Kalah Allen

Take Downtown. Have all of Belmont, Hawthorne, Stark, and Division but leave my beloved FOPO alone. For years it has been my safe haven from yuppie hipster dicks with their purebred dogs and fucking babies. There used to be exciting hoards of junkies and homeless people walking down the middle of my street at all hours of the day, providing endless amounts of entertainment as I sat smoking on my porch. What started as a slow trickle turned into a tsunami of Lululemon, $1,000 strollers, and new station wagons. They saunter by my house judging me for sitting out in my pajamas and tsk-tsking my unruly lawn. A stampede of people in boat shoes glued to their smartphones as they trek to the Portland Mercado. Where are the hobos, vagrants, and drunks? Come back to me! I'm bored!—Anonymous