Good morning, True Detective fans! Did you watch last night’s episode? If so, you may agree that this show is now 100 percent UNINTENTIONALLY HILARIOUS. And therefore? I LOVE IT! Check out my spoiler-filled recap after the jump, and as always, I adore your opinions as well. So let’s get CHITTY-CHATTING!
- Courtesy HBO
- “I thought hanging my cutting board on my kitchen wall would save space… BUT….”
MORE AFTER THE JUMP!
And now, True Detective episode six, “Church in Ruins”—brought to you by MOLLY™ BREATH FRESHENER… when you want the freshness and the party to last all… night… long!
1) The first thing we learned from this episode? If someone is sitting across from you in the kitchen, with one hand on the table and another under the table? There’s an 80 percent chance that person is either holding a gun, or masturbating. Neither works for me.
1a) But don’t worry, because Frankie McGoombah was hiding a gun, too! (In one of his eyebags.) Ray would’ve hidden his in his mustache if he hadn’t been so fucking stupid and shaved it off. ANYWAY! Ray’s all mad because Frank gave him the wrong rapist’s name (oopsy) which forced him to kill the wrong guy, and in turn “ruined his life.” But Frank’s like, “I didn’t force you to kill that guy! I gave you the name of the guy I thought brutally raped your wife—why would I assume you’d kill him??” Ray accepts this logic, and Frank promises to hand over the goombah who gave him the wrong information. Then the two hug it out. (Hey, is that a gun in your eyebag or are you just happy to see me?)
2) Ray then goes to visit the real rapist in prison, and threatens him with a cheese grater. The rapist is disquieted by this information, primarily because he’s not a block of parmesan cheese.
3) Ray then visits with his son (and the state-required babysitter) and after agreeing not to build any more models of relics from the Bush administration, they settle on watching Friends on TV. (In particular, “The One Where Ray Maybe Tells His Son to Cut Back a Little on the Pizza.”)
4) Apparently that was NOT one of the better Friends episodes, because later Ray buys a bottle of booze and a mountain of coke, and goes on a wicked bender where he dances around to rock music like my Uncle Woody at our last family reunion. (Cut it out, Woody! You’re embarrassing meeeeeee!) Figuring he’d blown his chance at a clean UA, Ray calls his ex-wife and says, “Honey, I’m giving up the custody fight, just don’t tell my son his real dad is a block of parmesan cheese… I mean, rapist.” And she’s like, “Okay!”
5) UGH! ENOUGH ABOUT RAY! Meanwhile hunky (and wicked gay) Ponchy McCHiPs discovers that the missing diamonds are part of an old-time jewel heist. I don’t remember what this has to do with anything. Meanwhile Frankie tracks down Irina Ruffo, who apparently pawned off Caspere the Dead Pervert’s belongings… maybe the missing hard drive? If not, I don’t remember what this has to do with anything. Then Ani decides she’s gonna attend one of those fancy sex parties for rich horndogs. And I’m sorry to say I don’t remember what this has to do with anything either. I would blame it on my night-drinking, but I seem to be able to follow the plot of Friends just fine.
6) OH! But did you see that scene when Ani was talking to her webcam sister? For the entire convo, she’s jabbing a knife into a man-shaped cutting board. (No wonder she has trouble getting dates!) When sis scolds her for not listening, Ani says, “(Stab, stab, stab) You interrupted my workout (stab, stab, stab).” That’s true… on Wednesdays she does knives, and on Fridays she does Jazzercize.
7) So Ani goes to the fancy sex party dressed like my Aunt Irene (that’s Woody’s wife), where she’s instructed to take a hit of MOLLY™ brand breath freshener… which another escort says will help the party last all… night… long! (Ohhhh, so THAT’S where they got that catch-phrase.) Anyway, Ani is such a fucking grumpy-dump she can’t even enjoy Molly. (WHAT IS HER PROBLEM? If Miley Cyrus loves it, then why can’t she??) She wanders around the house flashing back to being sexually assaulted by a gross hippie at her dad’s commune, and is about to be forced to have sex with someone who looks like Warren Buffett when she sees… Vera the missing person she’s been looking for, but who I don’t really remember either! (I should really pay more attention.)
8) Meanwhile Ray and Ponchy McCHiPs are sneaking around the sex mansion, and steal a bunch of incriminating papers. They’re nearly discovered by a guard, but Ray punches the dude in the face 67 times and then goes to work on his penis with a cheese grater. What is it with this guy and cheese graters?!?
9) Ani beats up Warren Buffett, but is stopped by a guard who pins her to the wall. She whips out a knife she stole from the buffet and zip, zip, zip! The guard is all like, “Waitasecond… why is my body falling off in hunks like in one of those old Daffy Duck cartoons?” and Ani escapes with Vera, Ponchy, and Ray (with his mustache driving the getaway car).
10) Ponchy looks at the paperwork he stole, and is like, “Heyyyyy… these pieces of paper have important signatures all over them!” THAT WAS THE GUY’S 1997 1040 FORMS, IDIOT. Ugggh! They are NEVER going to solve this case!!
11) Okay, so now that I’ve figured out that this show is unintentionally hilarious, I officially LOVE IT. I love Ani’s unexplained knife and man-shaped cutting board obsession, Ray’s cheese grater obsession, and Ponchy’s barely sublimated man-meat obsession (which I also share). Therefore, this was a good episode. (Though not as good as the Friends episode where Ross finally kisses Rachel.) It was also the first episode to NOT feature America’s most despised and depressing folk singer who would never be hired at any bar anywhere EVER. Yay! Anyway… WHAT DID YOU THINK? Continue our chitty-chat in the comments below, and I’ll see you next week!
- Courtesy HBO
- “MOLLY™ brand Breath Freshener: Well, Most People Have No Problem with It.”
This show is indeed unintentionally hilarious in a “why am I still watching this? Oh yeah because of how the plot is somehow at the same time overly convoluted and ridiculously shallow and how they keep dropping in Big. Important. Events. that then never get mentioned again” kind of way.
That said, “Don’t you fucking shoot me, Raymond” was Vince Vaughn’s best line to date.
The orgy was lame and rushed (like everything else on the show), and it was all straightforward old-dudes-banging-escorts. Nothing weird, occult or twisted like the show has promised since before the season started.
Signatures! On contracts! Where oh where will we possibly land in the final two episodes?!
“the plot is somehow at the same time overly convoluted and ridiculously shallow”
That about says it all. And that I don’t need to hear any more conversations between Frank and his wife over the. exact. same. things.
I still love you, True Detective.
That part in the middle of Ray’s pre-ex-wife calling coke/booze binge where he was just vibing on a New York Dolls song super hard was a pretty good moment.
& I liked that there was almost nothing accomplished by putting Rachel McAdams in that super scary/sexy? sex situation because Mustache and Smooth Cop found the bad guys and their bad papers by looking through windows.
Could this be commentary by Nic Pizzolatto on all the dumb orgies he had to go to to get this TV series off the ground? Certainly.
Who knew that molly was such a potent hallucinogen / memory retrieval serum? I didn’t, and that’s the kind of insight I’ll miss when this show is discontinued. Also, I’ll miss priceless homages to terrible movies, such as last night’s soundtrack-and-all remake of the mansion scene from The Dirty Dozen, featuring Rachel McAdams as Lee Marvin, Colin Farrell as Jim Brown, Friday Night Lights as, oh, let’s say Charles Bronson, and exposition-speaking business guys as the Nazis. Most of all I’ll miss the adorable conceit that, somehow, in a megapolis of 20 million+ people, an investigation of events spanning decades continues to blunder across the same ~25 people over and over.
If Molly breath freshener was really a thing, would the anedote really be bulemia?
I have the same Fat Russian Goon Stab-board in my kitchen cuz, like the NFA (that’s THE National Knife Association) always says, “You always ever don’t know.”
“I don’t remember what this has to do with anything.”
Every third thought watching this show.
The rest of the time I imagine I’m a Zucker brother trying to punch-up a Chinatown parody and it really makes things fun. EVERY SCENE has potential.
Like when hot cop says ‘THERE”S SIGNATURES ALL OVER THESE CONTRACTS” cut to the papers with a bunch of dicks drawn all over them.
Or give Ray a trying-on-silly-outfits montage in the middle of his coke/booze binge.
Give David Schwimmer a walk-on as Ray and his son’s pizza deliver guy.
Oh, and that Ray. Bet no one told him his life was gonna be this way. His job’s a joke, he’s broke, his love life is DOA. It’s like he’s always stuck in second gear. It really hasn’t been his day, his week, his month or even his year. For real.