Spider-Man: Homecoming opens tonight, and everybody seems to love it. Congrats, Spider-Man! It's about time something went right for you!
However, and MORE IMPORTANTLY: How does Homecoming's Spidey, Tom Holland, stack up amongst history's other Spider-Men?
Our universe has many Spider-Men. Let us rank them.
14. Me, Halloween 1984
A cape? What kind of Spider-Man has a goddamn cape? The kind who also has a broken arm and who inexplicably started crying immediately after this picture was taken, thus ruining not only his face-painted spider-webs but also, one could argue, Halloween itself. That's the kind of Spider-Man who has a cape.
Four-year-old Erik is history's worst Spider-Man.
13. Alain Robert, "The French Spider-Man"
Before you get all impressed, please note: Skyscraper climber Alain Robert has "been arrested many times, in various countries, by law enforcement officials waiting for him at the end of his climb." Would a good Spider-Man get arrested many times, in various countries, by law enforcement officials waiting for him at the end of his climb?
No. Alain Robert is the second-worst Spider-Man.
12. Paul Soles, ABC's Spider-Man
The theme song is the only reason anyone remembers ABC's 1967 Spider-Man cartoon, but you know who's forced to think about it every single day he remains on this planet? Canadian actor Paul Soles, who voiced Spidey! Soles, now a sprightly 86, is currently playing above his age in the smash-hit Canadian web series My 90-Year-Old Roommate! Here's old man Spider-Man learning about ghosting!
I only made it 1:38 into that, but it's nice that someone told Canadians about ghosting.
11. That Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark Guy
This guy had to go on here somewhere. He paid his dues. Not to depress you, but everyone who worked on this show was horrifically maimed. And not to scare you, but everyone who has clicked "play" on this YouTube has died.
Hooray for theater!
10: Shinji Todō, Japanese Spider-Man
Pros: Has giant Spider-Man robot
Cons: Very easily ambushed by Toothache Alligator, and also, girls laugh at him
9. Nicholas Hammond, CBS' The Amazing Spider-Man
Perhaps better known for playing "Friedrich Von Trapp" in The Sound of Music, Nicholas Hammond also played Spider-Man on CBS' 1977 live-action series The Amazing Spider-Man. Like CBS, all you can really say about Nicholas Hammond is that he exists.
8. Tobey Maguire, Spider-Man
Tobey Maguire is the yogurt of people.
7: Spider-Man From Capcom's 1995 Marvel Super Heroes Video Game
I like this Spidey's style!
6. Donald Glover, Ultimate Spider-Man
I'm still bummed the only time Donald Glover got to play Spider-Man was in a cartoon.
5. Christopher Daniel Barnes, Fox Kids' Spider-Man
The '90s Spider-Man cartoon was the one I saw as a kid and as a super-cool teen (see above photo, add 10 years, add more tears), so it's my favorite Spider-Man show! And Christopher Daniel Barnes was a good Spider-Man! Alas, he was not as good as the theme song. To this day, music scientists fight over which is the greatest song ever written: the '90s X-Men cartoon theme song or the '90s Spider-Man cartoon theme song. Stop murdering each other over this, music scientists! Just decide it's a tie!
4. Andrew Garfield, Sony's The Amazing Spider-Man
Andrew Garfield was a great Spider-Man! Everyone loves this guy!
Except Sony, I guess.
3. Spider-Man: Friend or Foe?
2. Tom Holland, Spider-Man: Homecoming
So John Oliver calls him Spider-Twerp, and over the weekend, a friend pointed out that "Spider-Man does seem... a bit generous." Still, pretty much everyone who saw him steal a good 20 minutes of Captain America: Civil War thinks Tom Holland is the best Spider-Man. And as Wm. Steven Humphrey writes, "Holland's earnest, engaging style has a lot to do" with why Homecoming works. So nice work, Spider-Twerp! But don't get too cocky, because there's still....
1. Neil Patrick Harris, Spider-Man: The New Animated Series
Wait, Doogie Howser played Spider-Man? He did, on MTV's short-lived Spider-Man: The New Animated Series, later reprising the role in a video game or two. The show—and Harris' voice work, in which he somehow manages to be simultaneously dorky, smart, funny, emo, and likeable—is better than this trailer implies, since this trailer mostly focuses Peter's wangst over not being able to go to... a frat party? Cool, MTV.
BUT WAIT, because here are some other people who provided voices for MTV's Spider-Man: Lisa Loeb (?), Ian Ziering (!), Kathy Griffin (??), Rob Zombie (ok), Jeremy Piven (?), Spike from Buffy ( :| ), Eve (?), Ed Asner (!!), and Worf from Star Trek ( }}:-( ).
That's... huh. That's a list! I hope Marvel gets this entire cast back together. Not even to be in a movie. Just to hang out.