As host, it’s your job to be awesome and to have everyone you meet immediately know you’re awesome. That might mean bending the truth. Never fear! We’ll help you navigate all those awkward questions that mark the pre-inebriated portion of your party. It’s all about spin. It’s time to practice the art of small talk.
THEY ASK: What do you do?
YOUR REAL ANSWER: I do nothing. I was laid off from my shitty job as a copywriter six months ago. I collect unemployment, look for jobs on Craigslist, watch episodes of Mad Men on the internet with Japanese subtitles, and comment on celeb gossip blogs. This party maxed out my last credit card. Cheers!
EDITED VERSION: I am a copywriter, though right now I’m really working on launching my freelance career. I’m doing some blog work. It’s really promising.
THEY ASK: Are you seeing anyone?
YOUR REAL ANSWER: I’ve been in a four-month non-relationship that consists of no real emotional investment on his part and tons of anguishing obsession on mine. My friends are all about to dump me for being such an idiot, but an empty bed at night scares me.
EDITED VERSION: A therapist! But seriously, no, no I’m not.
Talking about yourself only gets you so far; you also need to connect with people on a common ground. That common ground should be TV. Help your guests get comfortable by letting them feel they are making valuable cultural choices! You may be a fan of fine one-hour dramas (ahem, Gossip Girl, ahem), but with our handy guide you’ll jive with fans no matter what their televisual poison.
YOU ASK: What TV shows do you watch?
THEY SAY: Mad Men.
YOU SAY: Watching that show sort of makes me just want to smoke and drink all the time. I mean, more than usual.
THEY SAY: Gossip Girl.
YOU SAY: I can’t decide if Serena and Dan are the new Jim and Pam or the new Ross and Rachel.
THEY SAY: America’s Next Top Model.
YOU SAY: God, Tyra is so fierce. And so stupid. Love her.
THEY SAY: Battlestar Galactica.
YOU SAY: Just how sensitive are these DRADIS contacts anyway? You can’t tell me that Tigh and Adama wouldn’t have noticed Baltar’s hallucinations of Caprica Six! I mean, really. What the frak.
THEY SAY: Um, I don’t watch TV. I have actual hobbies.
YOU SAY: I know, I only watch it to bond with my roommate, really. I much prefer spending my free time creating things with my hands: making candles, knitting sweaters, molding little tiny animals out of clay. These are the activities I really cherish.
OR SAY: Nothing. Walk away. Who wants to talk to someone who doesn’t watch TV?
YOU ASK: Are you reading any good books right now?
THEY SAY: Oh, God, yes. The World Is Flat, by Thomas Friedman, The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein, and, of course, I’m rereading President-Elect Obama’s Dreams of My Father and The Audacity of Hope.
YOU SAY: Oh really? You are so intellectual. I read all of those books last year. The new Friedman is good, too. I’m sure you’ll like it.
THEY SAY: You know, I would love to read more, but I just don’t have time right now. Right now it’s podcasts for me: Fresh Air for my authors and This American Life for my stories.
YOU SAY: I can’t decide if I have a bigger crush on Ira Glass or Terry Gross.
Of course, you’ll sound intelligent at first, but if you have no idea what to say next, best to just bullshit or change the subject. But, if you’re totally in the dark about pop culture, it might be time to hit the mags. A quick read of US Weekly and New York Magazine should be enough to get you through. And, of course, don’t forget to pick up the latest issue of the Mercury, found wherever fine, free papers are sold.
RESOURCES
Powell’s is a great place to get with it. Browse the new releases so you can sound book smart, and sit down with a stack of mags to get up to speed on everything from mushrooming to knitting.
Powell’s Books, 1005 W Burnside, 3723 SE Hawthorne, powells.com
With over 250 magazine titles, plus fancy cigars, Rich’s could really take your party to the next level. Not to mention they seem fine with a little loitering over recent titles.
Rich’s Cigar Store & Magazines, 820 SW Alder, 228-1700