Oh fuck yeah. I spent last week lying in bed, scrubbing the spray tan off my skin with a Brillo pad, buzzcutting my blowout and drinking O’Douls and tears. I had absolutely given up on Jersey Shore being any fun to anyone anymore. “How else can you disappoint me, Jersey Shore?” I thought today as I propped my laptop on my pillow, bleary-eyed and despondent.
- Your caption here
Just then a little light shone through the blackness. That little light was coming from Snooki’s blurred-out chocha as she bent over, comically over-sized sombrero askew, spitting cigarette butts out of the liquor she hastily drank. I wiped my face with a damp cloth to see clearer. Oh my gosh, Jersey Shore, will this be the week you stumble back into the bed of my good graces after weeks of motorboating waitresses? I forgive everything! I should’ve known you’d be back the way I wanted you to be eventually! Thank God I ignored all those anonymous letters left in my dresser/inbox/sensible brain-parts saying that you were doggin’ me!
Allow me to elaborate on all the reasons this episode was fist-pumpingly awesome.
Ok, so yes, it was time to have fun again. I should mention that, after spitting wet butts on the ground, Snooki then roamed the house looking for the most comfortable occupied bed, fucked Vinny and his enormous penis, woke up with his hand on her tit, peaced out before anyone would know and then told everyone they fucked anyway. Their coital act was akin to “putting a watermelon in a pinhole“, she tells us. Hot?
It briefly looked like familiar storm clouds were going to rain on this delightful parade of classlessness. The anonymous letter Jwoww and Snooki left for Sammi was back in play. Thankfully, this non-issue rounded the bend into being so comically overblown that everyone is done with it. Sammi, in her wrongheadedness, has decided that, because no one will fess up to the letter warning her that her boyfriend is a lying bag of dirt, she has no real friends in the house except for the people least likely to have warned her in the first place: Angelina and the lying bag of dirt. Ronnie, gentleman that he is, assures Sam that he will give her all the space and time she needs. No problem, baby, I’ll be at Krush three-way kissing fat girls if you need me.
Of course, this all led to the inevitable blowup between the girls (why don’t Jenni and Snooki just admit that they’re third-graders and move on?). Punches were thrown, hair was pulled. Angelina continues to incite problems and then back away hyper-defensively; Jenni continues to threat ass-beatings and semi-deliver; Snooki continues to look like a confused leprechaun. You know the drill. All of it was worth it to see Jwoww call Sammi out in front of everyone while Ronnie sat helpless on the couch like “What the fuck?”
In between this drama, the girls managed to collectively make pasta and garlic knots. It may have taken three (or was it four?) hours of shopping and Jwoww and Snooki putting their heads together, but they got the water to boil somehow and put together something edible. On a related note, how do these people live? Do their parents cook for them every night they’re at home?
In sillier news, Vinny went to the eye doctor accompanied by comic relief Pauly D. Then Situation walked us through his hook-up ritual which involves “sniping” a girl from across the club, having her sit in his room while he carbo-loads on food, then calling a cab for her and treating it like a gesture of chivalry. It was awesome (and misogynistic and sad and SHUT UP BRAIN!).
Then Mike made out with a tranny and Pauly made out with Angelina. What could be better than Situation’s hangdog face as he attempted to reinflate his ego for the camera? Sometimes every good soldier steps on a landmine, Sitch. Hang in there!
Stray notes and quotes
I can’t believe how much time these people spend on the phone yet nobody uses the internet. Is this still 2002?
It’s amazing that everyone always comes together for a peaceful Sunday dinner no matter what. Cute.
“I’ll be flipping pancakes while people are punching themselves in the face”
Look, you guys don’t KNOW what Sammi has been through. She’s all upside down and inside out right now. The world makes no sense! Dogs are marrying cats, rain is falling up and Ronnie is cheating on her. You would be blown away, too, if you were that naive and non-functioning.
Yes! This totally turned things around for me, too.
I don’t think they’re allowed on the internet! Note how JWOW / Snooki had to “find a cyber cafe” to write their stupid note. Thinking back to season one, though, I do recall Pauly using a laptop to practice his leet DJ skillz…but again, never again have I seen a computer.
And you know these fuckers would all be glued to their smartphones all day if that sort of thing were allowed. So a non-duckphone / -boxphone ban must be in their contracts.
Well summarized, Dave. Oh, apologies. A hearty hello to you! We have a third this week, I see. Welcome, CH. Dave and I are not used to company.
I hastily scratched notes in the dark as I watched the other night, and in lieu of any coherent commentary, I’ll just type what I had scribbled down:
-Did Snooki just say “Shalom!” before taking a shot?
-The Sitch is wearing super tight, short-short boxer briefs in bed. Kinda gay? or just odd.
-JWoww assesses Sammie wisely but can’t recognize how obviously she ain’t mannin’ up about the note.
-Jwoww’s nasty temper is used to cover for her deceit
-Sitch and the tranny-did he really not know or suspend his disbelief?
-JWoww is made up of a third silicone, one-third diner waitress and one third juvenile, drunken frat boy with all parts trapped in a rapidly aging 28 year old female body.
-JWoww called Sammi “Jersey Trash.” Makes me wonder what the word “trash” means anymore, if it means anything at all.
-Vinnie is great. MTV or someone should give him his own show. Lots of potential there. I could be his agent?
Oh man, tsw, I forgot about “Shalom”! That was a classic moment.
I completely agree with your breakdown of Jwoww. I think her breast implants are filled with pure vinegar.