I know a lot of you moved here because it's so ~pretty~ and green and you can hike with your pretty REI boots and oh man take the Subaru up a real mountain! So very awesome!
But it would have been better for you to pay attention in your science classes and understand what all that pretty mountainy shit is about.
They're volcanoes you dumbasses. ACTIVE volcanoes. THE ONE WITH THE FLAT TOP ACTUALLY ERUPTED IN RECENT HISTORY.
Do you know how volcanoes are formed? Plate tectonics. Like oh, subduction zones! THESE THINGS CAUSE EARTHQUAKES. GIANT PLATES MOVING TOGETHER THAT CREATE FRICTION AND QUAKE THE EARTH. LIKE AN EARTHQUAKE. THAT IS WHY IT IS CALLED THAT. THERE ARE COLORING BOOKS THAT WILL HELP YOU.
I know you were happy to leave snow or tornadoes or whatever middle state problems you had before but you gotta understand, all that Oregon prettiness comes with a price. Some day we're all going to be buried in ash or thrown into the ocean. And that's going to be far worse than seeing a bunch of tract houses thrown in the sky in Tornado Central, Middle State. So strap on those hiking boots and put your rescue pitbull in the Subaru and enjoy it before you die.
Also, stop freaking out and get your emergency food and guns ready because god knows poorly shot newscasts and crappy blog posts aren't going to help.
Also, also: STOP DOING STUPID SHIT IN WATER AND ON THE MOUNTAINS THAT CAUSES DEATH. THANK YOU.
(Looking at you Mercury and local news.)