David McMillan

Pet Issue 2016

The Mercury Pet Issue Presents... PETS IN ACTION!

Portland’s Most Intriguing Cat Ladies

Portland’s Pretty

Great Dogs of History!

Pet Rent, Explained

Make Your Pet Pay Rent!

High on the Nip

A Better Journey

On Second Thought... Maybe You Shouldn’t Get a Dog

LET’S GET RIGHT to it: Animals are nasty. They poop indiscriminately and often. You can’t get them to fart politely. And there’s also... front stuff. Like boners. Even with spaying and neutering, the humping never really goes away. And the little sickos have no shame! Sometimes their perversities are cute, sometimes they’re funny, and sometimes they make it very weird for their human moms and dads.

But is your pet a perv? I threw this question out into the worldwide web, and found out the shocking answer: Yes, many of your pets are pervs. Let’s take a disgusted look at them, shall we?

Oscar

I’ll start. I’ve got a pug, Oscar. One of Oscar’s favorite pastimes is sitting on the back of the couch, gazing at me while I’m doing stuff in the kitchen, with a giant (for a pug) boner flopping onto the couch pillow. Just staring at me, having a boner. It’s sweet, I guess... in a way? But more creepy.

Oscar also has a favorite stuffed animal I call “Sex Frog.” Oscar likes to hump Sex Frog before his naps. He used to be enthusiastic about it, but nowadays, he seems disinterested. Like humping is a chore for him. Like he and the frog have been married for 12 years and are trying to get pregnant with a third child he doesn’t know if he wants. Oscar and Sex Frog’s relationship bums me out.

But you know what the most perverted thing about this is? That I’ve created a backstory for my dog’s humping—but Oscar doesn’t understand narratives, so I’m much more invested in it than he is. Now we’re both disgusting.

Dude

A Mercury staffer has a cat named Dude who jumps onto her lap whenever she sits down to poop. She says he darts into the bathroom before she can close the door and, and while she’s trying to lighten her load, he weighs her down. Maybe he thinks he’s helping?

Beau

A dachshund belonging to a friend of mine used to entertain company by dragging dirty underwear out of the hamper and presenting it to guests. If allowed, he would gladly eat the crotch right out of the underwear—with everyone watching—but only the really dirty ones. This disgusting behavior led this friend to start a blog, and then write a book. Maybe you’ve heard of Dog Shaming? At least her pervert was a lucrative one!

Mr. Cat and Queequeg

Two cats, owned by two strangers, living on opposite coasts of the United States, have fallen into the habit of humping stuffed animals given to their human moms by ex-boyfriends. Sentimental reconnection, or hate-hump? What do cats think about when they’re getting freaky?

Petey and Rocky

My mom has two mastiff mixes. The older one, Petey, fellates the younger one, Rocky, for hours at a time. They weigh a total of 300 pounds and are impossible to ignore because if you’re in the same room, you’re probably touching. So you’re involved.

Duke

My friend Jake has a silly, wiry-haired dog named Duke. Sometimes Duke doesn’t lift his leg all the way when he goes to pee, and then pisses on his scraggly beard. Duke is really stinkin’ cute. If you’ve met him, you’ve scratched his beard. If you’ve scratched his beard, you’ve touched his pee. Sneaky Duke!

Sebastian

Mercury Editor in Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey’s cat Sebastian generally ignores him—except for when he’s flossing, at which point he can’t get enough. According to Steve, “He stares at my mouth like I’m flossing with a mouse’s tail.” Then he scampers off. What’s Sebastian doing once he leaves? HMMMM. (Do cats masturbate??)

Anonymous small dog

A person close to me who does not want to be named has a small dog who was rescued from the garbage-filled streets of Los Angeles, and was probably surviving for weeks off Burger King wrappers and bum vomit. A real sicko. This person also has a toddler who poops in a potty with no lid. Recently, the dog has discovered that if he’s fast, he can eat the turd before a parent finds it to flush it down the toilet. On special days, he barfs that poop up, then re-eats the barf before a parent can intervene again. One time the person stepped in the poop barf. If you thought it was silly to share a gross dog story anonymously, well, would you want people to know you’d stepped in toddler-poop dog vomit? Didn’t think so.


I’m sure there a ton more stories out there about pervy pets, and if you have one, please submit it to the I, Anonymous Blog! Especially if you have a juicy story about a bird. I bet birds do some real nasty stuff.