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Sorry, but I don’t want to play Cards Against Humanity with you.

It’s not that I’m grumpy. Or humorless. Or that I dislike the concept of “enjoying myself.” It’s that I like my games to be games, and to me, Cards Against Humanity is less a game, and more a shapeless exercise in hackwork comedy using “edgy” Laffy Taffy wrappers. It’s Family Guy writers’ room bullshit at best.

I know this is unfair, and I know exactly why this is unfair. It’s the same reason musicians came off like grumpy-gus party-poopers when Guitar Hero ruled the world. Cards is to being funny what Guitar Hero is to being musically inclined. And nothing made a musician sound more like a humorless bag of dicks than when they’d complain about how pointless Guitar Hero was, just like nothing makes me sound more like a pisspants comedy snob than telling you why I don’t like the game you laugh your ass off playing.

Some musicians derided the that game’s audience as clueless wanna-bes, fooling themselves with their plastic controller into thinking they were making music. If you thought Guitar Hero was a means to create, a substitute to learning how music works, then yeah, I see how “pointless” is a charge you’d level.

But that’s not what the majority of people playing the game were doing, any more than people lining up for the umpteenth iteration of Madden every year think they could be defensive backs. They were under no illusion that they were becoming musicians by five-starring Knights of Cydonia. They were just having fun with the game, as a game. And I know the large majority of Cards Against Humanity players are under no illusions as to their comedic abilities as they build zingers out of pre-fabricated set-ups and punchlines. Nobody’s going to kill a game of Cards and immediately elbow their way to the local comedy club and try a five-minute set at open mic.

Guitar Hero didn’t damage musicianship, and Cards isn’t hurting comedy.

Plus, it’s really hard to argue that there isn’t fun to be had. The popularity of the game speaks to that, (Just as Guitar Hero had its band-focused spinoffs, there’s now an independently published, Doctor Who specific Cards game) as well as the sounds of laughter pouring out of my living room every time the game has been played when friends are over.

But I can’t play it with you. I’m sorry. For a game whose entire purpose is to elicit laughter, it doesn’t make me laugh very much at all, which is a problem. I can’t get down with the arbitrary nature of the scoring, either. Comedy is subjective as hell, and even if I know you really well, I can’t always predict what’s going to crack you up. I like that. But in Cards Against Humanity, that’s a negative. You lose for that. It’s a “game” that makes me second-guess my sense of humor, and asks me to judge my friends for having their own. It’s weird. It kind of makes the game pointless.

I know this puts me closer to the grumpy burnout complaining about those darn lazy kids with their plastic guitars, and far away from the laughing-’til-you’re-crying friend who built a child molestation joke out of a card with Cookie Monster’s name on it.

That’s no fun for me, or for you. I don’t want to judge you for the things you think are funny, and for me, it feels like the game is specifically asking me to do that. “Here. Spend an hour being Ant from Last Comic Standing.” Even if “winning” Cards actually meant anything (and it doesn’t), judging my friends based on what makes them laugh doesn’t sound like a fun way to kill an hour. That’s all that’s left of the “game” when the stack of Laffy Taffy wrappers you’re playing with is less-than-efficient comedy fuel. Part of what makes comedy worthwhile is the sense of spontaneity, of imagination, innovation, cleverness, surprise. Cards, by its pre-fabricated, jokes-as-Lego-bricks nature, subtracts all but the cleverness, and cleverness by itself turns cloying really fast.

I know this makes me the bad guy, and trust me, I feel it. But look – while you guys are playing, I’ll gather up the plates and glasses, run em through the dishwasher. Refresh some drinks. Maybe make a plate of little Triscuit pizzas or something. While I’m in the kitchen, scrubbing over the sink, maybe I’ll laugh at the card combinations that do manage to work, without the pointless “game” aspect getting in the way. I’m more than happy to be the waiter at the impromptu comedy-club facsimile happening in the living room.

Just don’t ask me to play. It won’t turn out well for either of us.

Bobby Roberts is one of the Portland Mercury's calendar editors, as well as one of its film and pop-culture critics. His past career choices included joining corporate broadcast radio just in time for...

30 replies on “This is Why I Don’t Play <i>Cards Against Humanity</i> with You.”

  2. Cards against Humanity is a game better played once every few months at most, which given its increase in popularity and how much easier it is to get going than most games, can be a problem.

    I totally agree with the notion of forced humor, but it also sounds like you might have lost the “game” part of it. It’s not just about what Bobby Roberts finds funny, and how that notion of humor is better or worse than others there. While it might still pain your comedic sense, it becomes a game when you realize the goal is figuring out what makes other people laugh.

    Has one person gone with a non-sequitur every round? Does the person next to them appreciate your joke-with-a-joke sense of humor? Are you trying to figure out if the person next to them is an ironic racist or an actual racist? How about the ever-present literalist, that actively seeks out the most appropriate response? Make it into more of a game and it might not hurt QUITE as much when you realize half the room watches “Dads”.

  5. “Comedy is subjective as hell, and even if I know you really well, I can’t always predict what’s going to crack you up. I like that. But in Cards Against Humanity, that’s a negative. You lose for that. It’s a “game” that makes me second-guess my sense of humor, and asks me to judge my friends for having their own. It’s weird. It kind of makes the game pointless.”

    I THINK THAT PART OF THE FUN IS FOUND IN THE ABSURDITY OF ARBITRARILY “SCORING” HUMOR. IF YOU ACTUALLY ASSOCIATE A FEELING OF “LOSS” OR “LOSING” WITH NOT SCORING THESE ARBITRARY POINTS, THEN I THINK THAT IT’S YOU WHO IS CAUSING YOURSELF TO SECOND-GUESS YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. (ALSO, HOW CAN YOU SECOND-GUESS WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH UNLESS YOUR LAUGHTER IS SOMEHOW CALCULATED?)

    “…judging my friends based on what makes them laugh doesn’t sound like a fun way to kill an hour.”

    SO, AGAIN, DON’T JUDGE THEM.

    IN SUM, YES, YOU DO JUST SOUND CRANKY AND I’M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHY YOU WROTE THIS OTHER THAN TO SOUND CRANKY. I NEVER ASKED YOU TO PLAY ANYWAYS.

  8. 800 words to clearly demonstrate your lack of social awareness or understanding that people like things? You sound like a misanthropic Aspergers patient. Great job.

    Anxiously awaiting for your screed about how Fantasy Football is totally fucking pointless because there’s no way those people could be actual Managers.

  9. How maddening it is when opinion writers write about their opinion of something, no matter how diplomatically they express it. The fucking nerve.

  10. I’m confused. Are you a comedian? I don’t know you on a comedy front nor a writing front, unless you’re writing under a pseudonym which is kind of weak. Comedy is subjective, it’s true. But some people weren’t born with a innate talent to be funny. So therefore Cards is a fun way to make their friends laugh in a way that I (we?) get the experience several times a week. Also, I’m not sure if that was a dis on Ant, but he’s funny and also my friend. So judge away.

  12. @Austin: Bobby Roberts used to be a radio DJ. Thats are his comedic roots; doing afternoon drive time for KUFO. A job he was able to get through the manipulation of some sort of online polling contest that was supposed to pick the new sidekick to the actually funny Cort Webber. He then parlayed that into recording a podcast in his living room. But to the best of my knowledge, he’s never been a part of stand-up circuit.

  13. Austin: I’m not a stand-up comedian. My name is not a pseudonym. Bobby Roberts would be a pretty crappy pseudonym. Or at the least, really lazy. Thanks Mom.

    I’m not saying the experience isn’t fun in general, or shouldn’t be fun for those who find it as such. I’m saying introducing me INTO the experience will make it less fun, because I’m not a fan of the game, and here’s why. There are possibly others out there who feel the same way, so maybe this post could give voice to those feelings.

    The whole point of introducing the analogy to Guitar Hero is to explain why I’m on the wrong side of that comparison now, where I wasn’t before. “People who liked Guitar Hero” = “People who like Cards Against Humanity” = “People having fun and enjoying themselves.” That’s not a bad thing. I’m not criticizing that, or judging people. If there’s judgment, I feel it is aimed pretty much solely at myself.

    Also, for clarification’s sake, I did not know Jordan, Jesse, Go had tackled a similar subject recently. I’m not a listener of their show, although I’ve heard it’s really good from multiple people.

    Galumbits: I’ve been known to succumb to that particular affliction more than a few times.

    Really, I think the takeaway here should be more focused on the fact I just essentially volunteered to the entire city of Portland to be their in-home catering should they invite me to a game of Cards Against Humanity.

  17. I dislike this game as well, for exactly the reasons laid out. I have kept this opinion to myself because lots of my friends love the game and I didn’t want to rain on anyone’s parade. So, I guess I’m the target audience for this post, as my reaction was 100% “FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT”

  20. Is there anything that a Hipster can love, without casting snarky disdain upon? I am a recent convert to this game and for the naturally demented ( like myself) this game is highly enjoyable. I would suggest that the author loosen up, find a group of normally uptight folks, and throw in his worst cards early and enjoy the carnage.

  22. Holy shit, dude; really? You wrote an entire blog about how you’re too cool for CAH? It’s a game in which the object plays second fiddle to the way you get there! There isn’t supposed to be much in the way of “competition”, and if the subjective nature by which points are decided disagrees with you, just don’t play (same goes for Apples to Apples, by the way, except that one comes with less shock and more strategy).

    The Mercury is already over-saturated with snark-laden whiney rants by Portland’s “creative class”. Try adding some variety for a change.

  26. “Honey, let’s role-play tonight. You’ll be [vomiting mid-blow job] and I’ll be [not reciprocating oral sex].”

    The fun is in the combinations, not the cards themselves.

  27. This game was probably invented when a hilarious double entendre was found during a game of Apples to Apples, thereby “breaking” the game.

    Then, that hilarious soul decided to invent a completely broken game, eliminating any possibility of a gut-busting outlier.

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