The Worst Four Sodas at the New Rocket Fizz Downtown

If you want to get my attention, opening a candy/soda shop down the street from my apartment is a good way to do it. That’s exactly what Rocket Fizz, the latest franchise of the California chain, just did at 6th and Alder. It’s a thing to behold.

They’ve got a massive selection organized on the “fuck it” system (the first and less prestigious invention of Dewey behind his eponymous Decimal system).

I decided the best way to get to know my new neighbor was by trying a few of the most interestingly flavored sodas manufactured by Rocket Fizz themselves. I considered the Snooki soda, but assumed it would be meatball flavor. I also considered the highly offensive “Cream My People” and “Seal Ya Later” but didn’t want to reward that kind of packaging.

In the end, I opted for four flavors:

Coffee Soda
I started here because it seemed the closest to a thing somebody might actually want. And I was right. It tastes nothing like coffee but was thoroughly delicious. More like a creamy root beer float.
A good start. Maybe everything will be this good! (Spoiler alert: no)

Bacon Soda
It’s been 10 years I’ve had bacon, but non-vegetarians like to remind me that it’s delicious. So maybe the “artificial bacon” flavor in my soda will be an awesome experience I can enjoy while still maintaining my moral superiority at the breakfast table. Also it sounds like “baking soda” which is fun.
Bacon soda… is not fun. It’s got a wafting chemical smell, like chlorine or something, and tastes much the same. It has a slight aftertaste of meatiness, and a duringtaste of pure awfulness.
It tasted less like a soda with bacon flavor and more like drinking the water out of a hot tub after a bunch of pigs just finished relaxing in it.
Do not buy or consume this product if you are pregnant, may become pregnant, or was the product of a human pregnancy.

Buffalo Wing Soda
This seemed like the most outlandish flavor choice, so maybe it’ll be the best?
Actually, Buffalo Wing Soda tastes okay. I didn’t detect the tiniest hint of buffalo sauce and the orange color tricked my brain into thinking it tasted like orange cream.
I wouldn’t really recommend this, unless you wanted a vague flavor and a funny label. If not, just buy an orange cream soda.

Ranch Dressing Soda
And the big finish… ranch dressing.
Just popping off the cap revealed a nauseating smell that, an hour later, hasn’t entirely left my apartment.
There was a vague sense that I was drinking something ranch flavored, but it had such a strong chemically taste I was pretty sure this was ranch’s evil robot twin. It tasted more like an industrial byproduct than a delicious mix of sour cream and herbs, like it was extruded from the ranch-sands of Canada.
I was able to drink the least of this one and I even felt guilty pouring this one down the drain for fear it would end up in the river and a fish would take a sip and instantly vomit.

Bonus: Buffalo Wing (soda) dipped in Ranch Dressing (soda)
Since these flavors are frequently combined, I thought I’d try it.
Result: NOT BETTER

I know this isn’t a fair look at the products of Rocket Fizz—literally everything else in the entire store is probably a better idea—but I thought I’d take the bullet for everybody. I tried these four so you don’t have to. Enjoy something (anything) else at this delightful new store.