THE WEDDING RINGER Not pictured: Jason Segel, Paul Rudd.

DO YOU GUYS remember I Love You, Man, with Paul Rudd and Rashida Jones and Jason Segel? It was good, right? Now, remove all of those lovable actors, and replace them with Kevin Hart, the fat guy from Lost, and the hot girl from The Big Bang Theory. Next, take out all of the touching moments about love and friendship, and replace them with a dog biting your dick and an elderly woman on fire. Congratulations, you've just made The Wedding Ringer.

Just like I Love You, Man, The Wedding Ringer is about a hapless dude, Doug (Josh Gad), who's engaged to be married—only to realize that he doesn't have guy friends to fill out the wedding party. In lieu of honesty, or literally other any reasonable course of action, Doug turns to professional best man Jimmy (Hart) who promises to deliver a believable group of friends for the wedding. Over the course of several days of lying, getting hammered, and objectifying women, Doug and Jimmy learn about one another, about themselves, and about how women are the worst.

I kept track throughout the film of what group could be most offended. The gays beat out the fats, with Latinos, Asians, the disabled, and stutterers not trailing too far behind, but women were definitely the greatest targets of scorn. The three (THREE) female characters in this film were so god-awful that even I hate women now, and I am a woman. All I want to do is hang out with guys and slap asses while being hot and wearing a bikini and not talking. So fellas, take your gals! They'll have the best time and will not sit with their arms crossed the whole time, I promise.

If you're feeling suicidal, which you probably are if you've decided to see The Wedding Ringer, take a shot whenever somebody says "pussy." You'll make it about eight minutes.