Thurs Oct 31 Ash Street
Just when we thought that the mob of Californians infiltrating our once calm and inexpensive city was bad enough, we now have a new and much more hostile invasion: Stovokor, a quintet of angry Klingon thrashers, has arrived. For you non-Trekkies, the band's namesake is the Klingon equivalent of Valhalla, a place where warriors go to drink blood wine and spar with the other honored Klingon dead for all eternity.
Led by one-handed Captain pInluH and Commander Khrell, son of Khraa'nik (the only known Klingon to be prescribed medical marijuana), Stovokor plunders the depth-y sub-genres of earth metal, creating a sound full of savage vocals sung in their native tongue and phaser-sharp guitar harmonics, all riding atop a wall of double-bass war drums.
"We purchased a faulty temporal device from some Ferengi who proved to be less than honorable," says Commander Khrell. "We now find ourselves here in your time, unable to make the necessary repairs to our ship. In the meantime, we will play your 'me-tuhl.' It amuses us."
While adamant that no human rock comes close to the glory of Klingon music, the stranded aliens have had to make due. "There is no 'kill' setting on my guitar. This has been a point of frustration, but it forces us to push our 'me-tuhl' to the limit, where it will be a killing sound in and of itself."
When asked about the wave of Vulcans that appear to have landed in the SoCal area, Stovokor's warrior blood begins to boil. "Death to Vulcan emo!" barks PInluH. "Vulcans just stand there when you punch them." Khrell is equally disdainful of New York Vulcan metal band, Veql'argh. "Why would they play metal? It is Illogical. We sent them a threatening email, but they will not respond."
This just seems to open the floodgates for all sorts of threatening musical abductions on our helpless planet. What's next--lesbian Betazoid folk? Wookie mod rockers? Perhaps now is the time to stand our ground for purity in Terran music while we still have the chance.