Best of Estacada 

BEST REPRESENTATION OF TEDDY ROOSEVELT HOLDING A CHAINSAW
Wooden Teddy Roosevelt Statue

"Welcome to Estacada! May I cut down your tree?" That's what this jolly representation of Teddy Roosevelt holding a chainsaw seems to be asking visitors when they enter the downtown area. Though unsure who originally sculpted this remarkable representation of our 26th president, many locals insisted that this statue was not Teddy Roosevelt at all—that it was "just some logger guy." Tsk, tsk, you humble Estacadians! We know Teddy Roosevelt when we see him, and we commend you on your attempt to honor this mighty head of state without appearing too highfalutin'. WSH

Wooden Teddy Roosevelt, Main and Highway 224

BEST TIGER MURDERER
Glen Park, Big Game Hunter

Though big game hunter Glen Park may not be around these parts any longer, the victims of his bullets live on in the windows and displays of Hong's Lounge (Formerly the Jen Jen Safari Club—and the sign's still there. As you will soon see, Estacadians are far too busy to be concerned with taking down and replacing signs.). Constructed in 1970, this wondrously surreal bar and lounge is home to a number of very detailed and grisly dioramas featuring all manner of stuffed beasts who succumbed to the well-aimed hunting rifle of Glen Park— who has been called "the most active and outstanding hunter in the United States today." Behind the numerous glass displays that line both the street and the dancefloor, there are birds, deer, cougars, bears, and antelopes, each posed in questionably realistic situations. But the real attraction is the remarkably large, scary (and dead) tigers—their mouths dripping with dead animals also shot by Glen Park. After the bar and restaurant went under in 2003, most Portlanders feared they would have to stop making the holy pilgrimage to witness these truly incredible displays from a lost era. Thanks then goes to the owners of Hong's Chinese Restaurant and Lounge who not only serve a great plate of chop suey, but have preserved these magnificent bullet-riddled beasts to freak out a whole new generation of travelers. WSH

Hong's Lounge, 116 SE 4th

BEST PLACE TO DRINK (GOOD) BEER
Fearless Brewing Company

Fearless Brewing Company is right off of Estacada's main stretch, so it's pretty impossible to miss—not that you'd want to. With house beers at $3.25 a pint and everything from Scottish Ale to Summer Hefeweizens to Ken's Wicked Brown, brewmaster Ken Johnson has found a big, friendly space, brewed some good beer, and offers free pool, open mic nights on Wednesdays, a projector screen TV for sporting events, a 4-6 pm daily happy hour, and $1 pints on Mondays. In order to truly appreciate Estacada, you need to be a little bit drunk (hell, just ask anybody on the street!), and Fearless is the best place to start. EH

Fearless Brewing, 326 S Broadway

MOST WANTED MAN INSIDE THE BEST PLACE TO DRINK (GOOD) BEER
"RedDiamond"

Fearless Brewing's big, friendly brewmaster is named Ken, and he's a really nice guy—or so I thought until we started talking beer, when he asked me if I knew a guy in Portland who posts on beer sites as "RedDiamond." A quick search on beer snob site www.beeradvocate.com showed why—"RedDiamond" fancies himself a beer critic, and he tried to take Fearless down a few notches with some unkind reviews! Long story short: There's a vicious fucking blood feud going on, RedDiamond's no longer welcome at Fearless, and I'm pretty sure Ken wants to kill him. EH

RedDiamond's physical whereabouts are unknown—but if you know them, I bet Ken would be more than happy to give you a free pint to help loosen your tongue.

BEST PLACE TO GET LOADED AT 2 PM
The Trails

Oh sure, there's the fancy Safari Club/Hong's Lounge right across the street, with its fancy taxidermy and ample space for carousing. But with all the tourist traffic in downtown Estacada, the real people's watering hole is on the other corner—at The Trails (or our hands-down favorite bar in Estacada, especially in the afternoon). Filled 75 percent to capacity by 2 pm, the wary-looking locals quickly warmed up and regaled us with tales of Estacada: Like ye olde logging heydays, when the weekend streets were filled with fistfights; the wacky proprietors of competing local bars; and a renegade, loosely affiliated female biker gang known as the "Twisted Sisters." That's all we needed to hear; we knew that if we lived in The Trails we'd be home by now. MS

The Trails, 327 S Broadway

POST OFFICE... EVER!
Estacada Post Office

Sure, the dirty, loud post offices in Portland are the pits. But you'll think even less of them after you've seen Estacada's post office—which is new, shiny, and not crammed full of assholes. See! The glittering clean floors! Touch! The smooth and sturdy P.O. boxes! Smell! The delightful, crisp aroma of fresh paper and well-applied stamps! Hear! The efficient rustles of correspondence being quickly and correctly sorted! I would live here if they'd let me. EH

Estacada Post Office, 205 SW 2nd

BEST CD/DVD GIFT SET FOR THE BURGEONING RIGHT-WING MILITANT
Dave Staigle's Liberty

Boo! Down with "government"! Boo! Down with "laws"! Boo! Down with "trees"! If you have a young son or daughter who loves our nation but fears our government—and likes to cut down old-growth forests—then they need Liberty, the new hit album from Dave Staigle of Joseph, Oregon, along with his accompanying DVD, a music video for "The Endangered Ones" (psst—"the endangered ones" are us!). Staigle apes a sound most often associated with politically progressive folkies—singing in a sweet falsetto, with Buffett-like strums. But instead of songs about social inequality and global warming, Staigle's concerns are a little less traditional: Like how the guv'ment is going to take the land away, how the "antis" (Staigle code for "environmentalists") are "just self-serving," and how "'endangered species'" (note the sarcastic quotation marks) are a "tyranny." When the revolution starts out of the Wallowa Valley, you know whose CD is gonna be the soundtrack. ZP/EH

Available at Dean Holden Enterprises, 342 S Broadway

BEST LOCAL PIRATE
Mark Heimann

Though he has yet to capture and loot any of the yuppie rafters traveling down the nearby Clackamas River, don't be fooled— Mark Heimann is Estacada's most serious pirate. A few years back, in spite of his distance from the Pacific, Heimann founded the Brotherhood of Oceanic Mercenaries. Since then, he claims, "the pirate movement in Estacada is evolving quickly." However, for the Portland pirates looking to cash in on the easy pickins' of Estacada, the dreaded pirate Heimann issues the following warning: "Mine," he aaarrghhhs. "This harbor is mine!" PB

Best OUTDOOR SEATING
Boots & Spurs Restaurant

The Boots and Spurs is a great restaurant to begin with. They make great biscuits and gravy, great German sausage, a great piled-high chef salad, and not-so-great greasy potatoes. And to top it off, they have the best outdoor seating in town. After a big day at the river, roll up with a gaggle of friends and commandeer the large wooden picnic table out front. Notice the foamy pads on the benches are a little worse for wear, and bugs and dirt may stick to your moist river legs, but any complaints are overshadowed by this shady outdoor table, which has a breathtaking view of the Red Fox Motel and Highway 224. KS

Boots & Spurs, 519 SW Beech

BEST PLACE TO RENT HUNTING VIDEOS
Videos On Broadway

You know what my life's lacking? Killing stuff. Yeah! I don't kill nearly enough living things. If only I could strike out into Oregon's dark forests, hefting a rifle or a bow in my hands and harboring a bloodlust in my heart... yeah, if I killed things, I'd be way cooler, don't you think? Way more badass. So it's a good thing that Estacada's Videos On Broadway stocks a full selection of hunting videos—with such telling titles as Eye of the Hunter, The Bowhunter's Bible, Bull Busters, and—my favorite—Hunting the Wild Turkey. Yeah, I bet wild turkeys are easy to kill. And fun! I think I'll rent that one. Watch the fuck out, wild turkeys. EH

Videos On Broadway, 155 NW 3rd, Suite 101

Best IRATE LAUNDROMAT
Coin-Op Laundry & Dry Cleaning

Estacada has an illustrious tradition of really fucking weird signs, such as the handwritten gems featured in the local laundromat, which say, "This is a laundromat, not a bank. If you are making change for things other than laundry... STOP!!! The quarters in this laundromat are for our customers ONLY!!!" And: "No more washing and drying of horse blankets!" Cow blankets, burlap sacks, and bullfighting capes are, however, perfectly acceptable, or at least there were no excessively crabby signs pointing to the contrary. JWS

Coin-Op Laundry is full of ire and bile, which could explain why neither their address nor phone number is listed in any Estacadan phone book. But if you just really need some angst with your clothes cleaning, try this: Walk up the hill from the downtown area and take a left on 6th—it'll lead you right to it.

BEST PLACE TO RENT BETA
Prokops Television

I was intrigued by the worn wooden sign attached to the side of the building promising—along with television repair—a casual side business renting both VHS and Beta videotapes. Knowing that Estacada has more video stores per capita than Portland has strip clubs, I couldn't help but assume that if there were anyplace in the U.S. where a video store specializing in Beta could thrive, Estacada might just be it. Upon entering, I was immediately met with the glare of an old man who greeted me with a clearly suspicious "Can I help you?" I awkwardly replied, "Um... no... I'm, um... just looking?" With no videos in plain view, I eventually asked the old man if Prokops rented Beta, to which he replied, "No, haven't in years. Just haven't gotten around to taking the sign down." Just like at the Safari Club! See, that's what we're saying! Estacada is one busy town! ZP

Prokops Television, corner of SE 4th and Main

BEST ANXIETY-PRODUCING SIGNS
Mike's Second Hand Store

I carry around a bucket load of anxiety as it is. Loud noises startle me, scary people frighten me, and every time I buy beer or tampons I shake like a leaf. So Mike's Second Hand Store was something of an anxiety-causing amusement park. Signs warned, "$25,000 fine if caught unnecessarily messing up the merchandise," or "Don't switch price-tags 'cause we'll just catch you, and you'll just have to go to jail. Okie Dokie?" But the signs in the bathroom took the cake. Relieved that I'd finally found a spot comfortable enough to release my bear from its cave, that's when I saw the signs. "Don't make a mess. Don't use too much toilet paper. The toilet is low flow. If you don't think you can use it properly don't use it all." Oh shit. Too late. Crap. Holy fuck. What do I do? Don't panic. If there's a logjam, I'll knock over a display and bolt out of the store. Luckily, the toilet flushed fine—but what about the next time I'm trying to take a pooh in Mike's Store? What then? WHAT THEN??? KS

Mike's Second Hand Store, 210 SE Hwy 224

BEST FRISBEE GOLF COURSE
Milo McIver State Park

Hugging the Clackamas, McIver is beautiful, little-known park ideal for kayaking and canoeing, with primitive campsites dotting the shoreline. A disc golf course—which is apparently internationally known as "THE GREATEST FRISBEE GOLF COURSE IN THE WORLD"—and a fish cannery round out the uncommon amenities. WG

Springwater Road, 4 miles west of Estacada (follow signs)

BEST EXAMPLE OF REMEMBERING TO TAKE YOUR MEDS
Empty Lexapro Container

Thanks and a tip o' the hat to "John" of Estacada, our choice for the person who best reminds us that we should keep taking our psychotropic medications. According to the container, "John" takes a daily dose of 20mgs of Lexapro*—often prescribed to those suffering from depression of General Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Though one could certainly assume this empty container was merely tossed away—we know better. This is "John's" bold statement to all of Estacada's residents that he is doing his part to make his town a nicer place—by practicing good mental health. Won't you join him? WSH

Empty medication container, found on 4th Avenue

*Consult your physician before taking Lexapro. Lexapro is contraindicated in patients taking monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), pimozide, or in patients with hypersensitivity to escitalopram oxalate. As with other SSRIs, caution is indicated in the coadministration of tricylcic antidepressants (TCAs) with Lexapro. As with other psychotropic drugs that interfere with serotonin reuptake, patients should be cautioned regarding the risk of bleeding associated with the concomitant use of Lexapro with NSAIDs, aspirin, or other drugs that affect coagulation. The most common adverse events with Lexapro versus placebo (approximately 5 percent or greater and approximately 2x placebo) were nausea, insomnia, ejaculation disorder, somnolence, increased sweating, fatigue, decreased libido, and anorgasmia.

BEST LOCAL RECREATIONAL DRUG
Whipits

It's cheap, pretty much legal, and available in all major grocery stores: whipits! And since there's no real head shop or porn store to speak of 'round the Estacadan parts, the natives do it up old school, as witnessed by the abandoned can of Affair brand whipped cream pictured here, as found on the sidewalk outside the Safari Club. (You totally thought we were going to say meth, didn't you?) MS

Affair Whipped Cream, found on 4th Avenue, coincidentally near the empty Lexapro container (see above).

BEST SOVIET-STYLE MONOPOLY
Thriftway

Looking for fair prices on groceries in Estacada? Then you're crap out of luck, because the Estacada Thriftway is the ONLY full-service grocery store in town—and they know it! With any other sources for ground beef and frozen tater tots a 20 minute drive away (in the metropolis of Sandy), Thriftway enjoys a Soviet-style lock on the market. "They jack up the prices on watermelon and everything," one resident told us. She requested to remain anonymous, for fear of reprisals on the prices of grapes and her other favorite foods. PB

Thriftway, 280 S Broadway

BEST PLACE TO LOOK FOR AN ABDUCTED FRIEND
McCrae's Motel

Sometimes I imagine that a friend of mine has been abducted. And when I saw the profoundly scary McCrae's Motel, I imagined my imaginary friend being held captive there. I imagined trying to rescue her, but unless I bring along an imaginary SWAT team, I'm in trouble—there's a big, barking dog outside tethered to a rope, who's probably been trained to leap right at my genitals. In my mind, the abductors living in this profoundly horrifying structure are scary as fuck, with patchy face hair, dirty clothes and fingernails, dried blood on their shirts, and just a hair shy of insane from cooking pot-loads of imaginary meth. Or that's what I imagine. So if my friend is at McCrae's, she's having the best worst time ever. KS

McCrae's Motel, 351 SE Main

BEST NEWSPAPER EDITOR
Clinton Vining, editor of the Estacada News

Portland newspaper people are the biggest crybabies in the world. "Wah! Wah! I can't believe I have to write a story by tomorrow morning. Wah! Wah! These deadlines are breaking my back!" Well, a few of these so-called newshounds should take a peek at the workload of Clinton Vining, who along with a single staff reporter, writes and edits the ENTIRE Estacada News! Whether it's breaking front-page stories about fires or ATV wrecks, or penning editorials slamming murderers who dump bodies in Estacada, Clinton Vining has his hands full. A recent graduate from University of Portland, Vining left the big city hustle bustle to return to small-town life. Now Vining pens about a DOZEN stories a week. So put THAT in your big city newspaper pipes—and smoke it! PB

Estacada News, 50 cents, available all over Estacada

BEST CRIME FIGHTING MYTHICAL BEAST
Bigfoot

Perched comfortably outside Mike's Second Hand Store, a lifelike wooden representation of the mythical Bigfoot scares patrons straight with his threateningly scrawled sign, "Shoplifters Will Be Eaten." Funny thing though, I don't know how Bigfoot plans to eat me, even if I do steal something, considering BIGFOOT IS NOT REAL! Mythical Bigfoot, you are so BUSTED! KS

Mike's Second Hand Store, 210 SE Hwy 224

BEST GIANT ARM BOIL
Lady with a Giant Arm Boil

There was this one lady at this bar, and she had the biggest arm boil I've ever seen. It really made me think. See, no matter how diligently I may neglect personal hygiene, I have no chance in hell of ever growing an arm boil that big. It was really goddamn impressive. Also, the nice lady with the incredible arm boil offered to sell me a porcelain doll—but as it turned out, I wasn't in the market for one, so I refused. But if that arm boil was for sale? Now that would've been a different story. KS

Arm boil, around town

BEST PLACE TO HANG OUT IF YOU'RE A 12-YEAR-OLD NERD
Attack Cat Comics & Cards

Hey—you look like you enjoy some Yu-Gi-Oh, right? No? Ah, you're a Magic: The Gathering sort of fellow! No? Oh! Then you must be a Dungeons & Dragons sort of... wha? No? You just like to sit around after school and talk about the latest exploits of Teal'c on Stargate SG-1? And maybe buy some comics? Or that Mace Windu tin, or that Lara Croft action figure you've been having those awkward dreams about? Well, welcome to Attack Cat, my socially ill-at-ease friend! It's the place for rural nerdlings to hone their Yu-Gi-Oh, Magic, and D&D skills—with games every weekend (D&D's on Friday nights, natch), and Teal'c-centric conversations all the time! EH

Attack Cat Comics & Cards, 335 S Broadway

BEST KARAOKE- - TIE
The Cazadero Inn AND Timber Room

With each proffering a denim-clad KJ and comparable songbooks, this race was too close to call. Each has its perks, though. The Cazadero is set up for your bolder performers, enjoying a spacious singing floor smack in the middle of the place. P.J., the resident KJ, flips discs on Fridays and Saturdays. The Timber Room's karaoke floor plan is novel. It's split into two rooms (each wide as an El Camino). The singing goes on in the café half; the listening takes place in the separate tavern. Now your friend doesn't have to know you aren't paying attention during his song! Affable KJ Brenda spins here Thursday through Saturday. WG

The Cazadero Inn, 352 SE Hwy 211; Timber Room, 139 SW 4th

BEST TINY DANCEFLOOR
Country Restaurant & Lounge

It's no small fact that I hate dancing. Despise it. I'd puke on dancing if I could. I hate swinging my arms around. I hate jumping around looking stupid and I totally hate feeling the rhythm. Oddly, my favorite movie is Dirty Dancing, but that's an aside. Anyway, my pure, seething hatred of dancing makes me love the Country Lounge. With the teeniest little dance floor (maybe four feet by four feet) in the coolest country bar ever, I never ever have to accept an invitation to bust it to Kenny Chesney or Shania. When a country gent asks me to shake my booty I simply shrug and say, "Doesn't look like there's enough room," then, "but I'd love another Michelob Ultra." Country Lounge, you're the best! KS

Country Restaurant & Lounge, 341 NE Main

BEST WHITE WATER RAPID (TO DIE IN)
Hole-in-the-Wall

Squeezed by cliff walls, the Clackamas River picks up speed and barrels dangerously through a section lovingly called "The Narrows." From here, the river banks around the corner and speeds toward the deadly and fun Hole-in-the-Wall rapid—so-called because years of pounding water have carved a deep notch into the rock's face. This bend in the river has claimed so many boaters that a metal ladder has been fastened near the rapid to perform rescue missions—and to pull out the bodies! PB

Check out Soggy Sneakers, a comprehensive guide of Oregon rivers. For rafting trips, try www.blueskyrafting.com or Estacada-based Destination Wilderness, 398 S Broadway and on-line at www.wildernesstrips.com.

BEST ABANDONED CAR
White Hyundai Elantra

When gazing upon the quality of this abandoned car, one should not assume there are glorious luxury vehicles strewn here and there around Estacada; the rejects of perhaps some eccentric local billionaire. In fact, this was the only abandoned car we could find in town—but OH! Is it a doozy! According to the big orange sticker placed on the vehicle by "Deputy Cheek" of the Clackamas County Sheriff's department, this beautiful white Hyundai Elantra was mysteriously abandoned by its owner on July 13 at 9:52 am. And though this car could've been jimmied open and driven off by anyone, the generous citizens of Estacada have chosen to leave this pristine vehicle where it sits—waiting for someone who is more needy. WSH

White Hyundai Elantra, Broadway and SE 3rd

BEST CATCALL
Teenagers in Honda Civic

If there's anything that can lift a gal's spirits, it's a good catcall. Whenever I'm feeling ugly, fat, or just marginally depressed, hearing a "Heeeey baby!" or "Nice jugs!" yelled from a landscaping truck or construction site really puts me on the road to recovery. So thanks teens, for giving Marjorie Skinner and myself an enthusiastic "You're hot!" And just so you know, I'm not above statutory rape. You think I'm hot? Statutory rape is hot! KS

Teenagers in Honda Civic, in front of the Safari Club

BEST PLACE TO EVEN OUT YOUR REDNECK TAN
Metzler Park

Less traveled than McIver and Barton Parks, Metzler Park nuzzles up to Clear Creek. It is spotted with softball, basketball, and volleyball courts, as well as 70 wooded campsites. PLUS, horseshoe pits! A wonderland of horseshoe pits. PB

From Hwy 224, turn onto Hwy 211 and go four miles past the bridge, turn right onto Tucker Road, park entrance 1.6 miles down the road, $3 entry fee, $16 camping fee.

BEST SPONSORED TREE STUMP
Tree Stump on 4th Ave

While a number of Estacada businesses generously sponsor the thriving trees that line the city's streets, only "Estacada Extreme Sports and Hobby" sponsors a tree that's been cut into a stump. Why? Because it's EXTREME! WSH

Broadway and 4th Avenue

BEST PLACE TO DUMP A DEAD BODY
Hillockburn Road

The Oregonian described the site as if it were a wonderful place to picnic: "A spot about 75 feet off of Hillockburn Road—an isolated, winding road just off Oregon State Highway 211—lined with towering evergreens, dense knots of salal and wild foxgloves." Doesn't it sound like just the most lovely place... to dump your dead four-year-old step-grandson? In June, a 43-year-old grandmother from Milwaukee confessed to police about this site near Estacada where she had dumped the body of her four-year-old grandson three days earlier. This is just the most recent case of bodies being carelessly dumped in Estacada (including the dead carcass of a prominent Portland injury lawyer). That's why the Portland Mercury happily joins the people of Estacada who say, "Give a hoot... don't pollute (our town with your dead bodies)." PB

A spot about 75 feet off of Hillockburn Road

BEST PLACE TO JUMP ON A FAD DIET THAT HAS SEEN BETTER DAYS
Estacada Dollar Store

A dollar store of the highest order, the Estacada Dollar Store is your one-stop shop for everything from patriotic key chains, smoke bombs, and tiny shoes made out of rawhide. For those in the know, however, the hidden treasure trove of the Estacada Dollar Store resides in the small, mysterious "food room" in the establishment's farthest corner. For it's here in the food room that you'll find shelves stocked to the gills with virtually every Atkins product ever conceived—and with the Atkins Corporation going bankrupt, the timing couldn't be better to shed a few of those carbo pounds, without losing any lbs in the wallet. They're practically giving this stuff away! ZP

Estacada Dollar Store, 373 S Broadway

BEST MOST WANTED "ECO-TERRORIST"
Tre Arrow

While Tre Arrow remains in Canada, fighting his extradition back to the States, this forest activist is close in the minds of locals. Arrow is wanted for allegedly setting fire to trucks in the nearby Eagle Creek logging site—not the smartest way to endear oneself to local loggers. Sitting on a bar stool mid-afternoon, one out-of-work local turned visibly red in the face when Arrow's name was mentioned. "The mayor should have blasted him off that ledge with a fire hose," he told us, referring to Arrow's 11-day protest back in 2000 when the hippie perched on the Forest Service building in downtown Portland. After taking a serious swig from his beer, the man added, "God, I laughed so hard when he fell from that 60-foot tree," referring to an incident when Arrow plummeted from a tree sit in the Tillamook Forest. Best stay away from Estacada, Tre. PB

Tre Arrow, currently sitting in a Canadian prison

BEST FESTIVAL THAT NO ONE REMEMBERS
Vortex

Back in 1970, then-Governor Tom McCall figured out a way to deal with the local swarms of stinky hippies (without ordering the National Guard to shoot them). He distracted the longhairs with a week-long festival called Vortex. At the time, it was rumored that President Richard Nixon was coming to Portland—and in preparation, thousands of activists along the West Coast were preparing a burn-everything-to-the-ground reception. Hoping to avoid riots, Governor McCall worked with the People's Army Jamboree to throw a week-long music and hippie festival in McIver State Park—just minutes from Estacada. The plan was to distract and lure away the hippies (with drugs and music)—and it worked! Governor McCall even told the cops to leave the hippies alone, which ended up turning the festival into an event so wild, it made Woodstock look like a Tupperware party. When I asked a 50-something Estacada resident and Vortex alumni about the festival, a faint smile warmed her face. "I can't really remember what happened," she admitted. "I know that it was fun, though." Learn about this festival and more in Matt Love's well-researched glimpse into Oregon history, The Far Out Story of Vortex I. PB

BEST PORK TACO
Rico's Food Cart

I'm one of those half-ass "vegetarians" who becomes carnivorous whenever it becomes even slightly inconvenient to avoid flesh. Let's just say I find Rico's taco stand to be the most "inconvenient" eatery in Estacada. Busting with delicious burritos, heart-stopping tortas, and delicious homemade salsa, Rico's tops out with its pork tacos, which bulge at the seams with tender pig meat and crisp, fresh cabbage. I had one of these tacos and a beef torta and was so full I thought my lungs were going to be crushed—the ensuing gas and intestinal pain was a price I'd surely pay again. JWS

Rico's is in the downtown area, across from Estacada News and Subway.

BEST MOUNTAIN BIKE TRAIL THAT WAS
Clackamas River Trail, Mt. Hood National Forest

Twenty-two miles south of town on Highway 224 lies one of the more picturesque bike trails around. As recent as two summers ago, I tooled my Raleigh up and down its hills, teetered on a cliff's edge overlooking the mighty Clackamas, and busted my knee. Now, as the trail is only open to hikers, you must bring a sledgehammer or Epilady if you want to gut your gams. All the same, it's a lovely hike and there are no less than seven campgrounds between the trailhead and Estacada. WG

Turn right onto F.S. Road 4620, following signs to the Indian Henry Campground. The trailhead is across from the campground. A $3 permit or Northwest Forest Pass (both available at the Estacada Ranger Station) is required to park.

BEST DANCE FLOOR THREE-WAY—TIE
The Cazadero Inn AND Timber Room

It's impossible for either of these places to top the other. Thankfully, the fierce competition doesn't stop the patrons from trying in earnest to top their loved ones—on the dancefloor. When judging a dancefloor three-way, certain factors must be considered. Though male-female-male would have been hotter, both were F-M-F, scoring even in that column. Often more important is the song: Elvis's "Little Sister" (at the Cazadero) vs. Heart's "Magic Man" (Timber Room). While Heart may tip the scoring in the Timber Room's favor, the fact that one of the women was wearing a tie-dyed shirt and denim shorts subtracts whatever lead they scored. WG

The Cazadero Inn, 352 SE HWY 211; Timber Room, 139 SW 4th

BEST STUFFED ANIMAL THAT LOOKS LIKE JAR JAR BINKS
Gazelle or Antelope or Something

C'mon. I'm sorry it's dead and all, but it really does look like Jar Jar Binks. WSH

Hong's Lounge, 116 SE 4th

BEST GUY I SHOULD HAVE TALKED TO, BUT I WAS TOO SCARED
I spotted this terrifying figure outside of Estacada's most terrifying spot: the middle school. I was heading away from the school when he appeared, rising up over the hill like a slow-moving demon. Toward me he crept, black hat and coat a dark hole in the otherwise sunny day. His face was blank and pale, his facial hair scraggly... and at his side he carried a great, black sword that could have removed my head with a single lop. As I passed him on the suddenly silent sidewalk, I considered halting him for an impromptu chat. But his dark eyes halted me, digging into my chest and reaching down into my heart, shattering my will to pieces. I then ran down the hill in a hysterical fury. There I encountered my editor, who threatened to fire me if ever I let such a figure go by without an interview again. But he didn't see The Man With the Sword's eyes... he didn't see his eyes... JWS

FASTEST CLOSING DOOR Boots & Spurs Restaurant

Keeping with Estacada's bizarre Tesla-inspired credo of, "signs, signs, everywhere there's signs," the Boots and Spurs Restaurant felt it was their duty to warn me that the women's restroom door closes really fast, and I should take caution. Thanks Boots and Spurs, had I not read that clearly posted and informative sign, this door literally would've hit me in the ass on my way out. And that's humiliating. KS

Boots & Spurs, 519 SW Beech

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