I get it, I’m skinny. I’m trying to be less so, but it’s actually a lot harder for me to do than you might think. I’m not going to attempt to numerate the hardships faced by skinny people or anything. The main hardship is chairs, as they are hard, and my ass is boney. That’s not much to complain about.

There is, however, a certain type of jackass who feels the need to subject strangers to unoriginal attempts at body shaming, so I will say this:

If you, a stranger, are compelled to tell me that I “need to eat a sandwich”, then you had better have a fucking sandwich for me. I’ll be happy to oblige you by eating it right then and there. You can watch. Just don’t pull this shit if you aren’t prepared to provide the aforementioned sandwich.

19 replies on “You Owe Me a Sandwich”

  1. I had the reverse of this happen to me Anon at the gym, so I actually agree with you/this. All of this. I was at the gym and Ms. Chunkier than me, decided to lean over my treadmill and explain that I would lose more weight if I stepped it up a notch. I calmly looked at her an explained that I am in no real hurry to lose weight. And, that in fact my goal is to lose weight the same rate that I gained it, taking my time, because my boobs are bigger. I’ve never be able to lift my arms forward and create cleavage. It’s always felt like braille under finger tips when it comes to my boobs. It also allows me to maintain my financials this way. It’s easier to invest in Twinkies, than a boob job. People need to mind their own fucking business!

  3. I have been tall and thin my whole life. It sucked when I was a teen but at 35 it’s fucking awesome, as most of my contemporaries look like 5 pounds of shit stuffed into a sandwich bag.

  7. You can put on some overalls and a floppy hat and come hang out in my garden. I need something to scare these dadblasted dadgum crows away from my corn rows.

  8. What are you saying is you shit more than the average person. This uses more of the earth’s resources. Fat people have smaller shit footprints and are better for the ecology.
    So no I won’t give you a sandwich.

  11. Imrightyourwrong – I don’t think that’s actually how science works… high metabolisms burn energy faster — unless there’s something really wrong with this person’s GI tract, the food is probably not literally “just going right through them.”

    Also, I’ve always wondered if you intended to use the wrong “your” in your name for ironic purposes, or if you’re really just that dumb… Either way, irony is played out, as is being dumb.

  13. Also the letter E… that would be the more important missing element, but given that you DID put and apostrophe in “I’m” that’s kind of a good question. Thank’s for inadvertently answering my question, though! Not ironic: dumb.

    Unless you’rE implying that I HAVE wrong, which also doesn’t make grammatical sense.

  15. Have I ever claimed NOT to be a clueless bore? Look at how much I comment here! Of COURSE I’m a bore – I’m just self-aware enough to realize it.

  16. Ok then.

    About my name..

    My former name was i’mrightyou’rewrong. But then I insulted Karmel too much and Humpy or somebody deleted my profile. Or maybe I forgot the password.
    Anyway you really are wrong- its neither irony nor ignorance. Its the LAZY.
    English language always changing, embrace it bro. Apostrophes are training wheels. Throw em away and ride that bike.

  17. Fair enough. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, which is why I never said anything before. English is kind of a bastard language and I’m all for taking liberties with it, but I like the ‘postrophe.

    Now let’s see just how long and awkward we can make this thread!

  19. @ i’mrightyourwrong:

    Your case isn’t helped by the fact that you utilized apostrophes in three other comments recently…earlier today. You’re an anti-apostrophe poser, sir. You ain’t really down with dropping the training wheels like you say. I’m on to you. You’re nothing but a wannabe punctuation-flouter.

Comments are closed.