Yes, you should be riding a bike. But you aren’t! Let me help you with a couple of Portland pitfalls, now that the weather is changing and falling back will send us all into darkness.
1. The lanes on many streets are hard to see when it’s dark. We are likely too cheap for luxuries like reflective paint. What you do is either stay in the curb lane, or look for a faint shiny line in the dark wet street. It’s a fun game called Find the Lane!
2. Many drivers are driving around with one headlight. They compensate by using their brights.
3. To contrast, many drivers use excessive displays of headlight power. Those blue LEDs that blind you combined with fog lights. Avert your eyes.
4. Some people on bicycles ride in the dark wearing dark rain gear and no lights. Pedestrians also can be hard to see at night. Lots of people choose black as their color of choice for rainwear. Don’t hit anyone.
5. It’s okay to drive the speed limit. If you are driving 15 mpg under the speed limit and cars are piling up behind you, it’s okay to pull over and let them pass.
6. Right on red is also okay. Except when it specifically says it’s not.
7. Register your car. When you do something stupid, hate you less if we think you’re from Wallowa.
8. Don’t get stuck in the transit mall downtown. Or in the Ladd’s Addition vortex.
9. Storm drains often back up to form large pools of water in the street. Don’t splash anyone!

Good luck!

12 replies on “Advice to Newcomers Who Use a Car”

  1. And most importantly, if you see a seizure-inducing light heading toward you that almost causes you to wreck, have no fear. It is just an entitled “nobody matters but me” cyclist using a ridiculously bright and dangerous strobe light (maybe even attached to their damned helmet!) incorrectly aimed upward to blind oncoming cars and other cyclists.

  2. Advice to Newcomers Who Use I, Anonymous

    Thiking of writing an advice list? DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. Let’s see, what else?
    DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T. DON’T.

  3. Also, know that your tires are actually designed to drive on wet roads. You don’t have to slow down and act confused.

    Sorry, Tooooooodd!

  5. mpg is a measure of fuel consumption. mph is a measure of speed. It’s a fairly simple concept, or it should be for someone that clearly wants to tell everyone else how they should behave.

  7. When Emergency vehicles are flashing and alarms are sounding,pull off to the side of the road. If your at the intersection,do your best to make room for them to pass.
    Don’t panic and go all over the street like a lost Jackass.

  8. The speed limit on a greenway (neighborhood bikeway) is 20. 20 is not that fast so if want to go faster then get off the greenway.

    The bus mall is confusing, avoid it if you are not very bright.

    If there is a lane painted green, it is not for driving on.

    If you are staying then please get rid of the California plates and I heart Cali bumper stickers.

    Only morons have studded tires and lastly,

    get off your fucking smart phones

  9. Here’s some advice, driving a car in portland is like driving a car anywhere else where cars are driven,except for one distinguishing difference… In portland we drive with our eyes closed. Mainly because we are constantly in the throes of orgasm, but also sometimes because we are taking a nap on our way to work…or wherever.

  10. More people have been sexually assaulted by “bike activists” in Portland than people on bikes who ride at night with no lights and while wearing black. Dirk may find this to be a fun fact.

  12. This could be a cross CARtual exchange, where newcomers introduce parallel parking in under five minutes, curbing wheels on slopes, and merging.

    Also, in Oregon you are supposed to stop on a yellow, I guess.

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