I, Anonymous 

Start Packing

It's another magnificent summer in the Pacific Northwest. We've endured another long, gray, wet winter, and it's time to embark on summer camping adventures at one of the countless sites available. The trees are lush and green, the streams, rivers, and lakes are cool and inviting, and birds and other wildlife are chirping with delight. But wait... something stinks in paradise... oh, it's you, you fucking selfish MORONS. You've left shitheaps of shit, fecal-splattered toilet paper, garbage, cans, bottles, broken glass, greasy McDonalds containers, burned-out cigarette butts, and every other gross piece of trash imaginable strewn about the campsite like it's your own personal landfill! My stomach churns when I arrive at an otherwise pristine campsite for a peaceful woodsy retreat and I'm greeted by the sight of a bunch of unwanted "presents" from all of you litterbug fucks who feel it's your god-given right to fuck things up by flagrantly disregarding the most basic of camping tenets: "Pack it in, pack it the FUCK OUT!!!" So please, I am FUCKING BEGGING YOU, next time you head out, pick up your own shit! If you can't do this one simple thing, may your tent smell like beer farts and maggots invade your dreams, shitheads!!!—Anonymous

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To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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