It’s a skittish moment in history: the economy is in the toilet, jobs are scarce, and the days are short and filled with rain. Yet, we have collectively witnessed an enormous change; a dim light glowing on the horizon, growing stronger. However, until that brighter day dawns, it’s up to us to find comfort in one another, to drink (excessively), to share laughter, good food, good drugs, and good music. We must pass these long nights in collective mirth. In short, it’s time to throw a fucking party!

I’m not talking about having some friends over to kill the fifth of whiskey that’s been languishing under your sink (though there’s nothing wrong with that). No, I’m talking about the vaunted fête. I’m talking about the kind of shindig where you show your friends how much you love them, by allowing them to eat at your table and use a real glass. I’m talking about planning a menu, making a punch, and entertaining.

Yes, entertaining. It’s time we pry that lost art from the cold bony hands of Martha Stewart and apply our own special spin. Entertaining doesn’t necessarily have to be filled with rules and etiquette. In fact, we at the Mercury believe entertaining guests is best done in the warm glow of inebriation.

In the following pages, you will find tips, recipes, and resources to help you launch into this new era of the party. We offer you the wisdom of experts, local celebrity chefs, drunks, and cult figures. Hell, the cover of this week’s issue is even designed to be a party placemat (laminate it and use a dry erase marker to write in the name of your guest. Ta da!). And you thought we were only useful for keeping hobos warm.

You don’t need an excuse. It’s time to send out the invitations. Just make sure to send one to us!

THE OCCASION

The occasion can be anything, really. For instance, Thursday, November 13, is the night of the Beaver Moon. If that doesn’t say pant-less potluck, I’m not sure what would. The key here is to be creative. Go ahead, pick a day, any day.

THE INVITATION

Advance notice is the key to getting peeps to your party—usually with some kind of physical reminder. A well-scrawled, hand-folded card is fine, and so is a flyer. You can go further of course. The sky’s the limit—just stop short of shaving your invitation into the pelt of their pet. But please, no Evites. Yeah they’re convenient, but also deeply annoying. Put some effort into it.

PARTY PREP

Look around your place and think about where people are going to congregate. Maybe clear an area for dancing. If you wanted to, you could even pick the place up a little. If you’re really into it, you could decorate. But don’t go crazy. This is a party for adults, so don’t make it look like a 10-year-old’s birthday party. Unless that’s your theme… you freak.

PLAN A MENU

Seriously. Your friends will appreciate the effort you put into this. Yeah, it’s challenging, but if you prepare ahead, you won’t have to be in the kitchen while your guests are drinking all your booze. See Party Like A chef for recipes from local chefs.

SET THE TABLE

Again, this is what sets entertaining apart from plain old partying. Don’t worry if your dishes and silverware don’t match, or if your glasses aren’t cut crystal. Your guests will probably be happy you didn’t just roll out the trough or hand them paper plates. Don’t have enough dishware? Goodwill and Value Village have a ton of dishes for dirt cheap.

PICK THE MUSIC

Set up a playlist or pull a few records or CDs before the party. Music is what moves the masses, sets the tone of your shindig, and is a great way to keep things moving with little effort. Think about the arc of the party and plan accordingly.

Now you’re ready to go. Dim the lights, drop the needle, pour a cocktail, and take a deep breath. It’s magic time.

Everyday Music, 1931 NE Sandy, 239-7610; 1313 W Burnside, 274-0961