I was in the grocery store, and then I saw this:
A few observations:
1) GROSS.
2) It’s more than “GROSS,” it’s an affront to humanity.
3) Wait… just so we’re on the same page here… this is a pizza. But instead of toppings, it’s covered with macaroni & cheese—THAT’S BEEN FROZEN.
4) I just… I just don’t…
5) Why does Tony’s hate the world so much? Say what you will about Hitler, at least he didn’t hate everybody. Tony’s hates EVERYBODY.
6) BTW, my intention is not to belittle the experience of those who went through the Holocaust… just to be clear, this Tony’s “Macaroni & Cheese” pizza is NOT worse than the Holocaust. However, it is worse than anything that happened in Darfur.
7) But let’s put aside that this pizza is the edible equivalent to the human centipede. It’s the upper right hand corner that’s most infuriating of all. “New Square Shape Fills the Box.” WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, TONY?? Are you trying to say that there’s more of this abysmally horrid pizza for those of us who are interested in DEATH? Or are you trying to tell us that a square pizza somehow reduces excess packaging, and that you are actually doing something worthwhile for the planet? EVEN WHILE YOU TRY TO PASS OFF A MACARONI & CHEESE PIZZA AS “FOOD”?
8) YOU CALLOUS, FUCKING BASTARD, TONY. YOU CALLOUS… FUCKING… BASTARD!!
What did it taste like, Steve? BITCH DON’T LIE! I KNOW you bought that atrocity and baked it up in your oven!
Hmmmmmm… I didn’t… but maybe I should? I suppose it’s my journalistic duty to take one for the team and try it out. Or perhaps you guys love me so much that you’d rather not force me to undergo such inhumane torture? (Please tell me I’m right.)
bro that shit is like two dollars at Fred Meyer. go nuts.
if you read the back, you’ll find that they’re not total assholes:
if you send in 85 proofs-of-purchase within a calendar year, they’ll send you a coupon for 10%-off of your next angioplasty…..unless you have a preexisting condition (i.e., you’re already a fatty).
and, JESUS H.!! — i just hit your link for the ‘the human centipede’ — thanks for that.
(as if i wasn’t disgusted with the human race enough already…..)
I’ll need to know if this has tomato sauce before I cast judgment. (Tomato sauceless pizza is BULLSHIT.)
From their website:
“TONY’S® Pizza took the country by storm in the 1970’s when Marvin Schwan purchased [Dick] Barlow’s little pizza company and began sharing it nationwide. The great taste of TONY’S® found its way into grocery stores and even schools.”
So the company was started by a Dick and is a ’70s throwback. That’s explain’s Tony’s moustache and crossed-arms bad attitude.
I demand a taste test!
Hire PAC as a contractor to do a freelance piece in which he purchases and eats one, a la the Double Down.