Are You a Bad Correspondent?
Are you listless, irritable and chronically guilt-ridden? Do you start letters in your head but never seem to sit down to write them? Does your annual holiday card to your family begin, “Remember me?” You may be a bad correspondent! At the Self-Hell Institute in Helsinki, we have a whole wing dedicated to the study and care of bad correspondents. This research has led to the following treatment–a letter that even the worst correspondent can quickly personalize for any situation. Recovery is within reach! Just check the appropriate boxes, clip and mail. It’s that simple!
Dear [ [] Parent, [] Friend, [] Lover, [] Congress Person, [] Other]:
I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately and just wanted to write to [ []
say hi, [] ask for money]. How are you? I haven’t seen you since [ [] Columbus
Day, [] Hyannis Port, [] tenth grade, [] this morning]. It seems like forever.
You’ll be [ [] pleased, [] sorry] to know that I am [ [] doing just great,
[] devastated]. I recently got [ [] a raise, [] herpes, [] out of rehab], and
I have been spending a lot of time doing [ [] work around the house, [] push-ups,
[] court-ordered community service]. I am hoping to finish [ [] my screenplay,
[] the divorce proceedings, [] that book you got me] by fall. Then I’m planning
to spend a few months [ [] hitchhiking across the country, [] taking business
courses at the junior college, [] torching SUV dealerships].
Anyway, let’s make a better effort to keep in touch! A personal letter is
such a treat. I apologize for [ [] not calling more often, [] breaking up with
you this way]. See you [ [] tonight, [] soon I hope, [] in hell]!
Give my love to everyone.
[] Sincerely,
[] Love,
[] Regretfully,
[] your son/daughter
[] your friend
[] a constituent
[] anonymous