TWO New Jersey mayors have been arrested on suspicion of broad-based corruption and money-laundering schemes. (Confidential to the "Recall Sam" supporters: Way to keep Portland provincial!)

President Obama to us: "H-E-A! L-T-H! My health care system will make America great! RAAAAAHHHH!"

Global surveys show that Obama has done wonders for America's reputation, and could only be improved if we sent Dick Cheney to Abu Ghraib.

The Dow surpasses 9,000 for the first time all year, and Ford reported a second-quarter profit. And the housing market is starting to recover, too? I would celebrate if it weren't for this darn PTSD.

To Mercury employees: This device will be installed on each of your desks. So cheer up, loser.

Headline: "Man Claims He Found Condom in Bowl of French Onion Soup." See? Another reason to dislike the French.

Another shooting in Portland prompts cops to hold a "gang Q&A" today for honky reporters. Or, I can save everyone a lot of time by providing a perfectly reasonable explanation: "It's summer, and it's hot, ya'll."

And finally, what the world needs now is a hilarious cartoon about Hall & Oates' John Oates and his mustache. What's that? They're making one called J-Stache? Ohhhh, yesssss. I may have to recant my disbelief in God.