Aliens Are Troublemakers! 

Also, I Want to Have The Rock's Children

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If you've ever contemplated Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's parenting skills, insofar as they relate to the remote but not inconceivable possibility of your eggs ever coming into contact with his sperm, let me put your mind at ease: The Rock would make a great baby daddy. The Rock is brave and loyal, and he will protect your love-children, even if they turn out to be telekinetic Aryan mind-readers who can nonverbally communicate with dogs. Which brings us to Race to Witch Mountain.

There's no point in comparing Disney's new remake to the original 1975 film, except in that the crappiness of the new film's special effects unintentionally evokes an earlier era of Walt Disney productions— the effects are "special" only in the sense that the homemade runes you made during your eighth grade Wiccan phase were "special" (i.e., they're completely fucking retarded).

But what the film lacks in production values it makes up for in affable goofiness. In brief, The Rock plays a Vegas cab driver who helps two alien kids recover their spaceship. Bad guys get in the way. The Rock falls in love with Carla Gugino, who is almost as attractive as he is. Half of the movie is set at a science fiction convention, which makes for some genuinely funny moments. Nerd jokes abound, but it's all in good fun—and that's a pretty perfect way to sum up the movie as a whole.

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