WHILE OUR CITY'S population boasts more beasts, boggarts, and behemoths than ever before, Portland has a rich history of notable monsters. Some were town founders, some were titans of industry, and some were civic leaders. Others were just hairy, drooling creatures who fucked shit up. Let's take a look at some of Portland's most monstrous residents!
Francis W. Pettygrove
In 1845, Portland was co-founded by Asa Lovejoy, a Bostonian, and Francis Pettygrove, who came from Portland, Maine. They couldn't agree on a name for the new settlement, so they flipped a coin to decide who got to name the place after his hometown. As the coin arced through the air, Pettygrove grabbed Lovejoy with his betentacled pincers and devoured him, toe to head. This heroic deed is the reason our city is named "Portland" and not "West Beantown."
Googly eyed mad scientist James C. Hawthorne was a "physician" who founded the Oregon Hospital for the Insane. While historical record suggests Hawthorne was a kind and sympathetic caregiver, in truth he transformed his patients into maniacal creatures by way of copious drug administration, arming them with dreadlocks, pit bulls, patchouli, and acoustic guitars, then setting them loose upon the public. Descendants of the mad doctor's brood can still be found on the sidewalks of Hawthorne's namesake boulevard.
German immigrant Frederick Grubmeyer shortened his name for his pioneering chain of Northwest superstores, founded in 1922 and to this day providing brain-addled consumers with groceries, housewares, electronics, clothing, jewelry, and more. Meyer was more a gatekeeper than an actual monster, but his pioneering work in the retail industry directly blazed the trail for corporate monstrosities such as Walmart and Target. Monster!
The friendliest and most benevolent of Portland's monsters, Beauregarde was a pro wrestler who also recorded an album with the Wipers' Greg Sage. The kind, gentle, and incredibly strong Beauregarde can be seen in a video clip for his 1971 song "Testify," riding around Portland on an amazing three-wheel motorbike, doing pop-a-wheelies and spreading good cheer to all.
This former mayor and state governor fucked a kid. More than once.
Lord of the Undying, Matt "Ac'rac'ga-atoolech" Groening made a pact with the devil and created one of the best television shows of all time, The Simpsons. Then he let it keep going... and going... and going, never permitting the show to come to a natural and peaceful end. Instead, he turned it into a desiccated, maggoty corpse of inside jokes and unfunny references to older, better episodes. Monster!
Current throne-keeper of the Northwest chapter of the Camarilla vampiric sect, Lauderdale leads a small but powerful army of mind-controlled musicians/sex-slaves, instructing them to perform plummy, strummy songs that evoke the good cheer of yesteryear. While he generally stays in good humor, an enraged Lauderdale has been known to occasionally turn Pink Martini concerts into hellwhorls of interdimensional terror, burning the vast crowds in sulfuric pyres of their own carcasses.
More Welcome to Portland, Monster! articles: