The Mercury Pet Issue Presents... PETS IN ACTION!
It's the Mercury Pets In Action Photo Contest Winner, and Check Out the Mercury Pet Issue!
Portlandâs Most Intriguing Cat Ladies
Portland’s One of the Cat Lady Capitals of the World. Here’s What Four of Them Had to Say About Their Fuzzy Pals and Fighting the Stigma.
Pet? You Are NASTY!
Is Your Pet a Perv? Read and Find Out!
Portlandâs Pretty
The Hottest Looks from Lents’ Chicken Beauty Contest
Great Dogs of History!
Think Your Dog Is Great? Read Our List of Truly Incredible Dogs and Think Again.
Pet Rent, Explained
All About the Extra Money You Pay to Live with Your Pet
Make Your Pet Pay Rent!
Its Days of Freeloading Are OVER
High on the Nip
Heather and Jonathan Sielaff Run the Best Darn Cat Instagram in Portland
A Better Journey
How At-Home Pet Euthanasia Helps Families Grieve and Heal
On Second Thought... Maybe You Shouldnât Get a Dog
(Because, Sometimes? The Dog You Want Isn’t the Dog You Get.)
LETâS GET RIGHT to it: Animals are nasty. They poop indiscriminately and often. You canât get them to fart politely. And thereâs also... front stuff. Like boners. Even with spaying and neutering, the humping never really goes away. And the little sickos have no shame! Sometimes their perversities are cute, sometimes theyâre funny, and sometimes they make it very weird for their human moms and dads.
But is your pet a perv? I threw this question out into the worldwide web, and found out the shocking answer: Yes, many of your pets are pervs. Letâs take a disgusted look at them, shall we?
Oscar
Iâll start. Iâve got a pug, Oscar. One of Oscarâs favorite pastimes is sitting on the back of the couch, gazing at me while Iâm doing stuff in the kitchen, with a giant (for a pug) boner flopping onto the couch pillow. Just staring at me, having a boner. Itâs sweet, I guess... in a way? But more creepy.
Oscar also has a favorite stuffed animal I call âSex Frog.â Oscar likes to hump Sex Frog before his naps. He used to be enthusiastic about it, but nowadays, he seems disinterested. Like humping is a chore for him. Like he and the frog have been married for 12 years and are trying to get pregnant with a third child he doesnât know if he wants. Oscar and Sex Frogâs relationship bums me out.
But you know what the most perverted thing about this is? That Iâve created a backstory for my dogâs humpingâbut Oscar doesnât understand narratives, so Iâm much more invested in it than he is. Now weâre both disgusting.
Dude
A Mercury staffer has a cat named Dude who jumps onto her lap whenever she sits down to poop. She says he darts into the bathroom before she can close the door and, and while sheâs trying to lighten her load, he weighs her down. Maybe he thinks heâs helping?
Beau
A dachshund belonging to a friend of mine used to entertain company by dragging dirty underwear out of the hamper and presenting it to guests. If allowed, he would gladly eat the crotch right out of the underwearâwith everyone watchingâbut only the really dirty ones. This disgusting behavior led this friend to start a blog, and then write a book. Maybe youâve heard of Dog Shaming? At least her pervert was a lucrative one!
Mr. Cat and Queequeg
Two cats, owned by two strangers, living on opposite coasts of the United States, have fallen into the habit of humping stuffed animals given to their human moms by ex-boyfriends. Sentimental reconnection, or hate-hump? What do cats think about when theyâre getting freaky?
Petey and Rocky
My mom has two mastiff mixes. The older one, Petey, fellates the younger one, Rocky, for hours at a time. They weigh a total of 300 pounds and are impossible to ignore because if youâre in the same room, youâre probably touching. So youâre involved.
Duke
My friend Jake has a silly, wiry-haired dog named Duke. Sometimes Duke doesnât lift his leg all the way when he goes to pee, and then pisses on his scraggly beard. Duke is really stinkinâ cute. If youâve met him, youâve scratched his beard. If youâve scratched his beard, youâve touched his pee. Sneaky Duke!
Sebastian
Mercury Editor in Chief Wm. Steven Humphreyâs cat Sebastian generally ignores himâexcept for when heâs flossing, at which point he canât get enough. According to Steve, âHe stares at my mouth like Iâm flossing with a mouseâs tail.â Then he scampers off. Whatâs Sebastian doing once he leaves? HMMMM. (Do cats masturbate??)
Anonymous small dog
A person close to me who does not want to be named has a small dog who was rescued from the garbage-filled streets of Los Angeles, and was probably surviving for weeks off Burger King wrappers and bum vomit. A real sicko. This person also has a toddler who poops in a potty with no lid. Recently, the dog has discovered that if heâs fast, he can eat the turd before a parent finds it to flush it down the toilet. On special days, he barfs that poop up, then re-eats the barf before a parent can intervene again. One time the person stepped in the poop barf. If you thought it was silly to share a gross dog story anonymously, well, would you want people to know youâd stepped in toddler-poop dog vomit? Didnât think so.
Iâm sure there a ton more stories out there about pervy pets, and if you have one, please submit it to the I, Anonymous Blog! Especially if you have a juicy story about a bird. I bet birds do some real nasty stuff.