1 Billion B.C. Cavemen raid beehives, gorging themselves on honey. Scientists believe resulting “sugar rush” enabled early man to enslave, domesticate, and then systematically murder all dinosaurs.
0 B.C. Christ gets frankincense and myrrh for birthday, which are not edible, and not what he specifically asked for (candy). 32 years later, he dies–allowing Cadbury Eggs to show up every year on date of death. Thanks, Christ!
1519 “Cacau” (or, as civilized civilizations spell it, “Nestlé Qwik”) discovered in Mexico.
1800s Cheap-ass American entrepreneurs discover sweet beet juice is cheaper than sugar, paving way for candy to be enjoyed by the masses–before, only rich bastards like fat asshole Henry VIII could enjoy candy.
1873 Magical candy-making creatures Oompa Loompas discovered in heretofore impenetrable region of the Congo. Immediately killed by white explorers for sport.
1900 Milton Hershey makes first Hershey’s Chocolate Bar. Worldwide acceptance follows, though he still gets shit beat out of him on near-daily basis for being named “Milton.”
1904 Tennessee candy makers William Morrison and John C. Wharton introduce “Fairy Floss” to St. Louis World’s Fair. Sick of defending their heterosexuality, they change name to “cotton candy.”
1940 M&Ms invented, reportedly to allow WWII troops candy that didn’t gum up trigger fingers–allowing them to kill as many goddamn Nazis as possible.
1941-1979 Nothing that interesting happens.
1980 Bill Murray’s immortal “Groundskeeper Carl” tosses fecal-like Baby Ruth candy bar into the heavily populated swimming pool in Caddyshack.
2004 Mercury‘s candy issue causes 98% of Portlanders to simultaneously develop lethal cases of diabetes.
