chris Harrison talks it through with her. After she comes back inside, JoJo decides to say fuck it and make her own rules. She brings out TWO roses and gives them both Alex and James. It’s kind of like when you get a participation trophy in sports: AKA gratifying, and not at all shameful. Oh wait.

Next Episode Preview: