Blood Bone-Nation: Bad Blood

I love campy bullshit. For my money, there’s no better campy bullshit than True Blood. Unlike my complicated relationship with Glee, I’m all about Alan Ball’s vampiric Southern soap opera and I expect anyone who has followed the show into its third season feels similarly. True Blood is nothing if not consistent in what it serves up.

That’s why I’m creating a space like Steve’s Lost discussion groups where anyone else who’s following the goings-on in Bon Temps can chat about the latest juicy developments without bothering people who don’t care about sexy vampires. I don’t have HBO so I’ll be watching Monday mornings via perfectly legitimate internet sources and posting ’round noon. I know the internet is all about immediacy, but the internet doesn’t pay my cable bill.

One rule: NO SPOILERS FROM THE BOOKS. I haven’t read ’em and I ain’t gonna read ’em and I’ll be pissed off if someone tells me what’s gonna happen. Theories and speculation, though? Let’s do it!

That said, let’s let the first tardy True Blood discussion group COMMENCE!

And we’re back! So much stuff was happening at once I had to spend a lot of time getting reoriented. I know it would make boring TV, but they just killed a maenad! Can’t the citizens of Bon Temps have one day without everything going shitballs?

Here’s a getting-to-know-you question: are you guys Bill-people or Eric-people? Bill is steady and broody, but Eric (as we saw this episode) is a Nordic fuckmachine.

Sam is obviously on Team Bill. Was anyone else totally surprised by Sam’s homorific dream? Who was digging it? Is “I hear the water in Arkansas is very hard” not the worst pick-up line in history?

And while we’re talking about naked dudes, does anyone else find all the Austin Powers-style junk-obscuring to be way more distracting than male full frontal? I know HBO has its standards, but we saw all there was to see of Eric’s Estonian friend, so why not?

Not Jason, though. His dick is temporarily broken. Even when he is bedding two gorgeous veterinarians at once he can’t stop thinking about making scrambled Eggs. Meanwhile his new roomie Hoyt (with a new “bad ass” buzz cut) is all hung up on Jessica, who spent most of this episode playing hide-the-body (less fun and rewarding than hide-the-afikomen).

I always enjoy Hoyt and his big puppy self, as I do Terry, who is more of an adopted puppy from an abusive home. And now he’s gonna be a dad?! Bacchanalian sex cults have real life consequences, kids. I’m feeling for Renee’s children, too. They already had a serial killer dad and now this!

Is there any characters you didn’t miss over the break? Do their names rhyme with Shmara and Shmara’s mom? Tara’s got two operating modes: prickly/out of control and disbelief at her own euphoria. Now that Eggs is dead we’re stuck with the first one while Tara’s mom tries to get her God on and her freak on at the same time.

Fuck that, show me some more werewolves and superhot vampire queens stomping on Eric with their stilettos. True Blood, I’m so glad you’re back!

Stray notes and quotes
I like how Jason called the veterinarians “college graduettes.”
How about Lafayette’s sparkly basketball jersey/panama hat combo?
How much pussy overflow is it reasonable to ask your roommate to tolerate?
Why does Tara’s mom read Men’s Health magazine?
Where can I get a rune-deciphering app for my smartphone?
Bill biting the old lady then hypnotizing her with happy thoughts: heartwarming or spooky?
“Every time I look at you I keep seein’ these big ol’ bullet holes in your heads” really is the best line to end a three-way with.
Werewolves!