I, Anonymous 

One Hell of a Cow

To the douchebag who stole my fuzzy little magnetic cow off the gas tank on my motorcycle last week: I hope karma skull-fucks you and your grandparents. I hope you wake up missing a leg, or with your car missing all its tires. Keep your drunk fucking mitts off other people's shit. Why you felt it was okay to take something off someone's motorcycle baffles me. I guess there were no old people to mug that night, or children to take candy from? I hope someone steals your shit, the important stuff that cannot be replaced. If you have any decency you will leave the cow at the Press Club! If it is not returned I would love to shit in your mouth, piss in your ass, and give you the wounded seagull*! Though I doubt I will ever get the chance, seeing as you're a coward—stealing shit off my motorcycle when no one is around! I hope you die a slow and painful death... that extends to your family and friends. If you have kids, I hope it is an extremely painful cancer for them. Know that you are a useless waste of human flesh. Fuck you!—Anonymous

*Wounded Seagull: Extreme sexual act in which a man fractures his partner's forearm and then forces them to give him a hand job, causing them to emit a noise like that of a "wounded seagull."—Ed.

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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