CHRIST, I'M BORED--Nothing is more boring than Thanksgiving day. All you can do is stuff your fat face and then stand around in pleated pants talking to relatives you barely know. So let's go roller skating! Not only is skating funny-fun-fun, it's a hilariously healthy way to shed a couple of inches off that turkey-fat ass. WSH

Oaks Park Skating Rink, SE Spokane at the Willamette River, 236-5722, 8 pm, $4.50 including skates


BOOZE--Tired of drinking Oly Stubbies and Select Grape Soda at the Medicine Hat? If you attend this show, you'll benefit their liquor license cause. Whiskey, here we come! Plus, you can enjoy the super sounds of So Sadly Fucked, a scattered indie rock band that's not very tight, but is so completely honest in their approach to music, you've just gotta love them. JS

w/ Day Rate Cessna, The Nines, Gravity & Henry, Medicine Hat, 1834 NE Alberta, 778-7700, 9 pm, $6

SNOW--Turkey day is over, and that means it's time to hit the slopes! But "Waitasecond!" you yelp, "I ain'ts gots no moneys!!" Well, that's why night-skiing was invented! It's only 18 bucks from 3:30 till close, and free if you have the nerve to hang out in the parking lot and scam a daytimer's lift ticket. Psst! Don't forget the wire cutters! WSH

Mt. Hood Skibowl, 50 miles east of Portland on State Hwy 26 East, 272-3206, 3:30-Close, $18


FAREWELL--Make your peace with the venerable EJ's, cause it's the last show they'll ever have, and characteristically, it will ROCK YOUR fookin' SOCKS OFF. From Last of the Juanitas to 3rd and Failing, from The Bugs to the Dirty Low Downs, you should drink 10 PBRs tonight--one beer for each gloriously debauched year EJ's rocked Portland. JS

w/ Bastinado, Grease Cutter, EJ's, 2140 NE Sandy, 234-3535, 8:30 pm

MUSIC--Holy hole in a donut! I have been converted, and the guiding light goes by the name of Goddamn Gentlemen. Tune your ear knobs to the "Flabbergasted" setting as they squash reverence with a beat saxophone and mad punk rock guitars. You'll be scared for their aortic pressure, I swear. JS

w/ The Viles, The Harpys, Satyricon, 125 NW 6th Ave,243-2380, 9:30, $6


RELIGION--Attend the church, mosque and/or synagogue of your choice. Choose the wrong one, and burn in hell forever. WSH

Church, mosque, and/or synagogue of your choice, various locations, 10 am, free


SLIDESHOW--I see you... you're in need of a good laugh. If you're a little smart and a little twisted, you absolutely must see the genius performance of Beau Van Hinklywinkle, who uses found slides to illustrate his tongue-in-cheek macabre fictional stories, which he delivers in an aloof, even-keeled voice. Your abdomen will ache with hilarity. JS

Charm Bracelet Film Expo, at Disjecta, 116 NE Russell (upstairs), 8:30 pm, free, all ages

HAGAR--Like my good friends Metallica and my boyfriend Chris Cornell, ex-Van Halen front man Sammy Hagar has lost the hair and the heavy metal. Have a good cry during his near-final performance of I Can't Drive 55, and embrace the new Jimmy Buffet of rock. God knows we've been waiting for him. KS

Sammy Hagar & the Waboritas, Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 274-6564, 8 pm, $35


HUMAN BEAT BOX--Many people try to do it, many people suck. Rahzel rocks. Not to mention the fact that his beats are tight, he's with one of the fucking coolest hip hop groups in the world (the Roots), and he's totally cute. KD

w/ Ugly Duckling, Pine Street Theater, 215 SE 9th Ave, 241-5862, 8 pm, $15


JOHN--Comedian/novelist/screenwriter John Ridley will speak at the Portland Arts and Lectures Series; Ridley is the author of about 10 trillion fantastic books, not to mention scripting movies that star the booty-licious Jennifer Lopez! In his bibliography are Stray Dogs (1997), Love is a Racket (1998), and Everybody Smokes in Hell (1999). KD

Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 274-6564, 7:30 pm, $23