Im so horny I could fuck a horse
"I'm so horny I could fuck a horse." @BacheloretteABC

The world is fucking awful. There is so much tragic and important stuff happening right now that if feels a little stupid to recap garbage like The Bachelorette, but I’m a completionist, so here goes.

Check out my last recap here: who gives a shit.

Episode preview: Skeet shooting, horseback riding, Argentinian countryside, kissing in a thunderstorm, Jordan sucks.

Hit the jump to get through this with me>>>

The guys are still shocked by JoJo’s decision to keep both guys at the end of the last rose ceremony. Chris arrives to tell them there’s going to be four dates this week: three one on ones and a group date. He drops the first date card. Alex is the only guy who hasn’t had a one-on-one. But that all changes when they read the card. “El Gaucho on my mind” it reads.

Quickly, Alex and JoJo hop into a car and start thumb wrestling and eating Pringles. They make the duck bills with the chips. Basically, that was my whole first date with my wife. I never let her win at thumb wrestling and she respects me because of it.

The other guys jump onto an old vintage bus and head out to the Argentinian countryside where they’ll be staying all week. They beatbox and do some awful rapping. I’m talking worse than an absentee-father-wrapping-a-Christmas-present-in-January bad. That joke sounds better than it reads. Think about it. Anyway, the guys think JoJo would have more fun with them on the bus than on the 1-on-1 with Alex.

Back in the Car: JoJo and Alex have eaten all the chips, exhausted their thumbs, and run out of things to talk about. JoJo lets out an audible sigh. Looks like the other guys were right. But they eventually arrive at a ranch where they’ll culturally appropriate the gaucho lifestyle.

Meanwhile, the guys pull over to eat at a roadside BBQ place that would make Anthony Bourdain drool. Jordan isn’t stoked though because he’s a picky eater. Hey if you’re a picky eater you need to get fucked. Life is a short miracle and eating food is the only good thing about it so you should probably try some stuff outside your comfort zone.

On the 1-on-1: JoJo and Alex ride horses and herd some sheep. Alex tells her that she “looks like a model out of a Ralph Lauren magazine” You know, that popular magazine? Eventually one of the real Gauchos uses his Gaucho powers to make his horse roll onto his back and cuddle like a puppy. JoJo and Alex snuggle up to the horse and each other. It’s indescribably weird.

Date Card Two Arrives: Jordan gets the next one-on-one.

That Night: Alex and JoJo sit and talk about things. Alex tells her that he’s falling in love with her. She’s surprised because he’s normally withdrawn about his feelings. JoJo tells him that she didn’t feel as excited as she should be hearing that. So she tells him that it’s over and sends him home because making him wait all week just to send him home at the rose ceremony would be cruel.

The Next Morning: Jordan goes on his date with JoJo. His limo pulls up to a private jet where she waits for him. The jet takes them to a vineyard in the Andes mountains. And of course have to stomp grapes, which gives me an excuse to post this classic:

They also drink the foot juice right after stomping it. GROSS!

Back at the Hotel: The guys are worried that Jordan is the front-runner. They think he’s got a façade, he's putting on an act, a ruse. Something is rotten in Denmark. His face has two sides. That his intentions are less than honorable.

The third date card arrives: Chase, James, Robby get the group date. That means Luke gets the last one-on-one.

That Night: Jordan and JoJo sit down for a chat. Jordan is prepared to tell JoJo about his family because next week is hometowns, which means he could meet them. He tells her that Aaron (his very famous NFL player brother) won’t be there because Aaron is too important and popular to have a relationship with Jordan. Whah Whah. Jordan tells her that he loves her. And she gives him a big’ol kiss.

The Next Day: The group date is about to start but it’s a rainy day so their planned adventurous outdoors date is cancelled. Instead they decide to hang out in the hotel and eat room service. James says he can fit all the french fries (minus six) in his mouth.

This kicks off a game of truth or dare. JoJo dares Robby to strip down to his underwear and run down the hall. Robby looks good with his shirt off, so James starts an ongoing lie that Robby can’t keep his eyes off other women. It’s pretty funny, but Robby DOESN’T LIKE IT.

JoJo takes Robby aside and asks him about his past relationship. He dated a woman for three years and it fell apart because she never introduced him to her family, and she didn’t embrace his. It comes up that this relationship ended only FOUR months ago! JoJo is worried that he isn’t over it, but Robby says he is. WE’LL SEE ROBBY. The truth always comes out. Except for the truth that the government is run by a race of space lizards who are making the earth hotter to create the perfect climate for their egg to hatch. AND THAT EGG IS THE MOON Y’ALL.

Superfriends tried to warn us.
Superfriends tried to warn us.

Chase and JoJo sit down and I immediately realize he’s probably going home tonight. He’s just so boring and their relationship doesn’t feel real even in the context of the other fake-ass relationships on this show.

Finally, James and JoJo sit down. He jumps into asking her what she feels about their relationship. She tells him that he has every quality of the man she’d want to marry and be the father of her children. If I’ve learned anything from movies and high school that means he’s headed for some heart-break somewhere down the line. It’ll basically go like this:

The three guys talk about who they think is a frontrunner, and Robby thinks it’s him. JoJo enters to give out the date rose. Whoever gets it will automatically get to go on to the hometown dates. She gives it to Robby. James and Chase are crushed. They have to leave while Robby gets to stay behind and make out with JoJo in a thunderstorm.

The Next Day: Is Luke’s 1-on-1. He meets her at a horse ranch. Luke is a seasoned horseman, so this is an easy date for him. He tells her about his first time breaking a horse. They ride horses to a skeet shooting range. Luke dead-shots some clay pigeons.

He’s pretty manly in all the ways western society constructs masculinity, but also he seems sensitive, and JoJo is into it. Luke tells her that he thinks it would be easy for her to fit in with his friends and family. He doesn’t know what comes after the show ends, but he wants to figure it out with her. GodDAMNIT, Luke! Why can’t I quit you?

The Rose Ceremony: Five guys remain, Robby already has a rose, and one guy has to go home. Here’s who makes the cut: Luke, Jordan, and…

Chase. WHOA. How did that happen? James seemed to have way more of a connection with JoJo. I’m actually a little shocked here. So is James. He’s shattered. I think James would be a good candidate for the next bachelor, but I think he’s too goofy to actually get it.

The real bummer is that we’re going to have to meet boring-ass Chase’s boring-ass family.

Next Time: