Illustration by Kalah Allen

When I saw your online dating profile, I sorta guessed (hoped) you were kidding when you stated that you "like to burp loudly and often." We met at a North Portland bar, and right away, I thought you were way more attractive than your photos. The conversation flowed, then after a few drinks, all hell broke loose. As you were describing a recent trip, out comes the loudest belch I've ever heard from a woman. I saw some heads turn to look, and I was so taken aback that I couldn't respond. A few minutes later yet another, this time with your mouth wide open. I could tell you were pushing it all out by the way your abdomen sunk in. No acknowledgement from you. I eventually made up some excuse about having to work early, and as we made our way to your car, the last belch of the night left my ears ringing and my stomach turning as the light smell of garlic and beer permeated the air. I jokingly said that you were gross, and you just laughed. What on earth is wrong with you? When we kissed, I could taste the garlic and beer combo, which I found kind of hot for some reason.—Anonymous