Illustration by Kalah Allen

It's Portland, Oregon, and the year is 2015. Most of you scuzzy fucks who STILL rock the absurd fashion abortion that is a chain wallet are the types with zero dinero to begin with (rockabillies, Hawthorne hippie-sters, meth-headed comb-boilers, weekend biker dudes). No one's gonna pickpocket you! Put it in your front pocket if you are so worried. If it's for looks and style, invent a time machine and go back to 1991. While you are there, try to find me. I am the guy who has a bandana on his head. Tell me how dumb it looks so maybe I can get laid more often.—Anonymous