While picking on CNN is like tipping a particularly slow moving cow, it’s still fun to watch Conan (who works for CNN’s sibling TBS) do it—especially when he punctures the news network’s breathless “instant” reporting of the Ebola (not a) crisis (here yet). Also, COVER YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH WHEN YOU SNEEZE, ANDY!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)