Its a tradition in my family to eat the hand of the bride.
It's a tradition in my family to eat the hand of the bride. courtesy of @BacheloretteABC

This is it you guys. My LAST Bachelor/Bachelorette recap. I’m calling it quits after this one because every season of this show is the fucking same. It's like variations on a musical theme, but the song is a Nickleback song. I want to thank everyone (all two of you, mom, dad.) that read these recaps. It’s been fun.

Catch up on my recap of last episode here: But really what’s the point? If you’re reading this you should already know what’s up.

Episode Preview: JoJo is in love with two men. Her family wants her to make a smart decision. JoJo didn’t want it to be this hard.

Hit the jump to end this journey with me>>>>

JoJo wakes up in Phuket, Thailand. She is definitely falling in love with both men, but she doesn’t want to tell them. When she’s with Jordan she thinks of Robby and vice versa. That’s exactly my relationship with cheese and pepperoni pizza.

JoJo meets up with her family for the first time since starting this “Journey.” She tells them that she’s in love with two guys. She says she’s nervous because Jordan is the type of guy she’s always gone for (look how that turned out), but doesn’t worry about that with him. But she should! If it looks like a duck, it quacks like a duck, and it emotionally manipulates like a duck—it’s a fucking asshole.

Anyway, Jordan is the first guy to get introduced to JoJo’s parents. He brings everyone hats as gifts to break the tension. I’ll have to remember that trick for my next court trial. "And for Juror number four... a top hat! I'm innocent!"

JoJo’s mom takes Jordan aside first. Right away she’s 10x more sober than she was last season when she met Ben. She grills Jordan about marriage and commitment and point blank asks him to promise to never break her daughter’s heart. He agrees, because what else can you possibly do in that situation besides throw a smoke bomb and flee the country and assume a fake identity and get into water coloring.

JoJo and mom talk, mom is worried that Jordan is too likable. I don’t think anyone watching the show feels that way, though. Guess you had to be there.

Jordan sits with JoJo’s dad. We find out that JoJo told Jordan that she wants him to ask her father for permission to marry her. BUT Jordan lets his 1-on-1 time with Dad go by without asking. Uh-oh. Looks like this antiquated custom that reinforces the idea that women are property is going to be trouble for Jordan.

Next is Robby’s turn to meet the ‘rents. He's excited to meet them and ask her father for permission to marry JoJo. Robby impresses them right away with his gentlemanly demeanor.

JoJo sits with her brothers who were total fuck-shits last season and must have gone to some sort of obedience school since then. I was really counting on them to make this episode interesting, but alas. They say Robby seems like a great guy. One brother tells her that she needs to think of all the components that go into a marriage. Like social components, not computer parts. I know, I was confused at first, too.

Meanwhile, Robby sits with Mom. She brings up trust issues and asks him if he’s ready to marry JoJo. Robby says yes! Mom says, “She was raised as a princess, and I want you to make her queen of your heart.” But that’s going to be tough because Beyoncé is the queen of everyone’s heart whether we like it or not (I don’t).

Robby goes to ask for her father’s permission and includes mom, too. He lays it all out there, and Dad grants him his blessing. I don’t understand how any parent can go along with this farce of a show. If I was JoJo’s dad and one of these haircuts asked me for my blessing, I would just walk into the ocean and never come back.

Welcome home, my son.
"Welcome home, my son."

After both guys meet the parents, JoJo still doesn’t know who she’s going to choose. Jordan. JoJo’s family sit around and weigh the merits of the guys, and everyone comes out on Team Robby. JoJo learns that Jordan didn’t ask for her hand in marriage and Robby did. She breaks down because she doesn’t know how to choose. They’re really hitting that plot point hard. This show needs new writers.

Anyway, she has one more date with each guy to figure it out. Robby is first up. They’re all set to have a beach day. They strip down to their suits and jump in the water. Robby super loves her, he feels like they’re only two people in the world. Worst. Rapture. Ever.

Robby tells JoJo a story of the future:

Yep, sounds like every night of my marriage, minus the kids, skip the burnt meatloaf, and cut straight to the pizza.

That night, Robby wants to make sure JoJo knows how much he loves her. JoJo affirms that he’s the one guy who she doesn’t doubt when he tells her how he feels. Robby gives her some photos of their “journey” not photos he took—they’re production stills. But it works. JoJo tells us that she feels the love he has for her. She has no doubts about him. She sees a future with him… Girl, you don’t need to bring alternate timelines into this. We know you’re gonna pick Jordan so stop playing with this man. This ain’t Star Trek.

Speaking of Jordan, we move on to JoJo's last date with him. They get on a boat together. Then they get on a kayak and paddle into a lagoon through a cool cave. It’s a way better date than her date with Robby. Looks like the production wants her to choose Jordan, but I can’t fathom why. Jordan would make a better Bachelor than any of these other clowns.

JoJo loves Jordan, but has doubts because of his past, and the fact that he didn’t ask her dad for permission. JoJo asks him what he talked about with her dad. It comes out that Jordan doesn’t know what he wants, but that he wants to be with JoJo and that they have time, and he would be willing to ask her dad for permission. JoJo asks if he’s willing to get down on one knee in two days. Jordan says if it was up to him, he’d 100% be down on one knee. Which conflicts with everything else he just said. How is she going to pick this guy? Like, what IS this? This is some Donald Trump shit:

JoJo goes into that evening with a ton of questions. Mostly she’s sad because she wanted Jordan to ask for her father’s permission, and that moment is gone forever now. She’s also worried that he wants to be with her, but isn’t ready for a proposal. He reassures her by saying he only ever wants to be engaged once, and that he doesn’t have any doubts.

We move into our final act (thank motherfucking christ). It’s the final day. Robby goes to pick out a ring for JoJo. He writes her a love note.

Jordan says there was so many things about this experience that he can’t control, but there was one thing he can control: how he feels about JoJo. You know, that old romantic idea that you can control how you feel about someone. Jordan then rights the ship by calling JoJo’s parents and asking for permission. He ALSO writes her a love note and picks out an engagement ring. It's like this show is going in slow-motion.

JoJo has been waiting for this day. She woke up with a moment of clarity, she knows who she’s wants to be with. Jordan and Robby's notes arrive, and both are very emotionally moving for her. Is that clarity still there?

Yes. She tells us that she doesn’t want to hurt “him” (like it isn’t Robby). The first car pulls up and Robby steps out. Robby has no doubt that he’s going to be proposing to her. The poor son of a bitch. He starts giving a big speech about how much he loves her, and she lets it go on for too long before stopping him. She tells him that she fell in love with him, but for some reason her heart is somewhere else. She wanted it to be him, but it isn’t. Because JoJo always wanted it to be Jordan and she’s willfully ignored every sign that he’s not a good guy. 🐸 ☕️

Robby has an emotional goodbye where he tells JoJo that he just wants her to be happy. Jordan shows up after. JoJo gets over the pain of breaking Robby’s heart by looking forward to Jordan proposing to her. He gives a speech too:

“I’m gonna keep you safe. I gonna protect you. Robby won’t even say Radical Islam.”

JoJo stops him before he proposes to tell him that she loves him too. Then he gets down on one knee and pops the question:

She says yes. Everything after this information is uninteresting. They seem happy though:

That was it. It's all over now. If you're interested in following along with the cast-offs you can catch The Bachelor in Paradise tonight on ABC. It's all the trashy drama without the sappy boring shit. I won't be recapping it. Bye!