Valentines 2024

HEY SEXY PERSON! It’s once again the horniest time of year—which means the annual Mercury SEX SURVEY is live, and ready for you to fill out and enjoy! What’s the sexiest thing you did in 2023? Do you use toys? What about those gas station horny pills? If you masturbate, is it a few times […]

Are you in love? In lust? In a complicated situationship that started because of a drunken and convenient New Year’s Eve kiss, but now you’re ready to take things to the next level by publicly declaring your adoration in the permanency of the worldwide web? Good news, the Mercury‘s reader Valentines are back, and they’re […]

I don’t remember ever having faith that love lasts forever. In my teen years, it became pretty clear that my parents never should’ve married, as evidenced by the fact that they had almost nothing in common and barely spoke to one another. They weren’t mad at each other, they just had nothing to talk about. […]

Scroll down, click the valentines below, print the PDF (use the two-sided feature on your printer so they’ll be back to back, and set the scale to “fit to printable area”), cut them out, and send them to someone who gives a crap. Love,  Corbin the Crabby Cupid Direct link to these valentines here!

Dear Editor, I’m excited for the opportunity to contribute to the Portland Mercury’s Valentine’s Day issue! I have a ton of incredible article ideas, and you can totally trust what I have to say, as I am something of an “expert” on love. You remember those rock trolls from Frozen? Yeah, those mossy fuckers have […]

February 14 is a big date, but not for the sappy romantic reasons you may have in mind. Nay, Valentine’s Day marks the end of cuffing season, that time between Thanksgiving and this Hallmark-ass holiday where many of us can’t bear the idea of being alone with our thoughts and Hitachi magic wands.  If the […]

There’s no reason that I should have spent so much time this past summer thinking about Paul and Linda McCartney. Or listening to Ram, the only record they created together before Wings officially took off. Ram is great—arguably the first whisper of indie-pop. It’s a record that beautifully combines thinly veiled insults aimed at John […]

Yes, YES, YES… Valentine’s Day is just another capitalistic ploy to put money in the pockets of greeting card companies, flower shops, chocolatiers, and—okay, maybe newspapers who are desperate for advertising in order to fund journalism because too many people refuse to pay for it online. HOWEVER! There is yet another inescapable fact you should […]