Credit: Photo by David Reamer

THE BRITISH-THEMED “gastro pub” Fats is the newest in Micah Camden’s Northeast Portland dining cluster, which also includes the Japanese-inspired Yakuza and the Italian-influenced DOC. The addition of Fats will tempt some to call the restaurants an empire, but like once mighty Britannia, Camden may have overextended. Whether it’s a lack of focus or a lack of management, Fats’ delicious food suffers beneath a chaotic dining experience.

If Doctor Who built a pub in the TARDIS I suspect it’d look something like Fats. Two walls of windows effectively mimic the doors of the Doctor’s time-traveling police box. Another wall, sporting a row of alternating black-and-white telephones, is reflected in a back mirror, giving the effect of an interior space larger than the exterior.

The menu brims with comforting British favorites. Think satisfyingly warm and savory Welsh rarebit—a thick layer of melted cheddar over toast—or a smashing shepherd’s pie with rustic mashed potatoes above hearty and tangy lamb stew.

The options are good, with few exceptions. A Scotch egg defies the traditional British version, sporting a soft yolk in the fried, sausage-wrapped egg. The yolk enhances the morsel, which arrives on the plate with a dollop of mild mustard and a dill-flecked microgreens salad. The effect is a hopped-up deviled egg with a brawler’s attitude.

A plate of poutine (not actually British) thrills with crisp fries, a zippy gravy, and fine soft cheese curd, topped with a poached egg. Sharing with friends may reduce the guilt of eating the fatty mélange, if you can manage to keep from fighting over each forkful.

Chicken tikka massala (“the national dish of England” according to the menu) is brighter than similar traditional Indian dishes I’ve had, with heavy citrus in the curry and additional heat from sliced jalapeños. It’s a small dish, but worth it.

Other dishes have minor flaws. The fish and chips are bland and under-salted; the batter on the filet is crisp on the outside but mealy and soft closer to the meat. The malt vinegar spray bottle is a nice touch, as is the fiery ketchup; the tartar sauce, though, has an odd, overpowering cinnamon/cardamom flavor.

The bangers and mash are decent. Flavorful mash is studded with potato chunks, but has an unfortunate gluey texture. Guinness gravy and the freshness of the sausage, however, save the dish.

I’d like to report on Fats’ brunch, but the day I showed up to review it, after traveling across the city with friends, a note on the door proclaimed the place closed for the day. An inquiry as to why drew the response, “We couldn’t get some stuff delivered”—or drive to the New Seasons several blocks away, apparently. I would’ve returned the next day, but frankly, the brunch episode was the last in a series of chaotic dining experiences, and I was fed up with the place.

My first evening at Fats found a perfectly delightful meal ending with a man, presumably Micah Camden, coming through the front door and loudly scolding his kitchen staff for the smell of burnt toast as he stalked across the restaurant. While it wasn’t a Gordon Ramsay tirade, it was nonetheless unpleasant.

Another evening, service was so bad it was comical. After giving us menus, our server promptly ignored us for a while before returning to take our dinner orders. We had to remind him we might want drinks, this being a pub and all. One beer arrived in a ludicrously sticky pint glass. Another didn’t arrive at all. Our server greeted this revelation with a grunt, and returned sometime later to find out what the original beer order had been.

Perhaps in keeping with the Doctor Who theme, our meal seemed to have been expedited through a time machine, with mains and starters arriving together well before other appetizers, and multiple courses for one diner arriving all at once. Our server was no help, because we’d just watched him leave the restaurant with no word to us. His flummoxed coworker’s query as to whether we wanted dessert brought to our table—a table already covered with slowly cooling plates—was greeted with uncontrollable laughter.

Additionally, we weren’t told until well into the meal that the kitchen was out of certain items, and empty water glasses were ignored.

I might have been willing to chalk it up to a couple bad nights, until I found the place closed when it should’ve been open for brunch. Luckily, it’s easy to find a place for brunch beyond the Camden Empire. A short drive and I found a delightful smoked salmon hash at Helser’s on Alberta. The service was great, and no one was scolded.

While Fats has very good food, and a killer dinner deal with four courses for $35, the chaos in the dining room needs to be tamed. It would do well if the place were injected with a bit of that English dignity the isles have always been known for… even after the Empire’s fall.

Fats

2930 NE Killingsworth 206-8261 Options $7-16

17 replies on “English Muff-Up”

  1. I would have to agree. I have been in to Fats several times an have to say I love the food, but he service has been a bit spotty. The food, for the money can’t be beat. The space is amazing, the Dr. Who reference is classic. Hopefully the service can be chalked up to growing pains and they can get it corrected. Then again if that were the case they might be so packed I would’nt get my favorite spot at the bar…hmmmm

  2. I have received word from Micah Camden that the restaurant was closed for brunch on Saturday because he and principle employees were attending a memorial service. Given the personal reasons for the closure, I understand how someone would be reluctant to be forthright. Had we been given some indication as to the actual reason for the closure, I would have returned for brunch the following day. However, this was not the explanation we were given. I offer my condolences to Camden and his family.

  3. The phrase (not actually British) means there might actually be hope. Last time I checked England is not renowned for it’s cuisine worldwide.
    signed
    Bubbles and Squeak
    Bad Chicklets
    The Spice Girls
    and Dudes with shaved domes and funny accents
    Ah, British culture

  4. The Scotch eggs are indeed very good at Fats. I should point out however that the dish comes from Scotland which does not make them British which is once again an independent country as much as the English may wish otherwise. Nonetheless they are popular not only in Britain, Scotland, Ireland and Wales but even parts of Africa(doubtless a remnant of the British influence there)-just some useless facts for all to ponder

  5. Actually, foods from Scotland are considered British, as they are part of the isle of Great Britain. What they are NOT is English, which would be considered a serious insult.

  6. I think Micah Camden made up an excuse about the memorial service…just guessing because I live around the corner and both Yakuza and Fats are randomly closed all the time. I’ve tried to go to Fats twice and found it closed unexpectedly, sometimes there is a sign but usually not.

    Also, the comments about him yelling at staff sound right on to me–I once walked in to Yakuza on a Friday around 5pm and asked if I could get takeout and was informed by the polite bartender that “we don’t to takeout on weekends, we’re too busy and the kitchen can’t handle it.”

    There was only one two-top in the whole place, so I asked if they might consider making an exception. He said he’d ask and walked into the back where I heard Micah scream (I mean really scream) at him for about 30 seconds about policy and rules and not questioning him. The bartender returned and sheepishly apologized for the scene and we left.

    I think Micah knows how to make some pretty good food, but has no idea how to run a restaurant or treat staff and customers.

  12. @The Showstopper,
    Perhaps you’d like to do a little research before making stupid comments.

    Scotland is indeed British. As is England.

    Wales on the other hand, does not exist. Prove me wrong.

  13. According to the English you’re both right. Unfortunately according to everyone else you’re wrong. Find me an actual Scottish or Irish person that calls themselves British. I still laugh at the pomposity, arrogance and jingoism of the English-your relevance to the world is mostly gone,your colonies gone ,your empire vanished. Now you have a legacy of horrendous political mistakes, colonialism ,a decaying economy and use the US as a crutch. Stay in yer lane you limey wankers and quit moving here!
    PS-your not all bad-Doctor who is a good show and Elizabeth Hurley is still hot. Just quit thinking the British Empire still exists and you’re still relevant-Erin go braugh!
    signed
    Ye merry Olde Englande

  14. I also don’t believe the memorial service claim. I tried to eat at Fats for months but they were always closed, then when they were open the guy who was working there refused to give us menus. He wouldn’t even hint at what we might order while the menus were being prepared.

    I don’t know how Micah Camden got so much credibility after the Cobras and Matadors disaster. But I’m not going to eat somewhere where I am treated rudely. I’m surprised I would even have to say that.

    Beyond that, a craving for brit food rarely hits me.

    Helser’s does a nice job with their Scotch eggs.

  16. Why do Americans have such a hard time wrapping their tiny minds around the concept of other cultures?? Yes Wales does exist, and yes people from Britain do consider themselves British. And where did you get the idea that we still think the British empire exists?? Insular prick!

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