lapjack and Mitzi—these two are the dogs from which all other dogs descended. Flapjack, a two-year-old Irish setter (technically, this was before setters, or Ireland), and Mitzi, a one-year-old cocker spaniel mix (this was after cockers), were forced into an arranged marriage by the will of God Himself. The two pooches took a boat ride with Noah and the rest is history. Well, except for the mess they made in the aft cabin. The Bible doesn’t tell you about that.
As depicted in Homer’s Odyssey
, Argos is the faithful dog who immediately remembers Odysseus upon his return home after 10 years of the Trojan War and another 10 years dicking around in the Mediterranean. From a cozy bed of cow manure, the ancient, flea-bitten Argos sadly wags his tail at his master, then immediately drops dead. In ancient Greek, this plot development can be thought of as an early example of pathos
; in modern American terms, it should be referred to as “severely fucked.” Argos was the first in a long line of dogs that die at the end, inspiring hackneyed copycats like Old Yeller
, Marley and Me
, and Turner and Hooch
Peritas was the favorite dog of Macedonian conqueror Alexander the Great, and spotty historical records suggest the trusty Peritas was either a greyhound or a bulldog, a wildly huge discrepancy in breed that proves either that Macedonians knew nothing about dogs or that historical records aren’t worth a shit. Peritas was so beloved that Alex named one of his conquered cities after him, sparking a tradition of naming towns after dogs that has been regrettably carried on in such illustrious locations as Monsieur Whoopsy, France; Buttsy McFartsmeller, New Jersey; and Leonard Cohen the Dog, Oregon.
This Jack Russell/smooth fox terrier mix inspired the famous image of a dog peering into a gramophone that, in the 1890s, became the brand logo for the record company that went on to become the RCA and HMV labels. Apparently the little bastard was named Nipper because he bit people on the ankles. Real cute, Nipper. Meanwhile, his sister, Napkin, was as sweet as pie, loved belly rubs, and never bit a soul. You don’t see her picture on any records—proof that, even from the very start, the music industry was corrupt and soulless.
Forget about the cute little cartoon. Balto was a real
dog, a badass Siberian husky who, in 1925, was part of a sled team that crossed 674 miles of unthinkably harsh Alaskan wilderness to deliver a vaccine to the town of Nome. What has your
dog done? Balto ran through blinding snow, saved hundreds of lives, and inspired the annual Iditarod dogsled race. Oh, what’s that, you say? Your cute little Professor Pennies licks his nethers, barks at the vacuum, and doesn’t know his own name? That’s precious.
A stray dog plucked from the streets of Moscow and launched into space on board Sputnik 2
, Laika was the cutest little astronaut in space history. Her story is a sad one, though—Laika’s voyage was intended by the Russians to prove that living creatures could survive a trip outside of Earth’s atmosphere. Her mission failed. The Russians told everyone she ran out of oxygen, but the truth is that she was cooked to a crisp when the spaceship overheated. On a related note, Donald Trump is in cahoots with Russia; therefore, one can only conclude Trump wants to send all of the world’s cute and loyal dogs up into outer space where they will either burn or suffocate. Donald Trump is a monster. Vote Hillary.
A friendly, loose-bowelled basset hound with a fondness for birthday cake, Scribbles singlehandedly set in motion the pooper-scooper laws enacted in New York City in the 1970s that prohibited dog owners from leaving their pets’ waste on city sidewalks. On one particular Saturday afternoon in 1974, Scribbles wrought havoc on a child’s birthday party in Central Park, then proceeded to contaminate all of Fifth Avenue from the Metropolitan Museum of Art down to Washington Square Park, a four-mile trail of frosting-laden unpleasantness that raised public outcry and prompted Mayor Ed Koch to overhaul and enforce the city’s curb-your-dog rules. A statue of Scribbles has been erected at the entrance of the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, although visitors are discouraged from touching it.
The gregarious, shaggy white pooch belonging to Jughead is regarded by most canine experts to be the smartest dog that ever lived! Exhibiting an unprecedented articulation of human speech and contemporary vernacular within his thought bubbles, Hot Dog appears to have the full intelligence of an adult human. He can frequently be seen conducting the band in the old Archie
TV show, an indication of an advanced command of musical rhythm and pitch that is otherwise unheard of in his species.