To celebrate Earth Day, I decided to make myself a wine spritzer, run a tepid and shallow bubble bath (water is life!), and visit the EPA’s website to read up on climate change.
I was disappointed to discover that the site was being updated.
“Thank you for your interest in this topic,” the home page read. “We are currently updating our website to reflect the EPA’s priorities under the leadership of President Trump and Administrator Pruitt.”
The site then pointed me to an archived version of the page from January 19, 2017, which included info on how climate change negatively effects the environment and our health, what causes it, and what we can do about it. It was like traveling back in time—but if you were a super boring person who only used time machines to look at old government websites.
The good news: The site’s update is coming soon! I did some digging, and I’ve managed to get a sneak peek at the new copy, posted below for your reading pleasure:
Thank you for visiting the EPA’s “climate change” page!
The climate of the earth is changing. Why? Because climate always changes—like condo rents in Washington, DC and the cost of soundproof “privacy booths” for one’s office ($43,000!? That price has risen more than the Global Mean Sea Level over the past century, amirite? CLIMATE JOKE!)
Yes, 97 percent of scientists worldwide agree that climate change is happening and that human activity causes it—but scientists are nerds and they’re wrong. Other things science has been wrong about include, but are not limited to:
• evolution
• the efficacy of abstinence-only sex education
• Sasquatch
• the location of the clitoris
• the existence of the female orgasm
• how cool Hitler was
• Jesus and dinosaurs being buddies
• that two of every animal on Earth would fit on a boat and not be too smelly to travel on
• the existence of implicit bias
• that rainbows are gay because they are definitely not gay
At the EPA, we’re no longer looking to “scientists” who represent Big Environment to help define policy. We will also not work to decrease fossil fuels, because cars are awesome. However, in an effort to decrease greenhouse gasses, we will be shutting down greenhouses nationwide, particularly those built by older ladies wearing floppy hats because those women are no longer hot and therefore serve no purpose in society.
We understand that, through no fault of American humans, there is what can only be described as a fuckton of heat-trapping gases in the atmosphere that have caused temperatures and sea levels to rise. The obvious antidote to this is for Americans to turn up their air conditioners this summer, thereby cooling down the atmosphere and PROBLEM SOLVED.
You’re welcome.
Love, The EPA.
