To the person or persons who came onto my property last Friday and harvested all of the blueberries from my tree: that was not cool. I nurture that tree; I prune it, water it, give it my coffee grounds and talk to it, all so that my family and friends can enjoy its summer bounty in the form of fresh berries, jam or other concoctions. I know it was a fine crop, so if you had come to my door and asked for a bowl (or even two) I likely would have said “go ahead”. I’d even be OK if you’d just taken a reasonable amount without asking — after all I may be an asshole for all you know. But you did neither — instead you came in and helped yourself to pretty much every single berry on the Goddamn tree — didn’t even leave enough for the birds to have a snack. So you know what - you’re the asshole. Fuck You, and I hope you choke on them.
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!