How to Kill a Zombie 

The stupid government is always offering worthless classes--food handling, CPR, driving--but in their attempts to curb supposed dangers like "salmonella," "choking," or "vehicular manslaughter," they've ignored the far more likely, far more dangerous threat of ZOMBIE INFESTATION. Thankfully, the zombie-killing experts at the Mercury are around to save your ass. Cut out this guide, post it in a conspicuous location in your home, and you'll be (somewhat) prepared when you wake up one morning to find your neighborhood overrun with brain-hungry swarms of the rotting undead. Best of luck!

DECAPITATION.

To kill zombies, you need to destroy their brains. The most surefire route is simply lopping off the cranium with a chainsaw, machete, or samurai sword. Mind the follow-through, however-- anything less than 100 percent severance just isn't good enough.

BLUDGEONING.

Any blunt object--from a baseball bat to a brick--wielded with suitable force at the cranium will destroy the brain. But be quick on your feet and keep your eye on the target, slugger--when you're this close to a zombie, miss even once and you might as well just hand your brains to the zombie on a silver platter.

BURNING.

Don't have the convenience of a sniper rifle to take out zombies from afar? The next best thing is a Molotov cocktail--just make sure the zombies are far enough away so they'll be reduced to ashes before they can shamble after you.

EXPLODING.

A solid technique, but one that requires heavy weaponry. In the chaos that will doubtlessly strike an urban center after a zombie infestation, make your way to a military storehouse or a morally dubious pawn shop and acquire a rocket launcher. Then shoot, load, and repeat.

Comments (28)

Showing 1-28 of 28

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-28 of 28

Comments are closed.

From the Archives

Most Commented On

Top Viewed Stories

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy