Valentines 2024

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Mission Impossible 8: ‘Til Death Do Us Part

No, seriously. How do people make long-term relationships work?

Corbin the Crabby Cupid's Valentimes Valentines!

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“It’s Over. Check, Please!”

Portland’s Best Restaurants and Bars for Kicking Your Lover to the Curb

I Find My Love Awake

How Paul McCartney's album Ram helped heal a broken heart.

February 14 is a big date, but not for the sappy romantic reasons you may have in mind. Nay, Valentine’s Day marks the end of cuffing season, that time between Thanksgiving and this Hallmark-ass holiday where many of us can’t bear the idea of being alone with our thoughts and Hitachi magic wands. 

If the thought of spending one more week with your significant other feels worse than being in a blunt rotation with Ron DeSantis, an over-caffeinated 13-year-old boy, and Gypsy Rose Blanchard (she seems like she’d get weird after one toke—fight me), I’ve devised a list of the best places to end a relationship. 

Some of them (okay most) are designed to inflict maximum pain and discomfort, if you’re feeling petty, but I threw in a few places that offer privacy but still allow you to have the conversation in public. 

Breaking up is hard to do, but if you pick one of these places to dump ‘em, they’re not gonna want you anyway. 

Fire on the Mountain

I don’t know what it is about the idea of waiting ‘til an unsuspecting dumpee is covered in lime cilantro sauce before dropping the news, but it brings me Mr. Burns-level glee. Just imagine those tears running down, mixing with spicy Buffalo. Sports is playing, bros are doing the “look-but-don’t” thing. You’re a monster. This is perfect.

Various locations;

Slappy Cakes

I mean, how cold ass would it be to just write “IT’S OVER” on the griddle, drop your batter bottle and walk out? Your now-ex would have had to do some really messed up shit, but if this idea appeals to you, they almost certainly did.

4246 SE Belmont;

Courtesy Reel M Inn

While waiting for chicken at Reel 'Em Inn

Here’s one if you’ve been together a long time and know this is gonna take a minute: that chicken usually takes at least an hour. Order a combo, settle in with a solemn drink, and take your time telling your partner—you no longer need them. If things go really well, they’ll depart before the food arrives, leaving you with a pair of breasts you actually want.

2430 SE Division St.,

Who Song and Larry's during tableside guac prep

Someone call Nathan Fielder, because this idea, provided by Palomar chef Ricky Bella, has The Rehearsal-level awks. It’s you, your unsuspecting boo, and the poor guy making a delicious bowl of guacamole at your table. Normally, I don’t endorse roping in service people to this kind of spectacle, but make it quick, keep them out of it, tip well, and enjoy the cringe.

111 SE Columbia Way, Vancouver;

Hubers during Spanish coffee service

There’s already a dramatic flair to the serving of flaming Spanish coffee at Portland’s oldest restaurant. Once again, you may be making this weird for the server making your coffee, but they’re here to make a scene as well, right?. Warning: Be respectful while telling them you’re leaving—if your former flame throws a drink in your face here, it will be ON FIRE.

411 SW 3rd Ave.;

At Baby Ketten Karaoke, right before you take the mic to sing "No Scrubs," "Fuck You," or "Thank U, Next"

Please call me before you do this so I can watch.

2433 SE Powell St.;


I checked with owner Justin Hintze, and he agreed. If you follow Jojo’s chaotic and hilarious social media, you’ll know a big old breakup in the dining room is right on brand for them. They love mess.

902 NW 13th Ave.,

Du's Grill

Jojo’s Hintze also suggested breaking up at Du’s, as the sugary sauce will help the medicine go down. That’s sweet and all, but the reason it’s on my list is that Du’s is usually packed and there’s a line, so you know this breakup is going to be excruciating. At least you’re gonna get that chicken and beef combo to go.

5365 NE Sandy Blvd.,

Tiny Bubble Room

This one's for if you have a shred of hope of still being friends after breaking up (why tho?). This Kenton bar has a great patio ringed by tables inside shipping containers. You’ll be cozy, mostly unobserved, and yet you’re still in public if this takes a nasty turn. I also really like their jambalaya.

2025 N Lombard St.;


Like The Tiny Bubble Room, Paymaster has a lot of little nooks in which to send someone packing with dignity. As an added kindness, why don’t you leave after breaking their heart? Paymaster’s cheap drinks and packed bar means they may get over you by getting under someone else—that night.

1020 NW 17th Ave.,