Illustration by Kalah Allen

To the shrieking British twat who berated my friends and me at the Timbers Open Cup match, I have one question: Do your privileges as head cheerleader ensure that you get to blow every player after the game? I realize that, in the heat of the moment, we said a chant that's outdated. But, I do other things with my life besides blast myself with the latest chants on Twitter. I could understand it if my behavior caused them to miss a goal or something, but for you to throw that level of conniption fit over a chant just proves that MOST of you fuckers at the Timbers games are more interested in singing and pogo-ing and throwing shit rather than the actual gameplay. I'd have asked you my initial question at the time, but I'm pretty sure you'd have punched me. And the last thing I need is to get punched by a silly, cheer-crazy cunt like you.—Anonymous