I Love Television 

The Gold "Meh"dal

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Before I start this column, let me just check something real quick.... G-dammit! The g-damn WINTER OLYMPICS are still on!! How much longer are they gonna torture me with this crap? LOOK. If someone wants to spend their lives sitting on a bobsled for the opportunity to ram their crotch into their partner's bottom—well, that's between them and their god. (Also, I'm offering to do it for free.) But this whole Winter Olympics thing—with the hours and hours of figure skating, and cross-country skiing, and maudlin, overlong biographies of athletes who were born without tailbones but after years of personal and spiritual struggle were able to overcome their disability and become the number one curling broom sweeper in the nation—IT'S JUST TOO FAWKING MUCH IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

Aaaaaaaand another thing! The rest of the TV world refuses to compete against the Winter Olympics, leaving any anti-Winter Olympics viewers with exactly ZILCHO to watch! GUYS! Schedule some other TV shows! The Winter Olympics aren't even real Olympics!

Unngh. This whole conversation is making me gassy.

Anyway, I'm officially DONE with any network or cable broadcasts until this Winter Olympics nonsense is over. And instead? I'm hopping on the Netflix bobsled—because this week marks the season two debut of one of the finest TV shows of all time, House of Cards (starting midnight, Fri Feb 14)!

Kevin Spacey plays the terrifically Machiavellian Congressman Frank Underwood, who during season one, finagled his way up Washington DC's political ladder, stomping on the backs of innocents and merrily destroying careers along the way. He's one of those antiheroes you just can't help but root for—even though inside you kind of feel terrible about it. ("No, I don't." "Yes, I do!!" "No, I don't.")

And in season two the political intrigue really starts to boil, as both Frank and his wife, Claire (the also-great Robin Wright), find themselves attracting the attention of all the wrong people—including snoopy reporters who skootch ever closer to the truth behind Frank's crimes, and rich bigwigs demanding payback for the many favors they granted the congressman during his vengeful rise to the top.

Unlike the hilariously entertaining Scandal, House of Cards is a soap opera whose dramatic political underpinnings seem all too... umm... "real." So screw speed skating—House of Cards moves faster than Apolo Ohno with two strips of oily bacon strapped to his feet.

Also on Netflix this month? Oh, just a little series called Breaking Bad (the final season)! It's debuting on February 24, so if you've been avoiding spoilers by sticking fingers in your ears and screaming, "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAY-ING LA LA," your wait is almost over.

However! If you'd rather watch movies than the Winter Olympics, February on Netflix also brings us another Kevin Spacey classic, The Usual Suspects, as well as the still-hilarious Airplane!, the maniacal '80s camp-fest Flashdance, AND the lesbo-rific Cannes Film Fest winner Blue Is the Warmest Color... which is the most perfectly gay thing you'll see this month—that doesn't include a bobsled.

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 12

8:00 NBC WINTER OLYMPICS

Figure skating! (UGH!) Alpine skiing! (UGH!) Speed skating! (UGH!)

10:00 COM WORKAHOLICS

The guys become obsessed with a local consumer reporter—who gives them less than stellar reviews.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 13

9:00 FOX RAKE

Keegan is asked to represent a cannibal, and... hey. Who's hungry?

10:00 ABC SCANDAL

In this crazy repeat, Cyrus pimps out his gay husband. Actually that's not so crazy for this show.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Midnight NETFLIX HOUSE OF CARDS

Season premiere! Frank's new position of power comes with a host of uncomfortable problems.

10:00 SYFY HELIX

Sutton's mercenaries flex their muscles, and Hatake (who's normally a jerk) steps in to stop them.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 15

8:00 NBC WINTER OLYMPICS

Alpine skiing! (UGH!) Speed skating! (UGH!) Ski jumping! (Okay, that's pretty cool.)

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 16

9:00 HBO TRUE DETECTIVE

Hart and Cohle have solved the case! (Or have they? Hmmmmm?)

10:00 HBO GIRLS

Hannah and the gang have a fun beach weekend getaway. Let the tense interpersonal drama begin!

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 17

8:00 CW STAR-CROSSED

Debut! Aliens invade Earth, and a human girl falls in love with one of them. Republicans aren't going to like this.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 18

8:00 NBC WINTER OLYMPICS

Alpine skiing! (UGH!) Freestyle skiing! (UGH!) Bobsled! (Let's get to butt-rammin'!)

10:30 COM KROLL SHOW

The douchebaggy Bobby Bottleservice finds a new reality show to join, Gigolo House.

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