- Courtesy of TVGuide.com
- I never mention this moment in the recap, but it happened.
Hey Rose-heads! Tonight I watched the Democratic Town Hall where three smart and compassionate leaders made their case to be the next president of United States. Each candidate talked about real issues: foreign policy, inequality, social justice, climate change. It left me with the smallest sliver of hope for our collective future.
Then I turned the channel to The Bachelor. What I felt after that can only be described by an image:
Anyway, catch up on last week’s recap here: Click to admit that America’s greatest days are behind us.
The episode starts and we get our preview of things to come: A week in Las Vegas, and Olivia’s dominance will be shaken.
Full recap after you JUMP>>>
AT THE MANSION: Olivia is feeling great about her relationship with Ben. Chris enters with the week’s proclamations. He explains that Ben is no longer in Los Angeles. He’s moved on to the marriage capital of the world: Las Vegas. The girls are surprised. I am not. They already told us in the preview. Fun fact: When the audience knows something the characters don’t, that’s called “Dramatic Irony.”
The Twins are from Vegas and they’re very excited. They hope to show Ben around. Yeah, like Ben really wants to see the mall you hang out at, as if.
Ben says to the camera: Vegas is a place that people do find love. If by “love” he means “fliers for prostitutes“, then yes. “Love” is everywhere in Vegas.
As the ladies get settled into their hotel suite, a DATE CARD appears: JoJo scores a 1-on-1 date. Olivia is pretending to be cool about the fact that Ben has to/gets to date other women. But it’s obvious that she’s NOT cool with it. She says, “Ben is my peace. I’m Zen with Ben.” No one rhymes like that if they’re comfortable in their own skin. Trust me, that’s how I tell who’s a human and who’s a body-snatching alien. Watch yourself, Kanye West.
- Courtesy of @bachelorABC
- I came here to do two things: find love, and chew bubble gum. And I’m all out of bubble gum.
We get a quirky aside with the Twins who are running on a treadmill together. The same treadmill. They do everything together, get it? I think this whole twin thing has to come to an end, it hasn’t yielded much entertainment, and they both can’t run on the treadmill that is Ben’s heart.
JoJo’s 1-on-1: Their date starts in a rooftop parking lot with champagne. That’s my kind of date, drinking in a parking lot—except I’m usually drinking moonshine and the parking lot is underground. Anyway, of course a helicopter arrives, because Ben only has two moves. The wind from the rotors knocks over their table and champagne in a genuinely funny moment. Jojo and Ben duck behind the table like soldiers going for cover, but instead of returning fire they start making out. The other contestants watch all this from the hotel window, awkwardly. Olivia is especially bothered by seeing Ben kiss another woman.
“How’s my hair look?” – JoJo 🚁 #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/f4gBSOBwhQ
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 26, 2016
- Ben really needs a new move.
Ben and JoJo get into the helicopter and keep making out as they fly over Sin City.
Back at the hotel—DATE CARD 2: Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B, Amber, Emily (Twin 1), Haley (Twin 2), Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel, and Olivia are picked for a group date. “Show me what you got,” the card says.
Back at the 1-on-1: JoJo and Ben are in the evening portion of their date. JoJo goes into her past, talking about her ex. He cheated on her, or wouldn’t commit and kept dating other girls, or something. She’s never gotten over her insecurity. Ben says, “I’m sorry that had to be a part of the past.”
Hold on. Let me break that down. “I’m sorry that had to be a part of the past.” Holy shit, that is an amazing sentence. Useful for acknowledging that something bad happened, but that you don’t connect to it emotionally at all. Try it out next time your co-worker tells you about a nightmare they had, or when you learn about the Dust Bowl era.
Anyway, Ben rewards JoJo’s openness with a date rose. They go up to the roof to look at the skyline—then FIREWORKS. Which I guess is romantic, but let’s be honest, fireworks are boring. We have the internet now. Every time I see a firework I think, “Yeah, I could be watching Japanese game shows.” The other women see the fireworks from across the city and are driven mad with jealousy, knowing that Ben is out there with his strong arms around another woman.
GROUP DATE: The ladies are brought to a theater where Ben is waiting. Ben always looks hot, but today he looks exceptionally hot. Ben wants a woman who doesn’t take herself too seriously. Inside the theater, they’re greeted by a ventriloquist named Terry Fator who challenges the girls to a talent competition.
The Twins thank their mother for forcing them to take Irish tap dance classes. The other girls are less sure of their talents. They goof around with props for a while, trying to figure out what they’re going to do. Oliva is oozing confidence. The other girls think Olivia has a secret plan. Soon, Terry drops a bomb that they are going to be his opening act in front of a live audience.
Olivia is in a vegas showgirl costume, and it quickly becomes obvious that she has no secret plan. Her plan is to do a dance, and there’s every reason to believe she’s going to bomb. The cracks are showing, Olivia. Ben might not see through your false bravado, but I do.
LET THE SHOW BEGIN.
The twins say, “In it to twin it!” and start things off with a “Lord of the Dance” routine. Their act falls a little Flatley. Get it? Flatley? These are the jokes, folks. The other girls follow with juggling, clowning on a pogo stick, tennis trick shots, cello playing, belly dancing.
Olivia comes out of a giant cake, stumbles out of it like a baby deer learning how to walk. She tries to ham it up for laughs, doing goofy dance moves, but she’s a little too self-conscious to pull it off. The whole thing feels phoned in. Like how in high school I improvised a speech about how we should defund NASA so they won’t accidentally discover time travel and unravel reality for my contemporary world issues class. Except I got a B-, Olivia got an F.
After the show, the other girls are proud of themselves. Olivia breaks down into a panic attack. She’s mortified.
Later that evening Caila and Ben go off together, and she pounces on Ben with a passionate kiss. He calls her a “sex panther.” Good line, Ben. Sixty percent of the time you quote Anchorman, it works every time. Because who needs a sense of humor when you can just regurgitate one-liners?
Meanwhile, Olivia’s confidence continues to erode and we learn that the other women don’t like her. Olivia pulls Ben aside to explain herself, but it reads as excuses to Ben and he placates her insecurities. One of the twins interrupts them. Olivia comes away from it feeling scared, chewing on her fingers, trying to figure out what she did wrong, and what just happened; which is something I do whenever I ponder the cosmos.
Lauren B. is terrified because she’s falling in love with Ben. Which is something a lot of the women say on this show. I don’t get it. Is terror something most people feel when they fall in love? I thought terror is something you feel when you are trapped in love, married for 10-plus years. Ben gives the date rose to Lauren B.
DATE CARD 2: The morning After the group date a giant box arrives for Becca. The card says “get dressed, it’s a big day” Inside the box is a WEDDING DRESS (OMG). Jubilee says Becca is the perfect person to wear white, since she’s still a virgin. Holy shit, that’s right.
- Courtesy of @bachelorABC
- Fair.
The date starts and Becca is driven to a vegas chapel in a pink Cadillac. Ben is there in a tux. He gets down on one knee (OMG) and asks Becca if she’ll marry… other people with him. Ben reveals that he got ordained online and they’re going to perform some marriages. FYI I am also ordained online so if you need anyone to perform your wedding, HMU.
What follows is a ceremony between a guy named Travis, and a gal name Leah. This is the most authentic display of love ever broadcast on this show. Congrats you two.
That night, Ben takes Becca to the Neon Museum where old Vegas signs are refurbished. Becca was one of the final two women in the prior season of The Bachelor, and she tells Ben that she feels so much more strongly than she did at this point last time. They talk about her virginity and how that relates to her faith and her sense of commitment. Ben is attracted to commitment. They kiss. My wife says, “So they can kiss? But just…not… wiener kiss….” and does a hand gesture that looks a little bit like sex, but also nothing like sex at all. Ben gives Becca the date rose.
“SURPRISE” 2-on-1: The next morning Chris enters and tell the women that Ben wants a special 2-on-1 date with the Twins who, again, are from Vegas. Time for Ben to learn how to tell them apart!
The Twins bring Ben to their mom’s house. Ben sits with the Twins’ mom to get her perspective. Emily is the outgoing one. Haley is the shy, but loyal one. Ben decides to cut Haley loose and keep Emily, which is nice of him to do while they’re already at their house. Saves ABC the airfare. Ben is nothing if not a company man.
Next up is the COCKTAIL PARTY. Ben is immediately snagged by Jennifer, beating Oliva to the punch. We don’t really know Jennifer that much—and we won’t get a chance to, because SURPRISE Olivia comes to interrupt anyway. The other girls are starting to get fed up with this routine.
Olivia uses her time to try and patch things up with Ben. Ben tells her not to apologize, but it seems like something might still be off. The cocktail party is otherwise drama free. So it’s time for the…
ROSE CEREMONY: Lauren B., Becca, JoJo are all safe. Amanda, Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily (twin only), Caila, Jennifer, and Leah are given roses.
Between each rose, the camera keeps cutting back to Olivia thinking she’s got this in the bag. It borders on hubris. Is Olivia being built up only to fall? Can life be that sweet? Can it? Shhh, can it. It’s time for the final rose.
It comes down to: Olivia, Amber, and Rachel….
Olivia gets the final rose. That’s insane. Amber deserves better. This is the second Bachelor that’s cut her loose. When will she find love?
Next week: Mexico, fashion shows, Spanish lessons, Jubilee breaks down… and the girls turn on Olivia? Yes, please!