First things first: YOU’RE WEAK!! (Especially if you didn’t watch last night’s Walking Dead—which I’m about to recap in this edition of The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club! Join me after the jump for lots of spoilery spoilers and your incisive commentary on last night’s episode. Let’s start CHITTY-CHATTING!
- Courtesy AMC
- “The Infected Bunch! The Infected Bunch! That’s the waaaay weeee became the Infected Bunch!”
Here’s your recap for last night’s episode… “Infected.”
1) Ahh-ahh-CHOOOEY!! Man, this flu is a real killer. I mean, the eyes-ears-and-nose bleeding I can stand… but oh, man—these sniffles! Anyway, the episode opens with a new and terrible way to torture poor Tyreese—who falls ass over teakettle in love with Karen, and serenades her with a creepy version of “I’ve Got You Under My Skin.” Seriously Tyreese? Why not Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”? Karen eventually makes her way back to her cell, no thanks to her shitty flashlight and the flu-ridden zombified Patrick who is up and ready to (yum-yum-yum) EAT!
2) Meanwhile, somebody is feeding live rats to the zombies on the fence. HEY! I WAS GONNA EAT THAT RAT!
3) Cock-a-doodle-doo! It’s a new morning. Rick and Carl head out to do their farming, but are concerned about the mass of zombies on the fence, which makes Carl think, “Hmm… I could really use my gun to kill some of those zombies.” Less concerned is Glenn who is taking Polaroid pictures of his sleeping gal-pal Maggie—which in a world teeming with creepiness… is still kinda creepy. BLAM!! BLAM!! Oh, now what??
4) AHHHH!! Zombies are overrunning Cell Block D! After dispatching them with head-squashing style, Rick a bit too quickly deduces that Patrick’s flu was the cause, and that everyone around him could be infected. That means Tyreese’s new boo Karen is being sent off to death row (FORESHADOWING) to keep her and others quarantined.
5) Meanwhile, Carol nurses one of the bite victims who is the dad to Lizzie and Mika. As the children say their goodbyes, Lizzie volunteers to knife her dad in the ear—but just like I did when I was 12, she chickens out. Why? BECAUSE SHE’S WEAK!!! IDIOT GRIEVING GIRL!! (Note to world: Carol is a monster.)
6) Oh yeah, Michonne. So she’s about to leave the prison, when she’s attacked by zombies, sprains her ankle and is stuck listening to Farmer’s Daughter (WHAT IS HER NAME????) babysit Rick’s baby. Ughh! Babies are the WORST! Except when they’re not. SOB!! She misses her baby!
7) AHHHH!! The zombies are knocking down the fence! Poke ’em in the eye! And… heeeeyyy. Who left all these dead rats lying around? MYSTERY. (Though I bet it’s Lizzie. She’s weirdly attracted to the zombies, and besides… SHE’S WEAK!!!!) You know who else is WEAK??? Carl who decides to narc out Carol for teaching the kids some knife tricks. SNITCHES END UP IN DITCHES, CARL!!
8) Rick kills two birds with one stone by luring the zombies away from the fence with infected pigs, as their piggy blood splatters all over his face. He’s upset by this, because… BECAUSE HE’S WEAK!!! But later decides to give Carl’s gun back, and strap on his own, because DUH.
9) Now that everything’s back to abnormal, it’s time for Tyreese to grab a handful of daisies and visit Karen in the sick ward. Maybe he’ll sing her another inappropriate song, and… WHAAAAAAA?? Someone’s murdered all the sickies and burned their bodies with gasoline!! AHHHH!!! How could they just lie there and be burned like that? THEY’RE SO WEAK!!!!
10) Okay, so that was a pretty intense episode, and rather good other than the insane amount of foreshadowing involved. WHO’S FEEDING RATS TO THE ZOMBIES ON THE FENCE? (Answer me!) WHO’S BURNING BODIES IN THE SICK WARD? (Answer me!) AND WHO’S GOING TO GIVE RICK A NEW SHIRT SINCE HE FINALLY BURNED THE ONE HE’S BEEN WEARING EVER SINCE EPISODE ONE? (Answer me, and offer up your incisive commentary in the comments below… that is, unless you’re WEAK!!!)
- Courtesy AMC
- “Go ahead! Stick me in the eye! You can’t, can you? BECAUSE YOU’RE WEAK!!”
My stand-out moment from this awful ensemble of characters on this show: Surrogate mom of the year (Carol, I finally remembered her name 3 years in) agreeing that young Lizzie really should be the one to stab her dad in the neck. Yea, sure Carol. Makes total sense. You have a special way with children. When they burn his body, make sure to save dousing dad’s genitals with gasoline for her. It’s also the right thing to do.
Blonde girl keeps singing Tom Waits songs. Hope she covers “Xmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis” next.
Farmer is so smug, thinks he’s got all the answers. As if everyone’s stunted dialogue wasn’t enough.
Where the hell are Governor and Andrea? Their unique level of awfulness is what made this show tolerable. Now it’s just mid-grade and boring.
That pig slaughter scene was truly awful in a way a dumb, lazy show includes to be intentionally provocative. I’d save those pigs and go vegan to slaughter every single human on this show and end it once and for all.
Thank you.
TSW
Remember, the writers of this show are INCREDIBLY lazy: So the person feeding the rats is the same person engaging in chemical warfare AND is the same person who’s a plant for The Governor.
“If you think this story has a good ending, you haven’t been paying attention…”
We currently have a few cells open in our multi-blocked prison. All utilities paid for.
Our prison is a blend of bland, weepy, weak, men and women of various ages with active lifestyles – mostly farming, doomed black people (RIP T-Dog), making art, knife stabbing, and feeding rats to walkers. We are creative and art-oriented. Not 420 friendly, but 420 curious.
We are seeking a nice, creative person that can add something interesting that wants to be part of our unique household. Please be considerate and responsible have no overnight guests, and be willing to do the majority of their drinking away from the prison where shelves can fall on you.
OUR PRISON RECENTLY WENT VEGAN; PLEASE ONLY VEGANS APPLY!!!!
The house has a fenced yard and is in walking distance from Woodbury